Tuesday, August 30, 2005

No, I'm not OfuckingK!!!!

For fuck sakes, I dont know what the fuck to do, God damnit , this is soo fucking frustrating!!! Everyone is being all fucking... uh goddamnit I dont know what htey're doing, but its fucking annoying, and everyone is on my fucking back!,FUCK OFF!!! Jesus, I have too much shit on my fucking plate right now, for fuck sakes give some god damn time to think!!!. Uhh, but no, if its not Laura asking me whats wrong, its fucking Adamn wanting to knwo when Im gonna move my shit in, or my fucking parents calling me asking me to come over or some shit, just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! god damnit, this choice is getting easyer by the day, fuck, theres not fucking way I can stay here with all this mother fuckign bullshit day after day. I dont even know what I want anymore, uhh, I dont want to say anything right now because I know i'll regret it, but fuck, sometimes I really have to wonder whats going on...If only I could fucking see into the future and see what the fuck im supposed to do. Fuck, I talked wiht someone from work 2day and explained to her my story, and she really opened my eyes: What if in November after that scafold corse starts Laura leaves me. Then what? I'll be here on PEI, doing absoluely fucking nothing!! making no fucking money, hating every god damn second of it!!!?? So far theres really no point in me staying here, thers soo much more for me out there, and the only thing keeping me here is Laura, she tells me she likes me and we will be 2gether for a long time, but fuck, things change way too fast, and for some reason I really dont have a good feeling about this whole thing, theres something telling me to go, that she is going to leave me, and I dont know why!?Like what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Logically I know I should go, but for some fucking reason I cant. OHH GOD DAMNIT!!!!, fuck this shit, I need to fucking smoke.

I have no clue...

OK, Jesus, where do I begin?
So I have to move out in 2 days, well 2morrow if you wan to get technical because its 1:31AM, but yeah, so I have to move back to Cornwall, BUT WAIT!!!, not to my parents place, a friends place just across from the Dutch In. So yeah, thats where I'll be for the next 2 months!, Or I could , now heres the big big fucking disicion I have to make, and I dont know what im gonna do, I could either
-Go with Barett and Weeks to Alberta, meet up wthi Dave, either stay wiht Dave and maybe Barett, or go with Chris even farther out to B.C, anyway, both of those would be cool, but in November I hear there is this 5 year contract on putting up and taking down Scafolds for buildings that they make. It pays like a mofo, but I guess its dangerous as fuck, anyway, I can handle some hights, and if I have some kidna of restraint, I'd be fine!, Anyway, thats one choice of going to Alberta, either with barett in September sometime, or After the 2 months are up wiht Adam, and I'll no where to go so I'll just have money saved to go to Alberta. But,,,, this is where the other Key disicion lies....
- I can't leave Laura.....
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like, what the fuck, its just not right. But I really dont knowwhat I want ot wiht my life, and if I take this stupid 5 year thing doing the Scafold, what the fuck am I gonna do after that? Do it again for an other 5 years? itwould be good money, but fuck. Uhh, but yeah, back to can't leaving Laura, Uhh, I'd be ok if I knew I'd be back in like a couple months, but .....I don't think I'd come back, Im sorry to her, but I could not come back, its not her, its just that if I left, I wouldnt come back till I really made something of myself, something I had to show for disapearing for soo long. Thats what I would do, I wouldnt tell anyone I was leaving, and just go, leave my shit where ever, dont leave a not, nothing. But Laura... I swear shes the only thing keeping me sane and straight right now, and I know if I left her that I would just be totally too fucked up all the time.... Uhh see what I mean, I need her soo much, thats why I can't fucking leave!!!!, uhhh I hate this, but I know its gonna be a last minute disicion when it has to happen!....fuck. well, im kinda reallystoned, but Im glad I got to write all this stuff down so I can read it 2morrow and see what I was thinking now, But im pretty sure those are all my choices so, Im wicked!, lol l8a days......
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I am so lonely, :P, what the fuck, its from Team America, fuck , it was fucking funny ok. fine,
l8a days

Monday, August 29, 2005

What a night....

