IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!

This goes out to Everyone whose reading my blogs/this right now... Because of recent events I have decided to make an other blog.... This one is awsome and everything, but too many people know about this now... so, To anyone who reads this often, send me an e-mail at richard_mat@hotmail.com and i'll e-mail you the new site... Only a select few will get it, no affence, I just dont want certain ppl knowing certain things about me... Anyway, well, tilll I get your e-mails, this Matt T Richards last post in this blog... L8a days to all....

I hate moving!!!!

Uhh, so my room is empty again.... fuck, I just finished moving everything I own back to my rents place, well almost everything. Everything except my bed,5 posters, my coats and hoodies, and the rack they go on... So besides that my room is empty!!!,. all my shit is now at my rents place. kinda sucks.... but hey, fuck it... So yeah I have all my stuff moved, well mostly, and all my bills are taken care of... So Im ready to go... Im getting a ride in wiht Adam 2morrow for work, Then I think im going to go to the house for the night 2morrow night. Get up for work at 9 the next morning... then work all day and either go back to the house and stay the night there, or go back to my rents place for the night and start pakcing all of my shit... So yeah.. I dunno really what to say here... I havent done anything in the past like week, all I do is smoke my face off all day as I work, then come home... play some video games and smoke my face off again... then I do the same the next day... But anyway, this or maybe 1 or 2 others might be all the I write in here before I leave, so I guess L8a days... Ohh yeah, I recently found out tha tmy mom found out my blog adress.... so im going to make a new one.. To everyone... Ah well, im going to make another blog soon, actuelly right now.... L8a days...

Justchillin...

So Adam and i are just chillin in s oom, Caylens out for the night so we're just playing games nonstop. SO yeah wow, its been a while since i've written in this but yeah, lots has happened, and dont worry, i'll post it ll sometime. I wrote some stuff down in my book, well a couple entries anyway, they dotn compare to these, and they dont have much detail, but its something... But yeah, All I've been doing for the past like week is just getting really really stoned all the time, and its the only thing thats made mehappy, lol, I know thats extremly sad butwhen I dont smoke and im at work, I just bitch at everyone for some reason. Anyway, so yeah, thats almost all done and over with anyway... hahaha, I'm almost done and out of here. Oh wait!!, Jesus, I tottally forgot but Clint Came over 2day!!!! Clint!!!THe kitchen manager from the mikes in Bedford. Hes cool as fuck. and he smoked a j with me. it was funny, but fucking awsome.. SO yeah that was my highlyight of the day... ohh yeay, and I found out tha tI have 2morrow off, which rocks!!! I'll try to pak some of my stuff up and see if I can get some of it out... yeah, anyway, better get back to games... l8a days... prolly wont write in this much if at all before I leave, or when I get there for that matter, so l8a days....

Just got an I-Pod..

SO I asked Chalen to find me an I-Pod, So he got me one for 200$$. sweet deal, and my songs are gonna be finished in liek 5 more mins... all 753... I might have to add a few tho, so we'll see .... Anyway yeah, well tahts about it I guess. so till 2morrow... l8a days

One step closer....

Well on my awsome day off 2day I did a lot of things.... I got to hang out wiht my sister for a good while, then I had supper with my rents, talked to them for a good long while,,, And I finally got my plane ticket.... So, Theres no turning back now.... So, on my list of things to do before I leave I only have like 3 things...
1)get my damage deposite back
2)Fix the whole Maritime Electric bill thing....

..Huh, for some reason I cant think of anythign else... I was going to hook up direct deposite, but I guess my rents said they would go get my check and put it in my account for me so, thats one less thing for me to do... Ohh yeah, I was gonna buy an I-Pod, just cuz I've decided not to bring my computor, so,, I'll just put all my music on that and then i'll be fine... So that means that this blog is pretty much over, cuz I dont know how i'll get access to a comp so I wont have access to this site. Well, its been good, and I'll most likely re-read everything just to catch up on my summer and see what I've been up to, lol, like I can remember... So yeah, thats pretty much it. Well, Im gonna make a phone call or 2, see if I can pick up some stuff... anyway, Till later, l8a days..

just got back from a drive with my sister....

Ohh fuckI just spilled everything wtih her.... and I kinda think it was a bad Idea..... yeah she proved some very interesting points... but otheres... I proved her wrong soo badly that she had nothing to say.... Uhh but what does it matter? She still has no idea the things i've beeen through. She now knows what I want to do and why I want to do it... But she doesnt understnad it.... Nor will my parents why they find out.... I will tell them, but thye wont undestand... Just like they didnt undestand why I lisntened to the music I did, or got piercings, or tattoos, or anything that I did... They saw what I did, but they did not understand it.... And so,, they do not understand me.... Ahh well, we will see.. 2morrow night.....
Well, Dad just called... Gave me a good long talking to about life, and how my family is always there for me... Uhh im going to bed, I gotta sleep this all off....

still here..... sadly....

Well, I woke up this mornign, FUCK. Well anyway.. Yeah I woke up this morning at 9:00AM by a phone call..... Guess who? Yeah well Laura called me this morning, I guess she read all my blogs this morning... Uhhh, if only I was thinking instead of just picked up on instinct. Cuz I was thinking about it all day, and I just wonder what would have happened if I didnt pick it up. What would she have done? Really, I want to know what she would have done.... Im thinking she would have drivin here... but I really think thats wishfull thinking.... But yeah, anyway, I guess I"ll never know now.... So yeah, I got a ride to work this morning, and man I felt like total shit!!!! God damnit I felt like a fucking zombie... I didnt speek for the first like 3 horus I was there, not even when Rob and James showed up... And of corse, every god damn person asked me what was rong (if anything). But fuck I fucking hate that!!! I hate when people ask me if somethigns rong.... OF CORSE SOMETHIGNS FUCKING RONG!!! But dont you think i'd talk about it if I wanted to? Uhh, please leave me alone!!!! I'll talk about it if I want to.... Uhh but yeah, so for mostly all the mornign I felt like total shit. But at around 2ish or so, I got Rob to run to the liquor store for me. so I just drank for the rest of the day as I worked. Lol no one knew any differnt cuz I put it in my special cup.... Oh god, I know im becoming an alcoholic. Fuck as much as I hate it. Without it, I'd be even more miserable then I am now... and that would lead to .... Well, more of last night without 2day... wiht no 2morrow... Anyway, im past that now... well for the time being... I kinda thought about it(well, fuck I thought about a shitload of things 2day during my 2-3-4hour silence) and really, the only like 2-3 ppl I'd feel 100% sorry for about killing myself would be Tony, Dave, and Laura.... I'd feel soo bad for Tony and Dave because I know they love me more then anyone else on this earth. Even more then my parents, but yeah, yeah.... Tony and Dave are the best ppl in the fucking world.... And well Laura.... I know if I did end up killing myself, and Laura found out.... I dont even want to think of what would happen, because I know she would think it was all her fault... But really, It isnt!! it really fucking isnt!!! When I do end up killing myself, it will be all my fault, my problem, my issue. So it looks bad that I might hav edone it right after we broke up.... why did we break up? Because im a fucking idiot!, It wasnt even the least little bit her fault.. It was all my stupid dicision to move, and really, I left her... I knwo that, and I dont blame her for anyting, I just dont know why she chose to end it this early... But hey, I guess she has her reasons, so im not going to say anything, infact.... Uhh fuck, no infact. I lost the best thing thats ever happened to me.haw, Oh my fucking god im stupid, No matter how many times I think about it, I still dont knwo why Im doing what im doing... Like why? why the fuck am I leaving her?! She is Perfect. Since last night all i've been thinking about is trying to find negative points to her so I can find reasons to be mad, and try to forget her... But I cant come up with anything... not a god damn thing... she was just soo good to me, and just soo perfect... LIke what more can anyone ask for? A beautiful, drop dead gorgeous woman who loves you, helps you in soo many ways.... drives you places.... Oh god, the fuckign list is endless.... like,,, fuck, why the fuck did I do this? And the worst, worst, WORST part of it all is I know its over.... Like, yeah im coming back for the summer, and even if I stay on PEI after I come back, I know thers no way in hell i'll ever get that chance again.... Its one of those Once In A Lifetime things.... and I blew my shot.... I had her, and I lost her... and shes gone forever.... Fuck.... I guess I hsould be trying to move on, but when I think about it its soo fucking stupid its funny. LIke im laughing out loud now just cuz I realized how stupid I am.... Fuck.its done and over with... but wow, shes just soo perfect.... in ever aspect... and I fucked it alll up... its just running down the drain.... fuck fuck fuck.. Uhh, anyway, im gonna start my drink.... Fuck, my fucking stupid bad fuckign habbits, but its all that can keep my mind off of her... Man I hope I dont think about her in Alberta.... Fuck I hope it doesnt happen.,... The only reason that i'd look back is her... Fuck, I hsould just put her back on the top like she used to be.... I should make her my goal like she was.... I cant put her behind me... its just not one of those things you can forget... We'll see what time does,, but really,... Ohh fuck, ok, im just repeating everying, but thats how bad I get caught up in the moment with her... really, I cant get her out of my head. I Just cant do it. Anyway, yeah, im gonna drink... L8a days....

CRY.....

So yeah, I am crying, so who gives a shit!!! my dad always told me crying solves nothing, and its soo true... But it doesnt solve why we cry... I just talked to morgan.... now I havent shed one tear in around an hour or more.. but just talking to her made me spill more and more tears... I just told her how she had/has everything, and ppl like me have nothing... She knows how well she has it, but still she isnt happy, and I understnad that, but she has no idead how I feel right now... as unhappy as she can be... she can never be as sad as I am right now.... The feeling of being tottally alone, tottally sad, tottally depressed..... Its horrible.... I thought depressed was a tottally stupid feeling and pointless feeling... but... god damnit... I feel sorry for anyone to who has thought about killing themselves.... I used to think it was stupid too, but jesus, if anyone could put themselves into tha tposition and feel how thye feel... Jesus Christ, thats the worst possible fucking feeling in the god damn world... I wish that apon NO ONE!!!, Nothing is worse then that. and trust me I know!!!! I'd rather feel anything then that! its a horrid feeling the feeling of suicide.... Youd rather be dead then think about killing yoruself... FUCK THAT!!! No fucking way.... uhh god... im going to fucking bed, my eyes hurt, and my head is pounding, as well as my wrist.... so fuck it, yeah, im going to bed. l8a fucking days, hopefully, hopefully not....

Smart girls....

Well I 've just been talking to Evan, and I said to him some reallly smart stuff. like how smart it was for Emily and Laura to leave me.... Really tho, like what eh fuck. why the fuck should they stay with me? Uhh fuck, I just told him all about how I fucked up both of their lives..... and how better off they'd both be without me. Like really, I tottally fucked them up and myself.... I todl them both I loved them. which I did, but really,,,, what did that do? Fucked them both up... So I meant it at the time... look at me now.... I still love Laura... but what for? she doesnt love me anymore, or she shouldnt anyway, cuz fuck, What does love mean when theres nothing behind it!?!? So I love her.... whats the point? im moving away.... shes staying here and doing somethin with her life. And im glad for her!, she knows what she wants to do wiht her life... she wants to help people.... and me? what am I gonna do?1?!?! I have no fuccking clue... So far all I want to do is die... and that helps no one. so...... yeah... fuck it..thersno god damn point...no point to anything. why do these ppl go on? fucking idiots!, give it up, your going to die someday soon, just give it up, for fucks sakes, your fucking useless just liek the rest of us......hahahah, I just proved to Evan why I have no reason to live.... hahahaha, its true tho, thats the sad part, I have no real reason to live..... Friends:Nope lost all of them the second I moved out in the summer.... Family: Nope!!! Tonys in halifax, or where ever he is now in the military..... Friends:HAHAHA, my friensd all abandoned me the second summer start, wait I alsready said that... and whats left ... my girlfriend... LOL, I dont have a fucking girlfriend anymore... she left me because she ssmart... to smart for me. Fuck anyone who is smart would know to stay the fuck away from me!!!!. As much as girls are a headcase, im 10 fold.... honeslty if any girl wants to get involved with me, they're soo fucking stupid!!! get a grip~!!! IM A SUICIDAL FREAK!!!! stay away should be the sign on my forehead!!! uhh fuck it, fuck off... no one in their right mind shoudl get involved wiht me......
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Ohh yeah, about that... I was just talking to Evan and he was just sayin about how happy Laura and I looekd 2gether;.... HAHAHAHAH, fuck man, im sorry, but she convinced me too!! Laura can put on "shows" shes told me this before, but she can mak eyo uthink one thing tottally and convince you 100%~~~@!!!!< but they're just shows, thats something girls can do, convince you of things that arent true... Fuck off, god damnit just tell me the fuckign truth!!! Tell me you really love me and you'll want to be with me!!!! Fuck Laura, I FUCKING LOVED YOU!!!!! I FUCKING LOVED YOU!!!! YOU KNOW I HAD TO LEAVE.... IM SOOOOO SOOO SOOOO SORRY, BUT IF I STAYED YOU KNWO I'D KILLMYSELF. I LOVE YOU SO, BUT I CANT STAY HERE. IM SOO SORRY...im sooo god damn sorry.... I know I love you wayy more then Emily, and more then anything else.... but now its all over, all over.....oh god, im sooo fucking sorry. if I could takeeverythin back and go back to summer when it was just the 2 of us I would, and I would for fucking ever!!!!!! god damnit I loved you more then life itslef., but now look.... fuck, I fuckedeveryfuckign thing up. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK!!!!!!!!!!FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuck. fuck.my life is soo fucking fucked up right now... I hpe it never gets better an dI just fucikign die... not only would that solve my problems, but everyone elses too, they wouldnt have to fuckign worry about my stupid mother fucikign shit, but thier own too, they woudlnt have to fucking worry about me. FUCK I'VE TOLD EVERYONE NOT TO FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME!!! WHY THE FUCK DONT THEY LISTEN!?!?!!?!?!?! FUCK I SAID IT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE, DONT THINK ABOUT ME, DONT WORRY ABOUT ME, DONT REMEMBER ME!!! IM GONE!!! JUST DROP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!IM NOTHING!!!! IM FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!.. fuck, I work in fucking 11 hours.... Fuck it, im stil drunk enough to know that I gotta work... lol how sad is taht.... anyfucking way....fuck... fuck fucking work, my 2 weeks are in... who gives a shit...


I hope these scars show... so I am reminded of this time... Fuck every god damn time Ilook at my other scar all I fuckign think about is Emily,..... FUCK!!!! FUCK HER!!!!! As much as I know its all my god damn fault I lost her and fucekd everyfucking thing up with her,,, I still wish I was dead instead of seeing tha tgod damn scar every fucking day..... EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND SEE THA TFUCKING SCAR THATS ALL I THINK ABOUT!!! Emily Fucking Terpstra....... I fucked everything up between us, I know taht...and im sorry, im sorry I fucked you up..... I hope you learned from it and nver have stupid fucking sex with anyone until your married... thats what you wanted didnt you!? and what did I want? fucking stupid fuckign sex... what hte fuck!?!?!! Why the fuck did I presure this on you? FUCKIN IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!! Im soo fucking sorry!!!!! Fuck, its no fucking big deal!! sex is sex, or so im told, I still dont know, and I dont fucking care anymore!! I was going out with Laura for 5 months and I thought I'd know what iw as like., and no... I still dont, but who the fuck cares!!! I'd rather die and not experience that, then fucking force it on someone... fuck that stupid shit!!! FUCK IT!!! thers no fucking reason for it!! forcing one person to do something thye dont want to for an others pleasure..... Fuck off is what I would hav told myself to do!!!! LIke why the fuck did Amber,Emily, Laura... any of them put up with the shit I put them through?!!?!?!?! Im such a fucking idiot.... Uh fuch, I've tried to explain enough, it wont compesate for anything, but im sooo sorry, to you all.... I know it wont mean anything, but I AM SOO, SOO SOOOO SORRY!!!! I wish you all a good life, and dont worry, I will rot in hell for iternity for it all........ You have a good night... l8a days... maybe......