OK... Well, our last big party(sorta, we have one last one wednesday) happnend last night, and man was there ever a fuckload of ppl there!!!!, The house was totally trashed 2day but i'll get to that later. So we started drinking early, I have no idea what time it was I just drank and drank and drank. The wine was gone before 12 which totally blew my mind, like what the fuck!? that was a shitload of wine man!!!! Anyway, I had prolly a dozen or so cups of wine, 7 cold shots, a few other drinks that Evan and others gave me, so I was well off/way too drunk to remember much, but heres the main highlights(well they must be highlights if I remembered them)
- Finally cleared up everything between Laura and I which was great cuz I was getting worried, turns out we really just need to have some alone time, and she needed it, cool cool.
- Uhh, Pat and Jamison came over and drank with me and ended up passing out on my floor which was wicked!!! so I talked to them for a while, straightened everything out with them and stuff so we're all good.
- I JUMPED THROUGH THE DOOR!@!!!! it was crazy and I really shouldnt of tried but it happened. Kevin said it would be cool if someone could jump through there, and as drunk as I was I thought it was the most fantastic idea ever!!!1 so I tried, and got it first try!!!1 it was sweet, a nice little dive roll out of the house, clear the step and everything, I guess ppl thought it was something cool, but I didnt think it was that cool, just a good idea. anyway......
- Barett and I had a talk!!!! Im glad he told me the things he did, I really think I needed to hear some of it cuz man, its been just him and I all summer, hes been my closest friend all summer, and a great roomate, Hes helped me out soo much this summer with all those stupid little things that you need help with and im glad I was with him this summer, I dont htink it would have been the same with out him. Then we started talking pretty deep bout lots of different things like, Laura and Morgan, Mostly talked bout Laura which was cool cuz he finally told me his full honest opinion of her, wasnt quite what I was expecting, but nothing too surprising, wierd enough we think a lot alike.... lol, nope not getting into any details. Then we started talkin bout Dave and how much we miss him, then he told me how I wasnt just Daves little brother, I was acutelly Matt, which meant alot to me cuz I know that everyone sees me as Matty, Daves little brother, as much as they all say im my own person, to them I know im still Daves little shadow, but anyway... Then he told me stuff I really didnt know, like how much he respected me even though I've told him all my deep secrets bout my wrist and shit, which was also good to know/hear. Anyway, this is long enough speel bout Barett, he also told me that we're gonna have to have some good talks before we move out, which I really hope happens, I have wednesday off so I'll see if he'll wanna talk all tuesday night, hopefully i'llhave some weed for then. But yeah, thats that.
- Uhh lets see what else happened,.,,, Jarod came over!!! I dont really remember seeing or talking to him much, but I do remember that Jarod, Jamison, Pat and I all smoked a Joint for old times sake, and Im pretty sure it was awsome!!!!
-Uhh, Oh yeah, I talked with Kevin and Mitch, and Scotto and Craig, and I guess they all said I can crash at their places when ever, I told them that I was moving back to cornwall so I might stay in town for like 2 days in a row, then go home, then come back kinda thing, I dunno we'll see how it works out.
- I guess thats pretty much it, oh yeah, fuck what a rough sleep, I must of woken up like 4-5 times and ran upstairs to puke, brush my teeth, then come back down and try to sleep, but Im pretty sure I woke up Laura every time, fuck I felt like an idiot, I shouldnt of asked her to stay last night, she prolly didnt get any sleep, Uh, I just really wanted to fall asleep holding her again, for one last time in this house, but I screwed that up, anyway, im sure we'll have more times 2gether. So yeah I guess thats pretty much it, my night was kinda crazy, and hazy, but I guess it was a good time. Lol, work was a bitch 2day, and I had to close but its all good, im just waiting for a phone call to get some pot and then im gonna head to bed, So till 2morrow, l8a days....

Saturday, August 27, 2005

A bad day, gone worse, now ok...

Well, I woke up this morning kinda upset, of last night and all, I didnt really describe that too well but you get the just of it. But yeah, she kidna noticed that I wastn talkign to her all day and stuff, so near the end of the night she comes up to me and says shes leaving and asks what im doing 2night, of corse I say nothign, cuz thats what I do every night, and she says shes doing the same and for me to call her when I get off work. So after I have to fucking close work, I called her as I was walking out into the parking lot, it takes like 4-5 rings then she answers and I was her what shes up to and she says "sitting in a car with 2 friends".... sitting in a car with 2 friends? do these friends have names? anyway, I was kinda really mad from a long shitty day so I wasnt really in the mood to even try to talk so I ended the call as fast as I could then skated home hoping to fuck someone would try to pick a fight wiht me, god I felt like beating the fuck out of something, I was just in the mood to freak out, I dunno what it was but anyway,,, fuck it... But anyway after all that shit of a day happened, Jamison and Pat came over!!! I kidna half caught up whti them, and squared some shit off, I guess they have wanted to talk to me and stuff but,,, we'll fin dout soon enough when I move into Adams in cornwall. Speeking of, Pats gonna call this supposedly really nice place and ask if we can have it to rent, supposedly its a sweet duplex and stuff, and I told him if he could for sure get it and find out everything blah blah blah that i'd blow off James for his place, (James and I have a place booked for November). So yeah im kinda hoping that Pat gets thi splace, cuz I'd really like to move in and get back with those guys. But anyway due time will tell, plus i'll be in Adams place for a bit too so.... yeah ,till then L8a Days.

Friday, August 26, 2005

lost my fucking wallet again...

Yeah its true, But its got to be in here somewere, I used the key from it to open my door, so I had it very recently, ahhh well, it'll turn up. But yeah anyway, on to the real reason why im kinda upset, So I got off work 2day kinda bummed out, for a couple of reasons but anyway,,,, I smoked a couple bouls and stuff to make me feel better, and it wasnt really working till Laura called, and said she was comin over cuz she couldnt get ahold of Allyson. So she comes over and we come down to my room and start talking. WE talk for a bit then i say how happy I am to see her and stuff becuase its been a while, and yesturday I had a little cold and stuff, and how 2night was soo cool cuz I finally got to see just her while we were both unsick, then right after I tell her that, she calls Allyson and ends up going over. Like whats that all about? yeah she hasnt seen Allyson for a while and stuff, but after the talk we had the other day, and not being really with each other for a good while, I figured shed want to be with me for a bit anyway, but I guess not. uhh, fuck, what a shitty fucking day, ah fuck it, I need to go to bed, need some sleep for work 2morrow, lets see how that goes, fuck l8a days.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Back from Hali

So I got back from halifax 2day. it was an interesting drive home with my sister, her friend, my aunt, and both of my rents. They mostly talked to sara and asked a hole bunch of questions bout her trip and all that so I got spared most of the talking. But when I got home, wow, thats where my day really got interesting... Laura came over, and we talked for a good while. Now we usuallly talk alot, but as of lately we havent really had time , and I dunno, we just havent really hung around each other for a while, infact I cant remember really the last time we were 2gether just her and I(if ya know what I mean). But yeah we covered lots of grownd 2night, talked bout her stay at her sisters place, and all the stuff they talked about there, that was pretty cool, then we got into Love, and how ppl use it too loosly these days, Damnit, love is a very strong and emotional word, its not to be taken lightly, its serious shit right there. Anyway, we talked bout some other stuff too, it was an all around good night. But anyway, Morgans talking to me, so I should prolly get to her, anyways, l8a days....

Monday, August 22, 2005

Im in halifax...

its now 1:17 PM, I woke up this morning around 10ish in my brother Tony's apartment, things are kinda sketchy right now, but I do know that I some how got off work really early yesturday so I could get a ride up here with Laura and Steph. It was a pretty long trip,( I must say no one drives to halifax as fast as Dave did)but we got here fine, we went to Lauras sisters place(Aaron) chilled there for a sec till my brother came and picked me up. Now Tonys at work, and Amy(Tonys girlfriend) is moving her stuff to her parents house cuz they're both moving out of this apartment in a few days. So yeah, I dont really know what Tony and I have planned for the day, except we wanna go see this Imax movie Tone saw the 0ther day, I guess its pretty good.

uhh, my goddamn throat, it hurts soo damn bad, I think I've recovered from mostly all the sickness I had except the throat, its soo soo sore. every tiem I swallow it feels like im swollowing a handfull of tacks. Not fun, but anyway....

Uhh fuck, now im talking to kayla and shes talking about jamison and pat, what the fuck happened to those guys, fuck, we had such high hopes and good plans, now look at them, for fuck sakes, I've had maybe 4 phone calls from them all fucking summer, I havent seen, or communicated in any way with pat for all Augest, like what the fuck? Did they just forget about me? or are they ignoring me? or do they really just want me to leave them the fuck alone? Since they're not gonna talk to me, I guess I'll just have to presume that they dont want to speek to me anymore, so fuck them, I tried many times through the summer to get them out, and Pat only came over once, and thats just cuz him and jamison were out of weed, lousy mother fuckers, only come crawling back when they need something. Well all I can say to them is fuck off, im not for sale you greedy mother fuckers. God damnit, its too god damn hot in this place, I need some fucking air. l8a days...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

sick

Yup, I finally cracked 2day, I had to call in work and say I couldnt come in, fuck I felt like shit this mroning, holy crap, like wow, I cant remember the last time I've felt soo shittty, anyway, i'll brb, Barett and I are gonna brew some tokes, maybe that'll make me feel better....
Back, Ok, its now 6:56, I started this a while back, it was like 4:30, lol, well Barett and I did those tokes then we watched TV for a while, and discussedblack holes and galaxy's and universes, it was prety interesting, anyway, after that we went upstairs and Barett played some Fable, it looks like one crazy ass game, but fuck it looks way to complicated, anyway, now im back here in my room, feeling alot better then I did earlyer. I think those tokes made me feel alot better, altho it feels like im on a constant rollercoaster:P, fuck my head has been spinning since like 3 AM this morning when I woke up the first time, I couldnt sleep all fucking day, it was wierd, yeah, but anyway, fuck I hope Joeys not too pissed bout me callin in sick 2day, I just hope I feel good enough to go 2morrow, but yeah, if I dont go to halifax with Laura and Steph on monday, I might see if I can get my tatto, thats if I have enough money, infact im prolly not gonna get that, nevermind, but yeah Rob found this kool apartment on Burns ave, which is sweet cuz its pretty close to work, prolly like1-2 mins longer then the walk I have now, plus it looks like a pretty sweet place, prety cheap, laundry, shit like that, anyway, I hope we get it, we'll find out monday,but yeah I should be able to find something sometime, anyway, im gonna try to redraw my tattoo for the final copy, so till next time, l8a days..

Thursday, August 18, 2005

uhhhhh god damn work

Holy fuck, its only day 2 of my 5 days in a row of 12 hour shifts, but im fucking dead now, fuck im soo fucking tired, and I think Im sick, or starting to get sick, so its not a good combination. Anyway, so yeah, Morgans gone in like 3 days.... FUCK!!! Morgan was cool, well still is I guess but shes gonna be gone till prolly next summer, uh, fuck I hate change,lol, I wish that I could stay here, and this summer wouldnt end, too much shit is getting fucked up, Morgans going, im getting kicked out of this place in 13 days, and so far I have no were to go, Oh god I cant go back to my parents house, No fucking way!!!! but jesus, I need to find somewere soon, I hope Rob finds a place, he said he'll move out iwth me cuz he needs a room mate, so I hope to fuck he finds a place, for both of our sakes. Anyway, I gotta have a shower, then do my laundry, then go right the fuck to bed, l8a days...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

ahh shit, I dont know where im going now...