Blood red....

What a beautiful color, Im glad its the last thing i'll see before I go......why cant the blood just run forever? why does it have to freeze up and stop? then it causes more pain as new cuts come about.... and more blood.... more and more blood, yet I still stay awake, and have to see and watch this all.... why ....... Why do I have to suffer it all? Havent I suffered enough!?!?! FUCK!!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO WATCH THIS ALL UNFOLD!!!! JUST LET ME GO AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.....
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I just wen tto the bathroom.... ya know whats there!? my razors,, that I shave with... they are soo much sharper then this stupid fucking pocket knife.....well, lets find out....
FUCK<< GOD DAMN FUCKING BLADES WONT COME APART!!!!uhhhh FUCK!!!!!!, GOD DAMNIT, CUT MY FUCKING THUMG TRYING TO GET THIS GOD DAMN RAZOR OFF IOts bleeding m,ore then the fucking risrt for fcuks sakes......
drip.... drip.... drip.... the blood flows like a leaky faucet.... It kind thraubs in pain,,, but I dont care....
blood red is really a beautiful color....
well, im going to go wash my hands and go take all my Pain-Aid.... i only have a dozen or so.... it says only 8 should be enough to kill me, but i already proved that wrong. lets see whatd 16 will do.... maybe l8a days...

blood red.....

its wierd how they bleed.... Just puddles of blood form from the middle of the cut till the flow down the wrist.....just puddles of blood form in the dead center of the cut, then once enough blood forms in the middle spot, it runs,....

Im just a fuckup.....

It doesnt matter what I do.... But I always, ALWAYS manage to fuck everything up. Anything good that i've had is now gone, and I've been the direct cause for everything. I most likely could have gone someweres in sports... but no, I had to fuck that up, fucking drugs took over and I knew it all along, I could have just stopped and been really good at something, but nope, fucked it all up.... I had Amber,, but nope, fucked that up, leanred the hard way to never cheat on a woman. Then Emily... Oh god, I royally fucked up there. Jesus, No wonder I let ppl walk all over me now, im too fucking scared to do anything... And now Laura... Fuck, I had the most perfect woman, and of corse... I fucked it up.... And this has to of had been the dumbest Mother fucking reason in the world!!! Like what the fuck was I thinking!?!?!?! Why would I leave her? cuz I have no friends, and I live far away from work. Thats pretty much it, like, Im moving to Alberta cuz theres nothing for me here.... Well shes here for me. But for some reason I didnt think that was worth enough.... God damnit im soo fucking stupid. I had it all, and now I have nothing. Not a god damn thing.I always said I could make it totally on my own, but this isnt right. I have nothing, theres nothing for me, and I AM NOTHING!!!. Fuck im just a worthless piece of shit wasting space and air. I shoul fucking killmyslef just to save time... Fuck, I am a fucking mistake. I shouldnt be here. Fuck, I hsould have killed myself long ago when I first tried. why the fuck am I still here? all im doing is fucking up everything I get involved with. And now look at me, im just a cheep drunk, and a fucking drug addict. what the fuck is that?!?!?! Im more worthless and handicapt people. ANd Im going straight to hell for it. Fucking worthless... Useless... Waste... Garbage... Lifeless... Pointless........


All I want to do is fucking killmyslf and I cant even fucking do it!!!!I hold knives. I even cut, but its not deep enough.... I know if I take like 15 of the pills that I have It could most likely kill me, but still I dont, and I dont know why.... It could be soo easy to slide that knife arosss, and take all those stupid little bagagde pills, but for some reason, its just soo hard.... Noy anymore..... it is possible. and I willl do it..... I will die, and it will be all my fault, like everything else is...



I love how people think suicide is soo selfish and stupid... FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT!!!!!!! FUCK YOU ALLLL!!!! IF YOU HAD ANY IDEA WHAT RUNS THROUGH OUR HEADS!!!! IF YOU KNEW WHY WE DO IT, OR WHY WE TRY!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!
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I need to sharpen my blade to my knife, its not cutting as good as the blade I used last time....

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I want to die....

turns out my pants are waterproof!

Well, I just got home from work(its now 9:21, and I went to work for 10 this morning) and its pouring out! Like sheets of water coming down at a time. Anyway, my legs are dry but the 4 layers I had on my upper body(a t-shirt, a long sleeve, and 2 hoodies) are all soaked!!!! but hey, its only water, so fuck it.

SO this weekend was prolly one of the worst ever. Fuck. Like fuck. Fuck, I had such high hopes for it. Like I planned out what I was gonna do on friday for a good while now, I was just gonna invite Laura over, have some chinese food, watch a movie maybe 2, ya know just enjoy the night, try to make it somewhat different from normal,(considering the whole 5 month thing) but those plans fell through,,, I was kinda really pissed, but I got over it after a couple drinks that night... But then on Saturday, she doesnt even look at me? or even try to talk to me? that kinda irked me a lot. And now 2day(sunday) same thing.... So.... I dont know, im assuming the worst here, but really I dont knwo what to do, so,,, what am I gonna do? the same thing I always do when shit goes rong, im gonna get fucking drunk and hope I forget about it, but then 2morrow when I wake up and feel like shit all day at work again... lol, uhh god, same shit day after day after day... ... Man I cant wait to get out of here.Fuck. I had everything in the summer. Like honestly, this past summer was proly the best 2 months of my life, I had a sweet place with sweet roomates, plus it was only like 3 mins walking distance from work, a steady job, an awsome girlfriend that I saw every day..... And now look at me, I live 15 mins biking distance from work, shit hours, no friends, one shitty room mate, one ok one, no friends, and now most likely no girlfriend... hahahah, I hope its true what they say "Its only after you've lost everythign are you free to do anything" because i've really lost it all now...

wtf?

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here!? Like honestly, I have no fucking clue what im supposed to do. I have 2 more weekends on this stupid shithole. Anyfuckingway.... Im just gonna make sure Adams gonna drive me to work 2morrow, then im gonna go to fucking bed, fuck this, its been a fucking horrible mother fucking day anyway, theres only 1 or 2 things that can possibly make it worse, and I dont want to stay awake to see if they happen. fuck that, 2morrow can be shit for all I care, but nothing else in this day can go wrong, fuck that. L8a days.

So my plans are Shattered....

Yup, I got work off, made sure she did too, cleaned everything in my rooms, washed my cloths, washed my sheets and blankets, pretty much prepared for anything, and then the message comes up "Not gonna be out 2night"well pretty much, so fuck, I guess thats that, she cant come over 2ngiht, oh well, its not like 2day was anything special, well to some ppl I guess. I kinda concider 5 months not too bad, but yeah what ever.
So yeah, im drinking. Its now 5:18PM. LOL, and man im kinda feeling those like 3 shots of vodka, and that beer, but im sure it'll only get worse, I still have prolly 3/5ths of a quart of vodka, some rum, and one more beer, i'll prolly get someone to get me something to and just get royally fucked up 2night, why the fuck not? so I work at 9AM 2morrow, who gives a fuck. Fuck it all, Fuck this world, FUCK EVERYTHIGN THAT YOU STAND FOR!!!!, God damnit I love Slipknot. I hate how everyone is soo against MEtal, fuck its the best music anyone can listen to, And dont give me any of this bullshit about it just being screaming and shit, if you read and listen to the lyrics, its fucking more indepth then any of this bullshit you hear on the radio. Like fuck off/..... Anyway, im gonna ask Chalen to get me some more beer, be back ina few.....5:24PM..
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yeah, so Chalen is a tard and isnt going to go right now, so im gonna go to the store and get some mix, I cant handle 5 shots of rum, and 3/5ths a quart of vodka in shots, fuck that, Mix, here I come.... brb 5:27PM....
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ALright, so back, 5:44. So Nikita Chard works at the convienent store down the road. yeah shes going to UPEI like everyone else. hahaha, stupid school ppl,, Anyway, time to mix drinks.....
wow, Tropicana twister grape Berry with Vodka... I dont know what I think of it yet... uh, give me a sec.... its good, but im not too sure if its really good or not. Yup, ypu. Oh man, im gonna get too drunk too fast, and pass out, as long as I get back up early, i'll be fine tho, hahaha. take that.

so I just kinda came to a conclusion. The only thing i've eaten 2day was a Matt-made Egg MacMuffin at work this morning at 10. lol, no wonder im this drunk this fast. plus the whole chugging thing, but fuck thats my choice.Uhh, almost done first glass...