Ok as Gay as this sounds, your going to have to fallow the little instructions I have for this blog entry, Dont ask why, im just retarted and kinda spaced out solid half way through a really important part, and I had to keep going, so anyway, thats the long story short, just read it in the fallowing manner...
- Read Blue first
- Read Red Second
- Read Green Third


Well, its now 2:04AM on Wednesday Augest 17th, im sitting in my room alone smoking a boul to my self ofcorse. Laura left like 10-15 mins ago, we watched Sin City 2night, i've seen it before, but its still a good movie, But yeah im kinda glad we just chillled and watched a movie 2night, it was good to get away from the hardcore parrttying, if thats what you can call it, that Chris and Kenny have been puttin me through for the past 2 days... Man those guys are crazy, We started drinkin at around 4PM on monday, no big deal, i've drank all day before, but nothign like this... We started drinking at my place,(well cracked a few open then took them to the car) then we drove around town for a minut doing small running around shit, till we decide to head out to Kenny's. So we finish around 2 or so by the time we get to Kennys. We chill there for a good hour or more, have like 4-5 beers, 3 joints, and a few bouls, so by the time we leave there and start heading out towards Chriss, I was pretty fucked up, they werent that bad, well Kenny wasnt that bad, he was driving, but Chris wow, he was pretty tanked(Did I forget to mention he also pollished off a quart of Jack Daniels while we were at Kenny's.) So we finally get to Chris's place(WOW, fenominal place man, crazy view, soo quiet and peaceful, anywya I really enjoyed it) and dicked around there for around half an hour while Chris showered and shit. Then it was back to Charlottetown, where I kinda half crashed for a min or 2 till everyoen started callin me for stuff, fuck I had soo many phonecalles yesturday, I dunno what all happened, but I went to the Exhibition to watch 1 ride then Kenny and I got bored so we left. Which I kinda felt shitty for considering Laura kinda wanted to be there and I just kinda ditched her, Ah well, I blammed it on me drinking and smoking soo much all day, which was kinda true, but one sad ass excuse, especially considering I always some how for some reason end up not doing things with Laura.
-uhh, that pisses me off soo bad, I always say stuff like I wanna do anything and everythign I can for her, but I always manage to do stupid shit like that and never do it for her. Fuck, someday (hopefully soon) I really do have to surprise her with something great that she'll love. ah anyway, back on track
So yeah after Kenny and I left we went back to my place to drink a bit more and smoke more while waiting for who ever to come over. Eventuelly Laura came back and I had a nice long long talk with her. Which was cool, because I got to tell her pretty much all else I had to tell her, just stuff bout my wrist and Emily, and their connection and shit,,, but it was only cool for so long... Let me explain; Well, see I wanna kinda take everythign to the next level with Laura, but I cant really see how I can do so
- here is where im cutting in ,uhhh, shit, I totally lost track of mind there, I acidently talked to Evan for like 15 mins.... let me come back to this later...

OK, thinking.... Like I know this will sound kinda gay but fuck it what ever... if you really wanna go "to the next level" or what ever you wanna calll it, yougotta be deeper with each other, as lame as it sounds but ya know its true, anyway, I tried to show her how much I trusted her and all that by telling her my whole story bout all the stupid and crazy shit thats happened... Anyway, she was really cool bout it and understood, well I think anyway, she listened more then said anything which was really cool cuz I really got to put it all out there. Anyway, thats pretty much all I have to say about that, I guess it wasnt as much as I thought it would be, but hey its out there now... anyway yeah thats it, so L8a Days,

oh fuck, I dont think I can do this ... oh wait, new subject...
I need to move out... ok So my buddy Rob from work is my last resort right now, but its pretty cool cuz he pretty much has us a place, all were waiting on is me to go and check it out to give it the full OK, ANyway, its more expensive then here which sucks cuz I know it wont be hafl as cool as this place but what ever, I need to live somewere. So i think I should be ok, and once I move there, and have shits goign well, I'll be saving some money hopefully because I'll hopefully be drinkin and smokin less if Im out of the house, plus I'll hopefuly be having fulltime steady shifts at work and I wanna do that Martial Arts thing with james from work, just get regular shit on the go so that way I can kinda get my shit on track, anyway, I know what I mean so whatever. Anyway, Im gonna tryto rethink what I was thinkin earlyer when I spaced out earlyer when iwas talking to Evan, ok, here goes....

Monday, August 15, 2005

I hope theres no limit here...

Holy crap, Me and Morgan are having this crazy convorsation, im gonna try to copy and past it all in here, I just hope it fits, cuz wow, were tlaking about everything... sec....


Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
atleast you know when it'll end, yourlucky for that, im scared every day that Lauras gonna just randomly say its over
...Morgo... says:
would you want to just know when its going to end
...Morgo... says:
it sucks, it feels lik eyou have nothing to do anything for
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
YES!!!
...Morgo... says:
it feels pointless
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
better then have it unexpected and a shock,
...Morgo... says:
at least your happy until that one point
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
atleast I could build up to taking care of my self, if Laura breaks up with me, i'll be so lost and confused for like a good couple weeks till I get on track
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I really do need her, I rely on her more then anything else right now
...Morgo... says:
I know you do, and I can assure you shes not going to braek up with you.. laura just gets in these moods
...Morgo... says:
and she gets outta them just as fast as she goes into them
...Morgo... says:
and she would have told me if something massivly was wrong, something bad like that
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I hope so, because I really think something is up this time
...Morgo... says:
ill talk to her
...Morgo... says:
im going to write her an email anyways
...Morgo... says:
ill just ask her if shes ok and stuff
...Morgo... says:
shell tell me
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
thanks Morgan, I dont know what i'll do when you leave, , just so you know, I think your really cool
...Morgo... says:
well you can talk to me on msn, and write me emails
...Morgo... says:
haha and when that fails I'll read your blog and leave a comment
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
thakns, its wierd knowing that Lauras the only one who reads my blogs
...Morgo... says:
oh i read it sometimes
...Morgo... says:
haha i know what the address is
...Morgo... says:
I have a good memory
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
nice
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I dunno tho morgan, I'm gonna be moving out on my own soon, and I dont think I'll be able to affor the internet right away, plus im thinking on moving somewere, anywere away by myself just to get away from everything, and if I do that, I prolly wont ever see or talk to you again,,,
...Morgo... says:
matt dont say things like that.. dont do the "ever agains"
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
or anyone for tha tmatter
...Morgo... says:
your not moving anywhere away from laura
...Morgo... says:
we both know that
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
no way, I've always wanted to start a new life
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
uhh, you dont understand....
...Morgo... says:
and whats going to be so different and great about it, you cant just run away from everything
...Morgo... says:
or forgeta bout it, its not that easy
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I know it wont be easy, thats why I hvae to do it
...Morgo... says:
no you have get through it yourself
...Morgo... says:
because you can
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
Im glad you understand, but really, I have to get going on my own, ppl have been taking care of me way too long
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
and moving away where I know no one is the only way to do it
...Morgo... says:
whos taking care of you now?
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
Laura, Barett, Chris, anyone and everyone, and I hate it
...Morgo... says:
they arent taking care of you, they're your friends
...Morgo... says:
people you need
...Morgo... says:
no one can do anything on their own
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
need
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I dont need help from anyone
...Morgo... says:
matt they arent helping you.. they're your friends
...Morgo... says:
how can you ever dream of having a life without friends like that
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
because eventuelly everyone leaves you
...Morgo... says:
no they do nt
...Morgo... says:
lauras been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and thats never going to change.. shes going to be standing next to me when I get married, and if she's still alive shes be standing next to my damn grave
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
your lucky then
...Morgo... says:
your real friends are never going to leave you
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I've lost my 3 best friends all in one month, I havent had a friend for longer then 2 years
...Morgo... says:
you havent lost them matt, you're giving up on them
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
giving up on them? I called them and left messages, and they never called back,
...Morgo... says:
one rough patch with them or a few isnt the end of them world
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
txt them, call them, e-mail, they never called back
...Morgo... says:
well maybe they feel like you left them
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
well then maybe I want to leave them,
...Morgo... says:
well do you really want that? you sound like you dont
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I dont need them, but I miss them soo much, I havent had any memorable time in the past 3 months, the only good memories I have, is with them, and now they're gone, its just kinda shitty when I look back and dont remember many fun times, but then I see pics of you and laura doing fun stuff, and makin all those memories and stuff, and I have nothing, its kinda depressing
...Morgo... says:
you have no memorably times from the last 3 months?
...Morgo... says:
are you kidding me
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
.... like?
...Morgo... says:
what do you call laura
...Morgo... says:
what do you call so many things
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
being free is just being able to do what you want when you want so everythign doesnt seem as crazy and spontaneou
...Morgo... says:
well nothing you did before was either
...Morgo... says:
its still all the same stuff matt
...Morgo... says:
you're just in a different environment
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I dunno, it just seem ssoo different, the whole crowd is different, its like im a differnt person in the group, the guys I used to hang aroudn with used to rely on me, and fallow me, it was kidna like I was one of the higher up ppl, but in this groupe im just matty, the yougnest, Daves yougner brother, , its just wierd from going soo high up, to the lowest
...Morgo... says:
but dont think of it like that, its not the lowest
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
but it is
...Morgo... says:
do you not think laura doesnt rely on you
...Morgo... says:
or me?
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
FUck no, she doesnt need me, what do I do for her anyway?
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
Im useless to her,
...Morgo... says:
I can tell you, most of the time I've spent with laura this summe ris the happiest I've ever seen her in my entire life.
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
thtas just cuz she hasnt seen you in 1 full year, shes happy to see you, so shes happy around you
...Morgo... says:
She does need you, laura need someone like you whos so incredible to her, she tells me all the time how you're so amazing to her, and say the nicest things, that make her feel so great because laura really never feel good about herself and you do that for her, you make her feel wanted
...Morgo... says:
no shes not, laura could half the time care less ifI'm around, we see enough of each othe, we can be separated for that long
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
well thats cool, but I still think that she really does not rely on me, nor need me,
...Morgo... says:
matt dont think that
...Morgo... says:
dont think that at all
...Morgo... says:
your so important to her
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I mean I do try to make her happy, but I really dotn know wha tto do, and I know shes oviously geting bored
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
how else do you explain her not having a good time the past like 4 times shes drank here, then she goes out for 1 night iwht a different crowd, the crowd from work, and gets royally trashed and has a blast?
...Morgo... says:
did she tell you herself she had a blast?
...Morgo... says:
laura just needs breaks
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
she said she had "soo much fun"
...Morgo... says:
we all do matt
...Morgo... says:
I cant be there all the time either
...Morgo... says:
but I always want to go back there
...Morgo... says:
and she does too
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
back where?
...Morgo... says:
back to you
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I hope so
...Morgo... says:
she will dont worry
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
Morgan, its not that I dont trust you, but I relaly just cant see it in Laura
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
she just seem slike too strong of a person to need someone like me
...Morgo... says:
matt
...Morgo... says:
laura is not a strong person
...Morgo... says:
shes one of the most insecure people I've ever met
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
then she puts on a good show, cuz she really seems it to me and acts it
...Morgo... says:
she hides it, she trys to come across strong
...Morgo... says:
ive known her for so long
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I dont htink I've ever got to her sensitive side then
...Morgo... says:
she barely ever shows it
...Morgo... says:
I've seen lauar cry I think once maybe twice in my life
Bebop - Drinkin by myself again.... says:
I wanna get into a really deep conversation with her sometime,

Anyway, thats really long enough, but it'll continue prolly. l8a days,

Realization?