I just saw 4:20, im gonna try to scrounge up some weed to smoke, brb
sec... before I do that, Im going to state why im going to Alberta, and why im not going to stay there long, well sorta....
Ok. So, ppl think im moving to Alberta because its a way to get out of here, which is true, but im going to Dave cuz hes the only one I know out there, but trust me, once im stable and stuff, im going to leave him too, just for these reasons.... You'll think they're stupid as fuck, but trust me they're true....
- Dave is my brother. I respect him more then almost anyone, but really hes just a place for me to stay right now. Once I have enough money and stuff, im going to leave him because he's been taking care of me for... well as long as I can remember, its time for me to get out on my own and finally stop letting ppl take care of me, FUCK. Everyone's been helping me forever!!! Fuck I gotta start doign things tottally on my own, and me living with him is like him showing me the world. Fuck that, I need to get out and leave everyone, and everyting I know!! Sec, I just wrote somethign to Evan that I gotta post, it proly doesnt make seince now, but fuck it....


"yeah but hes been takign care of me for as long as I can remember, its like my 3rd leg to rely on, and I gotta stop that!!! fuck Evan, you dont know what its like for everyone to take care of you everywere you go!!! fuck im sick of everyone doing everythign for me!!!! I gotta do things on my own for once, fuck!!!! God damn it, I gotta leave everyone I know so I can finally be on my own"

So yeah, back to lookin for weed.....


Yup, I just figured out im going to leave everyone, and everything I know....

On to a diffferent thought... FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE that dont think i'll be a ninja! the day I feel taht i've truely become on, I swear to God I'll kill you all... Its funny to you now, be see how funny it is when your bleeding to death from every possible surface and lookin up at my face to which I'll finally show you after all yoru suffering... You will see my face at your last possible moment of life before I take it!, You will all die at my wrath!, and when taht day comes, you will see that all your hatred towards me will kill yourself!!!!Ha, Evan laughs at me, and so will everyone else when they read this, but trust me, you will all suffer at my hands.... You wait and see..... ha, hahahah, ahahahhahaha......
6:25PM......
Wow, I managed to scrape a full boul, and maybe a bit more... I'll find out when im done.... But yeah as of now, imgonna go to the bathroom, and then go smoke this boul.... brb, 6:35PM......
NO WAIT!!! Im just going to kill everyone, and everything I know, so that way the whole world is wondering "how/what killed all these ppl, why is everything dead?" Hahahah, fuck everyone, fuck everythign!.


6:49PM. Just came in from smoking a boul and talking to Chalen for a little bit. Thinking about calling Anna in a little bit, if not now, ..... You know what for.....

ahahhahaha, The time right now is 6:49!!!HAHAHAHHA, get it, 649, the lottery.... uhhh anyway.. fuck.
Fuck. Anna istn answering.... ahh well fuck it.. Music time....
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WOW!!!!, I just realized something... Horse (Jeff Dykerman). Is the fucking man!!!., OK... Now being tottally seriouse here, Horse has taken the role of someone I actuelly call brother on this island now... Seriously tho. LIke Horse is one of those ppl that you get the vibe that they are honesly as honest and seriouse as they act. LIke I dont just mean on anything, but on those things that, you know that sertain ppl just cannot lie about sertain things to their honest friends.... OHh fuck, this prolly sounds like bullshit... But if you ever believe on kidna thinking like the old days when people relied on other peoples word. their trus. Thier honor pretty much i guess you could call it. But yeah LIke certain people you could just trust because you know.. anyway, Jeff is one of those most loyal person I know really. LIke Especially to the Richard Family, Like he knows Tony, Sara(a little bit), Dave, and I. And now that it is only I on this island of the Richards, right now, I think im closer to Horse, then I ever was, Hes the fuckingf man, and hes most likely the only person in the world that is crazyer then I am!!!!., like that takes alot, but the award is awarded to Horse Dykerman@@@@!!!!... Hahah.... 7:02PM.... brb....
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ohhhh man, I just realized something... WHen I leave./.. besides wheN I come home for this first winter/christmas... Im prolly never gonna come back to PEI,. Like Honestly. Man, fuck, like really, Im prolly just gonna work my ass offf or months on end, save up a shitload of money, take a like 2-3 week bing of drungs and alcohol spree. then leave and go somerwer new. I'll do that foever. and just leave each place and eve return. till I actuelly learn every martial arts I want. cuz in each place im going to masterone type of martial arts. then after I get all the ones I want, i'll truely become a ninja, the onthat I want to be, and i'll be able to conquor all.... ...
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Im Not Okay - My Chemical Romance, Fucking great song!!!7:38, Nathens talking to me, brb...
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Yeah, so , I might jsut take a nap, or wait, im gonna go to the bathroom and wash my face with really cold watter, that'll wake me up, brb... 7:44....
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So I jsut went to the bathroom and I just foudn out that I can put my pinky finger all the way through my ear lobe, I finally streched it that far. wow.... 7:49....
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Im now listening toMy Last Serenade - Killswitch Engage, better enough im goin to put on the video that I made that has this as the soudntrack. brb......


Ohh Man, my fucking movie is UN-FUCKING-REAL!!!!!!! man, its soo sweet, someday im gonna meet up with everyone in the video and do something crazy with them!!!! hahaha fuck yeah!.

8:00....
uhh, incase I fall asleep,. its now 8:05PM. ...
wait talking to Evan, might go get a snadwedge.......mmmmmmm.... sandwedge at 8:14PM.

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Well its now 8:22PM, and I think tha tim gonna go try to find something to do, maybe go play adams XBOX. so yeah, l8a days....

just smoked.... thoughts on everything....

1:11AM, Listening to Thursday. The whole album of Full Collapse.Plus Jet Black New Year..
Now 1:22, Listening to my favorite Thursday song, well one of the three...

Cross Out The Eyes.

Let's call this the quiet city: Where screams are felt as a wave of stoplights Drive through the streets as gunshots punctuate the nightThe sides we take divide us from our faith And the morning dove gets caught in the telephone wire Asleep you set the fire in your own house And the night was a knife that cut And I'm paralyzed Cross out the eyes Blur all the lines Tearing this canvas from the wall We crossed out the eyes Put lines through these cries We pulled all the leaves from the trees that fall A silent dance that we did into this hospital bed Hear voices from another room "It happens all the time" But July in the sand The leaves fallingAnd counting down our days to live.... Drain the blood from this valentine. "We can rise on the wings of the dove See blue skies getting caught in the trail of all this smoke We can rise like candles in the dark-yours always" and an envelope marked with your new address Asleep you set the fire in your own house And the night was a knife that cut And I'm paralyzed Cross out the eyes Blur all the lines Tearing this canvas from the wall We crossed out the eyes Put lines through these cries We pulled all the leaves from the trees that fall It was the first time face to face I'm crossing the line Talking to the other side of death Hearing the words that choke memories into flatlines I'm calling your name hoping for something to wash these dreams of you away (can't we die!)(memories in flatlines!)Cross out the eyes with a set of these linesCross out the eyes with a set of these lines!(cross out the eyes!)Our fence was blown down in a winter storm and this field(Cross out the eyes!)Stretches out of this world into the sound(A trace of)What can we do to put a stop to these coming white days(A love song)I'm hoping the snow will wash these dreams of you away(Stretches out of this world, let's drive back the dead. Stretches out of this world.Stretches out of this world.)

Paris In Flames

"Paris In Flames"Now it's time to wrap our fears in the night And on the first day I'll dress this city in flames After all the things you say You hate me for being this way Still you won't let go of old ideals There is no headline to read at night When the record skips and you're not holding the needle We all sing the songs of separation And we watch our lives bleed out through our hands That's how it was on the first day When we saw Paris in Flames Rain, rain downI think it's going to rain, rain down [x2]I think it's going to rainI think it's going to rain, rain down [x3]I think it's going to rainHere in this collapsed lung of a borough There is no sunlight The sunlight is manufactured in a windowless room Distant and incoherent Businessmen hang themselves We all sing the songs of separation And we watch our lives bleed out through our hands That's how it was on the first day When we saw Paris in Flames The lower east side is a jukebox playing the deadman's crescendo The needle is a vector An intersection that we all must crossA dimly lit hallway where shadows of moths decorate the walls Discard this messageDiscard this messageDiscard this message(Burn this city down, down...)Discard this message Throw this bottle back in the ocean Rip this page from the history books Smash all the street signs Erase all the maps Forget my name Forget my face Forget my name Because it's going to rain (it's going to rain)And it never endsRain, rain downI think it's going to rain, rain down [x2]I think it's going to rainI think it's going to rain, rain down [x3]I think it's going to rain(We all sing the songs of separation And we watch our lives bleed out through our hands That's how it was on the first day We saw Paris in Flames)

OHH FUCK YEAH, THAT FUCKING SONG ROCKS!!!.

ok, on to other of their stuff..

Ohh Jesus, Understanding a Car Crash is a great song too...

Fuch just download the Full Collapse CD. and go get the lyrics. they're fucking unreal... 1:47PM..

Wow yeah, gonna go check onmy laundry, then prolly go to bed, by Tom Petty - Roll Another Joint is on right now... good chilll.... L8a days. 2:00AM!

almost the weekend....

Well I guess technically its now friday (12:46AM) but hey... So yeah I havent written in this for a couple of days because... well really I havent had anything to report. LOL I know my last entry was pretty lame, but taht day turned out pretty damn good, I ended up biking to some woods, and found some trails so I biked in there for a while, then sat and chilled by myself and smoked a couple joints, and wrote in my book. lol, 4 pages of just freewritting. LOL I'd write it all down in here, but its kinda shit that I dont really want to release yet... Well, mostly just shit bout going to Alberta, and the stuff I need to take care of before then, but yeah, I kinda enjoyed writting with a pencil for the first time in a while. My writting it absolutely horrible, and anyone who knows me knows that, but still, I like to write... SO yeah, the whole Rainbow Valley thing... Well, It happened. I have many pictures, but they're mostly all pretty dark, and they stories behind them are more the funny part.,,,, You'd really have to be there, but yeah... Anyway, The only real reason IM writting this is because I kinda realised that I only have 3 maybe 4 weekends left on PEI, and thats including this weekend. So I might only be on this damn island for 2 weeks minumum. and 4 max... HA, take taht PEI, fuck you Im leaving!. Anyway, Im gonna go see if Adam wants to do something, if not, im heading to bed, so yeah L8a days...

stupid kids and their school....

so Im awake now at 1:10PM on Tuesday, the second day of my 2 days off. fucking bored to fuck. all I want to do is bike to West wood and go smoke a boul down there and think, maybe write some shit down in my book, but nooo. Icant do that cuz theres still little kids in there, fuckers!! Uhh fuck, yeah, I dont know what to do.... soo im just gonna go now... Ohh yeah, and dont count on either the rainbow valley explination, or many blogs from now on in... I've realised taht they're pretty usseless, and hassling... so yeah, fuck it.

Ok.... Here goes....

Well, it is now 12:03AM. I dont know what exactly im gonna start into here, but I can truely say that im most likely gonna be up for a very long time 2night, and I just wanted to start this blog off sober and straight.... But now I have to go outside and smoke, my head is just full of stupid shit that I need straightening out... I'll explain when I get in......12:04
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Wow, yeah, its now 12:44.. I was just outside smoking my face off and talking to Melissa. Soyeah,I ended up smokin 5, mayb 6 bouls to myself. well, I had 5, and as a congratulations for not losing your stoner skills and love, I smoked a special 6th boul... it felt great.... ANyway, listening to music really really stoned rigth now. brb.... 12:46....
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yeah going to have a shower
wait, sandwich and shower...
nah, I forgot gout shouwer, now jsut oint to bed., fucking tired, stoned, and tired.... l8a days,...
1:06AM

This is why I was an hour and half late....

This is why I was an hour and a half late for work yesturday.... Look at me.... Now it looks like one eye is partially open, somewhat closed to prove how fucked up I was.... and the other one... well, its mostly closed... So yeah, I was kinda messsed , lol, well theres a shitload more picutres, most of which are from Rainbow Valley, but this one is from saturday night, the night after rainbow, and as you can see, im prety messed, but they all were too, infact horse Passed out before me that night, and he looks good inthis picture...
ANyway, till more picutres come, i'll see ya later

Taking down my room....

Yeah, so 4:20 just passed, and I was thinking..."where can I get some weed" but then just said fuck it cuz I gotta save as much money as I possibly can. Anyway, yeah so I woke up at like... I dunno what time it was, but it doesnt really matter, cuz I havent done one single thing since I've woken up, I walked to the store and got bread, thats it!. yeah,,, so thats how interesting my day has been soo far. and Now im doing the number 2 thing that I hate(taking down all my shit on my walls, and packing everything up). The number 1 thing that I hate doing is moving, and that will come soon enough. Dont ask why im taking everything down now, cuz I really couldnt tell ya, im just bored as fuck, and I'll have to do it sometime, so why not now. But yeah I kinda came to a realization 2day, and I think I might head out West even earlyer then I thought, I just have to get certain shit straightened away first, like I gotta work out my whole phone thing, Id unno how thats gona work exactly, but hey, i'll have to look into it. That and I gotta get a voluntary ID. Just so I'll have some form of ID out there. So yeah, those 2 things and my pay. Im gonna have to get direct deposit hooked up so taht way I can leave that much ealyer and just get it automatically deposited. So, I think those are the 3 top things on my list of things to do before I leave. But reallly I think thats about it. Like I've said a million times before, I dont have much here on PEI, and thats exactly what im getting away from. So yeah.....
Yup... Im really out of things to say so im gonna head out, l8a days...

a nice little nap...

Its now 9:03PM. I got back from JR's to get some pizza like half an hour ago, and I woke up at around 8ish. So I had a nice little sleep after work, lol. I showed up an hour and half late for wokr, was too fucked up so they sent me home at like 12:30. lol So yeah it was a good day so far. Uhh so yeah, what a fucked up night it was last night... Jesus. Well I woke up yesturday morning at like 8 to go to work for 9, ended up working for almsto 12 hours, then went to the house. Started off just waiting for Tony to get there so we could smoke, and originally thats all I was gonna do. Then I got bored of waiting so I got jeff to take me to the liquor store, and I got 12 beer... cool cool, had a few while waiting for Tone. Then we ended up smokeing before he got ther(Kenny and I) and I drank a bit more.. Then when Tony got there we smoked again, but he and Jeff wanted to make it an excellent night so we got 1 each and took that at like quarter to 12. so when they got back from the bars we were all still pretty fucking fucked!!! anyway, I ended up drinkin all 12 beers. smkoing a shitload, and was totally tweaked out from that e. Anyway, yeah so I dunno what time it was when we all passed out, but fuck, I dont remember going upstairs. and somehow thats where I woke up.... Anyway, im sure I'll get the full story from someone. So yeah I'll explain the whole Rainbow Valley trip when I get some pictures to show... so till then, keep posted.... anyways, yeah thats pretty much it, im still kinda tired and I dont know what im gonna do cuz I just slept for like 6 horus so I wont be able to sleep all the way through the night so... I dunno. Maybe if I get really lucky Laura will come home from her friends thing early 2night and want to come over here. LOL. if I get lucky. Anyway, im gonna go have a shower to pass some time. l8a days...

so I may still be messed up....