Hmmm, well, Im kinda drunk, and stoned now:>, finally, I love getting high, anyway, yeah so I was thinking, and after looking at some pictures and pondering some conclusions, I've come to the theory that .... oh fukc, how do I say this, uhhhhmmmm, ok, .....fuck, I dunno, its like, You respect certain ppl for the way they are, its kinda like attitude, but not... I dunno hw to explain, but lets just say I dont think Im really what Lauras looking for, but I have things she likes... Id unno how to explain, fuck, It was soo clear like 4 mins ago, uhh, yeah, well, like I said, I really need to make things interesting with her, we dont do anything out of the ordinary, thats why I think she had such a good tim this weekend, getting drunk with the ppl from work instead of the same old stupid shit at my place, but waht can I do....? fuck, thats exactly what I was talkign about, shes prolly thinking that we'd go out a lot mroe if I was 19, fuck, I hate this shit!!!, god dammnit!!! I need to do something,,, but what the fuck!?!?!? ahh fuck, im getting to flustered, fuck!!!!!!!!

FUCKK!!!!, im fucked

Well shit, I just found out 2day that.... Mitch and Kevin found a room mate, Kenny cant be financially ready until atleast October, Jamison and Pat are fucking dumbfucks and wont be able to move out either, and even Rob from work found a place, so everyone that I was relying on to move out with are all taken, or not available, so, in 16 days, im either gonna be on the street, or hopefully a one bedroom place, which Im really thinking hard on, cuz it would be pretty damn cool tohave my own place. I've been lookign and I have 3 in mind, I might call them 2morrow, see what I can do, but yeah anyway,,, I dunno how things are really going right now, im very very confused about lots of things.... Like I really dunno whats going on with Laura and I. I think we kinda hugn out too much for a while there, cuz I think Laura had an awsome weekend this weekend, she went out with some ppl from work and shti, and finally drank, which is cool for her I guess, but yeah, I havent seen her outside of work since either thursday or friday, anyway,, I dunno, I guess im just lonely without her. Anyway, I have the next 2 days off, and I doubt she'll have any energy after shes been working all day, so I prolly wont see her till wednesday, ah well, I guess i'll see her when I see her.
Anyway, Barett and Morgan are upstairs watchign Butterfly Effect. I didnt want to intrude on anything so im just sitting here in my room, but Im soo fucking bored, why the fuck isnt Kenny here? ah, well, anyway, Im just gonna go drink my face off, atleast beer never turns me down, god damnit I cant wait till the 23rd, fuck I need weed!!!! but damnit I gotta prove that I can go till then, I dotn care how much it kills. anyway, back to drinkin, so l8a days....

Saturday, August 13, 2005

well, Salvia... holy shit

What a fucking fucked up night, well just read the like past 3 blogs:P, but shit really started to get crazy when I finally went to sleep at around , oh fuck I really dont know, lets say 2:30ish? Anyway, I was soo fucking drunk and stoned by that time that I just passed out, then I heard someone laughing so I looked up and Josh L and Jarod were in my room, and they were all like "Man, wake up were gonna do some Salvia, come on, you cant sleep" shit like that, so I was like "Uhhh, guys im pretty fucking stoned and drunk right now" but they wouldnt refuse, so they packed a fresh new boul of Salvia(20X to which they didnt fuckign tell me, lol, what a strong dose for the first time, anyway...) SO being the big shot that I try to be, I smoked the whole fucking boul in one huge hall, they were like "man pass that bong quick, before it hits you and you spillit all over your bed" I was just thinking to myself at that exact moment that theres no way somethign can be that strong, that quickly, but I was rong.... I thought I could handle anything(Which I think I could have handeled that better if I wasnt half asleep, drunk as fuck, and stoned to shit, but hey.. we'll see next time) but anyway, I think I passed the boul to josh, or he took it, either way I just fell right the fuck over and tripped out, I cant really remember much of anything cuz I was too fucked up on other things, but what I do remember was the 2 opposite walls were connected like a big cylender, its hard to explain on here, but lets say instead of there being corners between the walls and the ceiling, there was just a round huge cylender, after taht I think I kinda freaked out and tried to run upstairs, thats when I just remember waking up at 5:30 upstairs to those fuckers laughing their asses off for some reason, I think they were more laughy fucked upthen me, cuz I couldnt speak, I was just kinda watchign them and listening, nothing was really making sence, but it was kinda kool, Anyway, I went to bed after that, and the strangest of all things happened when i woke up. I was still feeling really fucking wierd from that salvia shit, but I woke up and looked at my phone , and right when I turned the light on the phone on to see the time, it went from 8:59 to 9:00 and my alarm went off as the phone was in my hand, kinda creeped the shit out of me, but hey, shit like that just happens. There are no coincidences,,, no fate, just what happens happens... And thats pretty much it, now im gonna sleep a bit before I gotta go back to work. l8a days...