Well its now 12:49PM, I just got home from work, I worked for like an hour and a half.Man I was way too fucked still to go to work, well I was an hour and I half late anyway, like jus tto show to work, but yeah, fuck im still way too messed to try to tell ya bout the night, so im gonna go to bed, and try to recap when Im straight. l8a days....

RainBow Valley...

Well the mission is done... and I mus say.. It was awsome, it took us a lot longer to do everything,, but it was awsome, i'll explain later and i'll have pictures too so it'll help, anyway, I work in a little bit so i'll catch yas later.. l8a days

wow....

Well, it is now 9:21AM, I just woke up and had a shower, now im going the fuck back to bed, hahaha, just wanted to say that I am up now, I dont know waht time I went to bed, but hey, it was prolly somewhat late.. yeah, l8a days..

Works over, DRUNKESS BEGINS!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAH, yeah, its now 1:33 AM on..... tuesday..? no friday. yeah friday.,,,, Anyayway, im kinda drunk, just a little buxzzz.... I had a pint of red beer from work after I closed form a 12 hour shift, and man it felt soo fucking good to down that. anyway, then I b ked home and chugged 3 beers in the past, ohhhhhhhhhh lets say 20 mins. So I felel DANDY!!!, thats rigth I said dandy,hahaha, anyway yeah feels damn good to get fucking wasted, and im thinking about smoking some weeed tooo. ohh god yes, weed.... I still have a bowl or so left, hmmmm yeah, chug beer, then go smoke bowl, thats a good god damn plan. well fuck man, im going to go do that..hahahahahahhahahahaha, brbb. ohhhhh wait, I made stuffed crust pizza 2night, fuck im awspome, and Joey says Im worthless. WELL FUCK YOU JOEY, im a god damn good cook when I want to be. but yeah, back too the bowl smoking/... WOw, I only have enough for one bowl left, man, IM gonna enjoy this... WAIt, Im gonna put on my new pants to smoke this, hahah man, tehese pants are sweet..sooo many pockets... soo warm.... waterproof....



OHHH GOD~!!!!!!!!!, I FUCKING LOVE WEED. Like wow, as much as I can say I dont miss weed, and Ican go a long tim without it, I fucking love it!!! Like wow. I just smoked a fair sized bowl to myself on the deck, and it was kinda old weed in a goodly airlocked bag, and it was busted up like a mofo, as well as a good top layer of hippie crack on top( Now for you who dont know Hippie Crack is the really finely grinded up weed or "Crystals" from the weed that collect up at the blenders sharp edges. Thats where my blender comes in very handy. It has 1 on each side of a good 3 cmish sharp edges. Aswell as where the buttom pushes down...(there is 2 sides to this about the same lenght(3cm)) .
Ohhh< im soo stoned that I tottaly lost control of what I was saying there, and now I have no idea to finish what ever I just said.Wait, No I cants evne remember what I was tal,ing about, thats why.... Ohh man....
Wait,...
Head phones....
Revenous...
Arch Enemy.
LOUD~!!!!

OHHH MAN< THE DOUBLE FUCKING KICKS@@@@@!!!!!!


Anyway.,,,,, its now 1:59AM. .... Yeah, Im thinking maybe some push ups, and situps., then shower., then chug last beer
but wait. ONLY have soo much stonedness..... and I dont wanna get aht shitty beer taste when I still have weed taste. Fuck I hate how some ppl say that they hate the taste of your mouth right after you smoke. Like when you get teh pasteys, well sorta... Anyway, yeah like if you dont eat anything after yuou smoke, I think you'd like it after a while. I kinda do anyway, but yeah, Im gonna stay up till when ever the fuck I want, LIke fuck, whhy the fuck not? I only work at 5 2Morrow... Man if I wasnt stoned I'd be typing soo badly right now. Its just cuz im stoned that im using backspace. Cuz right now, Im sooo fucking drunk and STONED!@!!, its FANTASTIC. anyway fuck, fuckikng addam is talking.. sec...Anyway.. fucking way...

Welll. I just listened to Joey Jordison(The drummer from SLIPKNOT) Anyway, hes fucking amazing, I have a drumsolo, and its fucking unreal!!. ask me to send it to ya...

Its true, you only need 4 hours of sleep a night. Trust me. sometiesm I get less then that and im fine the next day.

Ohh man, its now 3:36Am.. and I just put on the new socks I bought,. man they feel good, I mgiht just run to the store... jmmm


brb


MAN!!! THeses New Socks are the shit!!! fuclk man they're wicked, I just wore them for teh bike ride down tot he store and man, thye're worth the 15$$ I paid for 2 pair. anyway, food time
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OK,.. sao im bored, im going to listen to music for the next while, and explain why I like this song, and what it reminds me of/wher I got it from.... 4:02
-Blow me Away- Breaking Benjamin. It reminds me of Tony because he told me the name of the song and to download it. But it also reminds me of Halo 2, cuz its the theme song for the second halo. BUt I find the words are really good in it, LIke "I'll be the one to save us alll" its good for the halo, but yeah. fuck im too stoned, fine., "Only the strongest will survive"good quotes,.,,,,,chip and dip

Rise Against - Anywere but here... good song, when I think of anything from Rise Against I think of Megan Landry. Shes a really fucking cool smart kid. I kinda miss her actuelly to think of her right now. fuck, im gonna write her an e-mail right now... brb.,...An MSN messgae at the leaste.

White zombie - Kenny, what can I say besides Kenny,.....

Children of Bodom - Bodom Beach Terror. This song really reminds me of James Gallant from work because hes the only perosn in the world who would know of, plus he has like everyone of thier CD's, but my friends Phill Dykerman (one of the many great Dykermans) suggested to download of the great "tunes". Yeah, Great great band. im glad those 2 ppl showed me them...

System of A Down - chop Suey.... I dunno relaly, I just downloaded it, and I cant really rmemeber why... wait, that crazy wierd video that Adam showed me ealyer.... ohh yeah check this crazy "drummer" out. http://www.comegetyousome.com/funny%20videos_19.htm
sec... http://www.comegetyousome.com/video/misc/bucket_drummer.wmv
There try that.... so yeah.

The All American rejects - StraightJacket feeling.... Morgan. Thats all I can really say, this song reminds me of Morgan, well, and Laura, uhh I dont want to get started on music that reminds of me of Laura, cuz when ever I hear them in life, I'll always remember them..... thats why I want her to download a playlist on my comp sometime, so some day I can listne it it and it'll all remind me of her.... yeah so.. thast hat song.. before I get carried away....

Grady... Phill Dykerman again, that kids fucking wicked!!!!!!!!

Well, i tottaly forgot what I was doijg, but right now im looking at myu pictures and they're fuckling wicked!!!!!! i'd post some, but im fucking laz,y, sooo lazy infact im going to bed. l8a days.,,,,

One long ass day...

So I woke up this morning at 6AM to find out that the sun wasnt even up at 6, lol... my bad, anyway I waited around till there was some good sunlight, but it was a shitty monring so I figured I wont go shroom picking... But I had enough sleep and coudlnt get back to sleep so I figured why not go to work and get my shit done so work would be easy.... LOL like that would happen. I weent to work 3 hours before my shift, and did work for those 3 horus and didnt get paid for it only to get bitched at for not having shit done... like usualy. Fuck I hate that god damn place... SO after I worked(getting paid to work 11-2) I sat in the bar for 3 hours till I went on work again. Then 7 oclock came and it was time for the kitchen staff meeting that wasnt supposed to take long ran till 8:15.... And of corse it wasnt really a meeting, it was a bitch fest from our Dumbfuck boss Joey... I knew thats all it was going to be, but fuck it , its done now... Anyway, lots of shit happened before, during and after, but really... Im too fucking lazy and tired to try to explain. Lets just say I cant wait to get the fuck out of there and move out West. Uhh I gotta call that scafold company 2morrow sometime, see what they're all about. If thats for real and I can get into it, I most likely will, even tho I'll have to stay on PEI till atleast the 9th of december.... hopefully it'll take me somewere... Anyway, im going to bed, I gotta work the same god damn shift 2morrow, plus I'll prolly get yelled at more 2morrow for a shitty close 2night. anyway, fuck it, l8a days....

its now 7:39AM...

Well I know why im up right now, because I went to sleep last night at like 8ish, but its all good, im just gonna head into work like 3 hours ealy and do all my shit so I can leave that much faster... My orginal plan was to wake up at like 6(which I did) and go lookin for some mushrooms, but its kinda wet, and it wasnt really bright enough at 6 so.... Anyway, Its Ryans Birthday 2day! I'll have to wish him a good one sometime...
Well, I really dont have anything to say, and I know I didnt write in this much yesturday I dont think... Anyway, im gonna go to Macdonalds for breakfast before I go to work, so yeah, im heading out, l8a days...

Yeah, soo what, I smoked yesturday....

So I cracked.... It wasnt even cracked, I just felt like doing it and I figured well why the fuck not? I kinda wanted to do it by myself just so I could stop and sit and not have to think... But I dunno, I kinda missed smoking with ppl, cuz thats what we used to do, thats just what happened.... Anyway, so I sent Pat a message, and Im soo glad he called me back just before I got started, cuz he came down to Westwood with me, and we smoked, just him and I, like the old days.... We even discussed many of the old times we've had, and as perfect as it seemed, I had to write them down:P. I had my book for when I was originally going to smoke alone I was going to write down everything I thought of, but since Pat was there we talked about the old times so I wrote that down anyway.. Heres the couple of times that we talked about(the ones I could write down fast enough wihtout laughing at our sorry asses. - The time that Pat and I smoked just him and I out of this bong that I bought for Jamison as a joke for christmas(its this bong that is shaped exactly like a huge penis, the balls is the chamber and everything, its a gay ass bong, but man the hits you get from it are HARSH) Anyway, we were smoking it outside behind the bushes where we used to cuz we were soo secretive about smoking back then. lol ohh the good old days... anyway, a car pulled into his drive way just as we finished, and of corse we thought it was the cops. So we hid the bong in some snow and then RAN!!!! and once we got soo far we thought.... "wait we prolly shouldnt leave that there, but how are we gonna take it? cuz I dont want to be holding a penis bong walking down the street to my house...." so we stood there for a while, stoned out of our minds trying to think of something... then I turned around to look back to where we hid it and Pat said... " Man!! you have a kitbag on your back!!!!" So we laughed our asses off at ourselves for prolly a half an hour so till we went back and got the bong and put it in my kitbag, and by that time the car that we thought was a cop(which ended up to just be Anna) had left, so it was all pointless anyway... but that was just one of the many adventures of Matt, Pat, and weed. lol of the many spectacular times we never woudl of had if we never started to smoke weed.... Im soo glad we did..... -Time number 2 we talked about, which I dont fully remmember, but Pat thought it was fucking awsome was when we first started smoking weed we only did it at Ryans place cuz his dad was usually never home so we never had to worry about gettign caught.... Anyway, I think it was Jamison, Jarod, Pat, Ryan, Craigh, and I who were there (Ryan and Craig oviously didnt smoke but still) And we just got in from smoking(prolly not much, maybe ajoint or 2 between the 4 of us) and we got inside and we just started talking about god knows what and someone got up to walk somewere or something, and they fell, like clean right over and hit the ground, and we all just BURST out laughing!!! Like beyond histarically laughing, like running out of breath till you choke, then when you get a bit of air you still laugh your ass off... Anyway we laughed for soo fucking long that time.... anyway, it was great.... - Anyway, the last thing I have written down was "how cool would it be if when Pat and I return(come out of the woods after smoking) and everythign was just royally fucked up!!! like lets say, while we were in the woods, Resident Evil happened.... Everyone just turned into zombies, and all of a sudden we both had to fight for our lives... That thought crossed my mind because my fate would be decided for me, I'd have to fight for my life every day for how ever long it took. I'd love that because thered be no other choice, and I'd have one of the strongest ppl I know to back me up, and I him. I think we could have done it. but yeah that was that... it was cool...



Anyway, I put this picture in just cuz its the only one I have of me and Pat, and as you can tell this was... jesus, I dont even know how long ago, Ohh wait, I only had dreds for 2 months, and that was teh summer of grade 11-12, So it was either July or Augest of last year.... so yeah, thats Pat and I. Wicked times we had..... Yeah thats pretty much it so, till l8a 2day, L8a Days....

I dunno, lots of topics....