Yup, its only 1:45AM

well, yeah, it is only 145 am, I am kidna fucked, only like 5=-6 beers out of me, but iwhH \jOEFn NS VEWRWWRR aARE IN baretts room, they left me like 10 16=14 mins ago, they're pro,llly just doign what ever in his room, I dont care, im durnk enough to listen to my slipknot video, wchish rcoked!!!!! man its awsoem on my sterio, fuck man, I listen to that video every day, and I never get tired of it, fuck he drums fast!!!! anyay I listened to that v ideo and screamed my heart out for every beath, but yeah Jarod should be her ein around 24 mins, I cant ait, hopefully eh'll wannt get drunk and stoend, I just hpe Chris gets h9ome soon so I can smoke hyis weed with me and Jarod, htat'll be kool, hopefuilly jarid swwill smoke, but yeah, Ishould go, since I dont thin this is makgin much succnece, I'll catch ya later, L8a DAYS,

12:52 Am...

Well, were (Me, Barett, and Morgan) are just chillin in my ro om, im kinda stoned/drunk, but I think they're pretty straight, anyway, we're just chillin here in my room, I dunno what exactly what were doing, but hey, its kool.
Anyway, I dont really have anything to repport, but wree just chillin here, im trying to get stuff out of morgan, but shes not saying much, just stuff I already knew, but yeah, I gotta find what makes Laura tick, I really wannna know something that she really likes so I can try to make her happy. I really want to find something that makes her go crazy, I dont care what it is, I wanna do it, anyway, i'll do my best, but anyway, I shoudl go cuz Mporgan is trying to talk to me, so I guess I should say later days, l8a days...

Friday, August 12, 2005

bored, drinking at home alone:P

Man im awsome!!! You know your really cool when you come home from work at 10:15 to an empty house and nothing but beer. So here I am, home alone on friday night drinkin by myself!!! Fuck yeah, no distractions.lol distractions. Anyway, well lets see, what did I do last night.... Pretty much nothing, got kinda drunk and really stoned, man we hot boxed the closet sooo goodly last night, fuck there was like 8 of us jammed into that small closet with the doory tacked shut with a blanket, and it was boxed!!! we only had 2 joints and 2 bouls between all of us, but it was soo hot and such a small place that we all got pretty damn stoned. it was kool, and something to do. I was bored as fuck last night, everyone was over, but we were all just watching TV, its only fun for soo long, and I know Lauras getting bored with it too, but I really dont know/cant think of anything for us to do, like really, what can we do just randomly, as somethign interesting to do? I suggested the beach, but I guess she didnt feel like it, so thats kool, but I really have no ideas, im gonna have to brainstorm about this 2night. But yeah, work 2day wasnt bad, expect they woke me up this mornign and told me to get my ass in there ASAP cuz the order was there and Suzanne was swamped with orders, and of corse when I got there, it was just her , and she had like 4-5-6 slips up, and busy as fuck, so I didnt even change or clock in, just went straight to writting the order down and putting it away, I got there at around 9:10, and I didnt get it all done and put away till around 11ish, when everyone else finally got there. Anyway, yeah, thats pretty much it, im just fucking bored as fuck, hopin to shit that someone will show up 2night, just as an in case thing, im gonna get a good buzz on for when/if they get here,lol, anyways, l8a days....

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Just on break from work.

Well its 3:26 PM, Im on break from work, I got off work at around 2ish, I came home, had 1 beer, played some Devil May Cry 3, then brewed 3 resin hoots, and talked to some ppl on MSN, its been a productive little time here, fuck yeah, im pretty buzzed, cant wait to go back to work in a bit. Ah well, its all good, fuck, I was gonna write about something, I specifically came on here to write something, but I cant remember what it is...ahh fuck it, i'll write on this later 2day prolly, l8a days...

I may have a sleeping disorder...