ok, so its now 4:14 AM, and I just realised why I used to smoke soo much weed soo often.... I cant sleep. I havent really really tried, but im kinda wide awake, I've watched a couple movies and some Whose Line is it anyway to pass some time, and all I am now, is bored. Well, sorta, im listening to music now which is cool, but I really just cant stop thinking about stuff... Stuff = Laura. This is stupid, I know I have to go to Alberta, and she knows I have to go. Yet I really dont want to for the soul reason of her. Uhh, no more fucking thinking about it. im going and thats final.So yeah. there, its done, and thats all I can do.
So yeah, Laura came over 2night, and for the first like hour it seemed, we were silent. We didnt really speek at all... Then all of a sudden she looked at me and said she was trying soo hard. I didnt understand at first, but then it happened.Like... wow, I really did not know she cared that much for me. I know shes told me before how much she likes me and stuff, and I believed her, but I really did not see this. I know she thinks shes making things worse, but really, Im soo glad she told me all the things she did, because wow, I just did not know she cared that much. Now I know that she does love me as much as I love her. And really... thats a great feeling. as sad as it is that im leaving, I couldnt be more happy about our situation because the second I get out there and I start to miss home, thats all I'll think about. Laura. She is the only thing I like about this stupid Rock I call home. And she will be the only reason I come back. Anyway, I could talk all day and all night about Laura, so I guess I should get on to other things that have been bothering me...
I put my CBR ring on my lip, and man I miss having my lip pierced!!! When I get out West and get that job that Daves talking about im gonna ask if they'll allow me to have my lip pierced, and if they say yes, im gonna get my lip redone when I come home at christmas. Cuz man I love them soo much!!!I miss the pain of them, and the satisfaction of them... I guess I just really miss them in general!, Fuck I cant even remember my last one, well I guess it was my nipples. Jesus, that was During basketball season in March I think. So yeah, if I am allowed to get piercings, I'll prolly go crazy with them just cuz I'll be able to. Like i've always wanted to get both side lips pierced, my toung done a couple more times, the cheeks(both of corse) and inner eyebrows. Well I think thats all I really want for now, but im sure i'll think of others when/if I get them all. But yeah, this will all be after I finish my left arm tattoo. Once thats done, I'll get the right side, then my left calf. So I figure that should take a good while to do, prolly a good couple months of solid saving money. Anyway, these are just things that I want to do, and I figure why the fuck not? If im up there for the next "year" or so, well till summer, then all I'll be doing is the same thing as here(fucking nothing, just working and living) but i'll be making double the money(literally)so it'll be very possible.
SO I just checked on my ninja boots, and theres only 18 hours left and Jeffs still the higher bidder=], FUCK YEAH!!!!, the only bad thing is that thats an extra prolly 60$ or so bucks that I gotta spend. Although I've always wanted some, its 60$$ish dollars I shouldnt be spending. But I've been doing really well not to spend much money. I spent5bucks today on pizza, and thats prolly the first bit of money i've spent in a good week or so, so as long as I limit myself and dont spend money on needless shit I should be fine. But I do need to buy Laundry Detergent. I prolly have enough for maybe 3 more loads. So that should be it, and my fucking Electricity bill, But other then that, I have nothing else to pay for, I paid rent, Internet, and my phone bill all already, and I have around 550$. Plus we get paid this friday, and tips this sunday, so.... I should hopefully have close to a grand in the bank by this time next week.
Ohh poor Laura, She left here and said she was going home to try to get some sleep, but I bet she didnt get to bed yet. Well maybe by now, but she prolly took a really long time to fall asleep. Fuck, why do I have to hurt more fucking ppl. This is exactly why I shouldnt get involved wiht anyone under any cercumstances. If I dont do something stupid to fuck it up, Well, i'll just do something even stupider to fuck it up worse, LIKE MOVE AWAY!!! What the fuck am I thinking? I finally have someone who really cares for me and what do I do? Fuck it up by leaving... and why? just cuz I make things look a shitload worse then what they are? Really, my life is not as shitty as im making it out to be. Honesly, I have it not too bad, so I have to bike a little ways to work every day. I have a steady job(it may suck dick, but who likes their job? And it may be stressfull as hell, but thats what it comes down to so theres not a thing I can do about it) A Fantastic girlfriend, and some pretty cool roommates. All im really missing is my friends. And man do I ever miss those guys. Fuck I wish I knew what happened with them, But therse no looking back now, When I leave Im not gonna say a word to any of them, see how long it takes them to realise im gone. I bet they'll have no clue for around 2-3 maybe more months. Seriously tho, they havent tried to contact me in anyway for weeks now, and before that it was prolly months. So really if I dont go on MSN they'd never have any reason to believe I was alive let alone still on PEI. Seriously tho, the one really good friend I'll miss will be Pat, hes the only one whose really actuelly called me before and tried to contact me to just hang out. As for Jamison, lol, im not even gonna start, the only time I see him is when I go to the movies or randomly run into him. ANd Jarod, well Im kinda happy for Jarod, hes doing pretty well for himself, I understand how he doesnt really have time for me cuz hes hardcore with school, and he just moved into town (I think) and hes really being very social, every time I hear from him hes with these ppl, or he did this or that last night and met this person and that person. So good for him really. I just miss him thats all, and all the times we've had. But hey, thats all behind me now. What I have now is new times in a new city with my brother. And that guy has been there for me since before I could walk. No one has my back like Dave does, He'll always be there for me, as much as I've said I'll never rely on anyone but myself, he would be my only real weekness. Besides Laura of corse, but you know what I mean...
Well, its almost 5, uhh, I really dont knwo what im doing still... I was gonna wait till sunrise and go look for some shrooms, which I still may do if im awake by then, but I think I should try to get some sleep. I dont really want to , but theres not much else to do. Really, what the hell. This is why I miss Dave being on PEI, fuck it didnt matter what time it was He'd always be up. And willing to go for a nice little nature walk... Uhh, man I cant wait to see him again.
So I made an other promis 2night. Fuck. I dont make promises, damnit its just something I dont do. But she is the only one who can make me do anything... And it was a promis I did not want to make, but really, I couldnt say no. Especially not to her. but hey, it'll definetly help me out, Now theres no way I can do it. Only she knows what Im talking about, and im glad.... Anyway, yeah, its really time to sleep, so I guess till 2morow, L8a Days... 4:57AM

what a night.....

Wow... Well, where do I start?... Well, Laura came over 2night... and what a convorsation we had...No, ya know what, some things are just better left alone, and I really dont think anyone has any business in our personal lives. So lets just say, theres no god damn way I will forget Laura in my lifetime. Not only has she saved my life, but she made me want to go on, and im if your reading this now, you've seen that theres been some rough times, and shes been there through them all. . . .
And now look what im doing to her...Im soo sorry Laura....

last night,, I dont know

lol, I just tried to reread what I wrote last night, and I guess I was pretty damn wasted. lol, anyway I dont even really wanna try to recap, all that really happened was I drank only 7 beers, in like an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours. ANyway, I guess I told Adam my life story, I dunno exactly what I said, but he laughed about it this morning and said that I explained to him how Lions would rules this earth better then us humans. Anyway Im pretty sure I also spilled my life story to him too, so in a grand total I prolly told like 10-15 ppl. And I promised to myself that i'd never tell anyone, lol. Fuck... Ah well, I guess theres nothing I can do now, so fuck it, I may be a skitzo suicidal freak, but if you cant handle that, im sorry, but thats who I am so if ya dont like it, you dont have to talk to me. Thats that...
Yup, so Dave was online, and I told him that I'll be seeing him in a month or so, depending on my cash flow, and he was more excitted then I've heard him in a while. Its kinda funny cuz he was just saying how he wouldnt think anything of it if I didnt show, or if I decided not to go and all that, but he really doesnt know how much I need to leave this place. Anyway, im kinda tired and dont really feel like geting into it, plus I gotta have a shower, so till the next time, l8a days....

Honestly, I may j4 r5unk as fuck...

But... Man I htink I may be making som e rrelly gogod enince, Like, what hte fuck, I'be been tlaking to Aam for prolly 5h past 2 horts, maybe more, aout how theres not a od damn thin gyou can do in life that iwill matter, cuz eventuelly, nothing matters, cuz etberes no t a good dan thin you vcsn do that will make a differenece in rthis rold e becahuse everyinh you do will indiretly hsbrr snf rggrv y on ehsy you'br fonr, snf ig you fyou frvif noyy yo ftink, ot ftink, i'll msfr dutr yhsy rbrtyonr eill nr on yout difr, erll guvk iyt, zi lik rehn pplstrny on myh difr nrvsudr hysyy msakes mr decid ehat there will be no plave in life forf me, to whivh threre wount/houdl be, so ooo... here I am at 3:53 AM on saturday night, fuck ths shit im oioing the ruk to bed, l8a ays, i msleeping cva,l me o p0nrly ehrn dhy liytds yh4r fan, an d I dont know wny, l98a daysl

Fuck Everything

Ok,so its now 2:49 AM, I jus ttalke to Adam forf proly the last 2 hours,and I dont htink I got through to him, I told him all abut thers no god damn point to anyhtin in life because everyint leeasds to oine thing, and that onle thing is nohting ,really, what thse point of life, mostly its to pass on your species and make thise whole "galasy, or lplanet what ever ytou wanna call it, one dominANT speciesds, and what sthe point of that? NOTHINT, Eve ntuelly when therss nothing left but one species, it will tkae over itssellf, and when that hppanes, tnohing withlll happn, so w2hat was the point? Nohting, Fuk,c [ppl havr to bee soo gpod damn stupid not to ose that th4eres no point to anything!!!! fuck, anyway, if Adamn could only explain howI just explained taht, it would be great, c uz it took oever 3 hours to explain to him, and hes st9lll doesnt de the trus thtat theres nopoint o anythint!! really, what the fuk, thers no god damn poin to livein, dieying, passing one your race, passing on your knolege, NOTYING, theres no god dman point, cuz when you die, and th-ppl you've toughtg die, what do you have? Old meemories, or old points, THeres no god damn point to anythingg... Ahh fuck, I've had 6 maybe \7 nbeers, and a;l I can do is thinlk how happy i'll ve when I leave this god damn island and get the fuck off thiw rock, wqell fuck it, thers no god dman point to it, so why botyer? cuz it'll make my life easyer? well wy not end it now and say fuckit? relal? I doin know the point pof life, but Inow the point lificinving/ its to reproduce and helop the reace evolve... Why tyho? what te fuk is the point? I trie dto tell Adam, whsay the fuk is the pooint of life? and hecouldnt tell me, and I cusre as fufk csant think o f anyting, sore ally whats the poin of life,? if someponne can tell me, please do, I really want to know, anyway, i too fuckked upfright now, and im gonna have a showre so fuck life, fucke you wal,a nd fuck ecverythintg, l8a days...s