I dont know what it is, but I've been having some troubles sleepign lately. Its wierd and doesnt quite make sence.... See, when I have to go to bed, I cant, I can not sleep, I'll lay awake for hours in my bed, and then when I end up falling asleep, I get like 2-4 hours sleep before I wake up again. Most of the time I have to get up for work, but I still manage to function, not very well, but no matter how tired I am, even after like 10-14 hour shifts, I cant fucking sleep. Although smoking a joint or bowl really helps on how fast I fall asleep, I have a harder time getting up in the morning. It helps me get more sleep, but I have a shittyer wake up, which means a shittyer day, which means even harder to fall asleep... Uhh, anyway, maybe if I ever crack down and pussy out and finally go to a doctor and they find out all the crazy shit I have, they'lll put me in a mental hospital or something, that'd be cool. LOL, dont get me started on that, fuck, I really hope I dont get into any accidents soon, cuz if I have to go to the hospital and they have to take blood or something, they're gonna find soo many fucked up shit wiht me:P, then they'll start asking me questions and finding out how mentally fucked up I am. lol, fuck that's not gonna be good at all. anyway, I wont crack and go to that fucking place anyway, so I have nothign to worry bout. Anyway, on to other things....
So yeah, Im gonna call Customs 2morrow, see if I can arange an apointment for thrusday, fuck, I have a lot planned for thursday... Ok, lets see whats going on thursday: Waking up at around 10ish so I can go to my old house in cornwall, and try to explain to my mom who I really am, and what shes missed all these years... uhh, I really dont know how this is gonna go, cuz theres soo much shit I wanna tell her, fuck, I wanna tell her like everything, uhh, i'd like to explain on here, but I dont know who all will read this, and if they know how fucked up I really am.lol for safety sakes, lets just say theyrs lots mom and I will be talking about... So yeah, I have that planned for a good 3 or so hours, I'd like to talk to her for a good long time, then I wanna hopefully get my tattoo done at around 4ish, then hopefully i'll be done that around 6ish so I'll be able to go do something with Laura, hopefully just her and I somewere, I really need to do something for her,she really deserves it, we havent really done anything outside of the house in a while, except the drive in 2night but thats pretty much it, I really neeed to think of places to go, things to do for us... anyway, it'll come to me, .... Then after Laura and I do our thing, hopefully she'll stay and get drunk wthi Adam, Alex, and I, lol yeah I told them i'd drink wtih them thursday night, so I guess I have a full day planned, fuck, Im supposed to enjoy my long ass days off with lots of sleep, HAHAHA, yes thats right sleep!!!, when I know I will have lots of it, I sleep right the fuck in. its wierd as hell, I dont even like it, I get like double the sleep I normally get, and I feel like shit all day cuz Im soo tired from oversleeping, make since of that, fuck. anyway, my sleeping condition is fucking fucked, I kninda wish I knew what it was, but i'd have to go to a doctor or somethign for that, plus I'd die if I heard that shit, imagine a doctor telling you that you had some fucking sleeping disorder that was like insomnia or something, like what hte fuck, thats when you know your clinically fucked, yeah... well... what ever, I think that I've thought too much 2night soo far. Im gonna make one more look for my wallet then sit in bed for hours, l8a days...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

what a wierd night/day,

Well, I went to work this morning totally straight, then around 11 I smoked a full joint to my self, then aroun 3-4ish I smoked an other one to myself so I was pretty fucked all day, and I managed to piss Laura off by not telling her bout saturday night, I know it was stupid, but I didnt think I needed to inform her of everything... but oh well, I learned my lesson, I just hate how she rubs it in at work, anyway, its all good... But yeah the night turned out relaly good, wow,,, first of all I drank alot and I thought Laura was mad at me, but turns out she comes down to my room and gets down right "friendly;)" wow, that was pretty fucking nice... I dont know how to explain it really, but all I can reallyl say is, wow, that was fucking fantastic!, :P but yeah, so that leaves me here, everyone just left, (jarod, Joey, and josh) and now im gonna go to be, get somtehing like 7 hours sleep, that should be nice, so yeah, till then, l8a days....

Monday, August 08, 2005

A Calm recap...

its 12:42 Am, on sunday the 7th of Auguest. Laura and Morgan just left Barett and I. we just watched a couple movies, anyway, 2day was a sweet day off, first one in a good 2 weeks i'd say, I started it off so well, with a joint, and now im finishing it off good, with an other joint. Uhhh, I think I may be addicted to pot, I love it too much. I'd smoke every minute if I could, thats why im kinda glad I dont have any good connections, or plants or anythign like that, i'd smoke constantly. But yeah, thats not why Im writting in this right now, i gotta recap what I did this wekend. So friday jarod got nice and stoned with me, well saturday night was no differnt... Well, I took a hit at around 9 when I was supposed to get off work, now these were yellow stars, and they were supposedly the "cleanest" ones ever, so says Kenny, and a few other e-tards:P. anyway, I dindt like them, I dindt get hyper, I got like really, braindead.... it was wierd, my senses were all fucked up, but my skin felt soo kool. Anyway, it was wierd, the whole time Jarod was , , , I dont know where, but he was getting drunk with one of our friends Hollye, who was at my place earlyer, but she is kinda wierd.
Wow, just lost train of thought, anyway, me and Kenny sat around waiting for Chris to come home till finally he did, we had a joint I think with him then we all started to burn out, so I decided to go to bed, and I didnt wake up till 3 oclock 2day:) . Smoked a J with Shawn, then did prety much fuck all all day. it was a good time, but yeah, it leaves me to here, where I finished my joint, im writting in this about how good life is right now, and I think im gonna get ready for bed, so heres to an other good night at the house, what little time I have left here... anyway, heres to it.......... L8a days..........

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I think Jarod is back!!!!!

Well last night Jarod came over here, and I convinced him to smoke with me, like old times,. and he agreed, and Ithink hne had a pretty good time. anyway, hes' on his way now, so I guess I sahould cut this realy short, bvut yea, I gotta write bout shit, remind me, I cant remember right now, but it'llhappen, illl rfemember it!!!. anyway, l8a days.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

need sleep....

WOw, im soo fucking tired right now, I think i've prolly had around 10 hours sleep inthe past like week, im soo fucking tired. And it doesnt help that I gotta work fucking 11-12 hour shifts every god damn day!!! fuck, I cant rmemeber my last day off, and my next one isnt till sunday. ah fuck, and every fucking night someone calls me or someones over or something, so I dont get to go to sleep. 2night of corse will be no exception, but I gotta sacrafise one more day for 2night, I havent seen or talked to Pat or Jamison in way too fucking long. Plus I gotta talk to them bout moving out, seein how I have to be out of here by the end of this month. Ah well, im fucking tired still, plus I gotta walk to Mitchs now and pick up my shit, anyways, i'll prolly talk on here later on 2ngiht, if not 2morrow, l8a days