Monday, September 17, 2007

Realizations.....

Ya know, sometimes I really think I'd be better off dead! I really do. I'm accomplishing nothing, and I'm on my way to do nothing for,, well a long time.... Like really, I don't know WHAT to do. It feels like this life in Edmonton is over.... It really does,... Everything I planned to do, and have done is gone.... I came here with J-Rod over a year ago to start new things,,, start a life, and to start establishing my own stuff, and really just getting my life on a good roll... and for a time things were good,,, even met a wicked girl, got pretty damn close, thought things were going somewhere,,, then everything just fell apart!!!! Full out man,, like royally just crashed!!@!! J-Rod left, I lost Teri... Where does that leave me? exactly where I started last year.... I guess it just feels like I'm stuck in a rut... And I can't seem to see an exit anywhere!!!?!?!!?Fuck man,,, my bro was talking last night about possibly going out to the camps up north till christmas, then saving the money he made up there, and buy a vehicle down here, and drive back to PEI for Christmas... and ya know, if he does that,,, I may just go with him.... It's just a question of whether or not I take all my stuff and don't come back or not...

Yo know, I've been sitting here thinking for the past say half an hour or so... and I just proposed a question to myself, that I cannot answer... and its really sad to think that... The question is "Whats the most important thing in your life?" .... ..... I'm fucking dumbstruck!. I really don't know what I have to live for, or what I want to do with my life... even if I had an idea of what I want to accomplish, or even something to try,,, maybe that would give me some bit of optimism....

I don't know, maybe I'm just over analyzing everything, and I should just forget everything thats happened, and I should just "enjoy life" how it is, and not plan anything, and just live for the moment day by day....
Uhhh, I don't know what to do,,, I'm gonna, go.

Work 2morrow....

Yup, so 2night is the last night of the weekend... Fuck.... I'm already not looking forward to work 2morrow... just because I know there won't be any work to do.... Fuck man, I wish I knew what to do.... my bro was talking about maybe going out to the camps... And really I think I could do that too.,.. but I just don't know how long I'd do them for,, and really I don't think I'd want to work up at a camp for say a month or 2, then come back to Inotec... I doubt they'd like or allow that.... So I gotta figure out something else...

Fuck man, sometimes I just wish I could forget everything thats happened to be in my life up to this point and time... like it would be so much easyer to live just not knowing any of the shit that I do now..... like, I just want to go somewere, and start absolutely fresh... with nothing, and no one... new life, new beginnings... But what? What to do....

For now,,, its sleep... L8a Days...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Lockdown weekend....

So this weekend we were on lockdown(No one comes over!!!) So 2day we cleaned the house like mad men,,, and I must say, I think we did pretty damn good.... Cleaned upstairs and down,, and even the garage... Ohh yeah, and we also took the pizza boxes out!!!! it was sweet, I had this wicked idea to stack the pizza boxes so we could just run and jump out of the house and land on them... so that was pretty sweet, can't wait to start the editing on that project.... And ohh yeah, J-Rod called me yesterday!!!! that was sweet!! although the poor guy isn't doing too well... I'm sure things will start looking up soon tho, and if not, he's always welcome back here....

So Anyway,,,as far as what I'm going to do in life... I'm still not sure... I think I'm going to ride out this place for a nice little while... see how things fair out for a little bit...see I really don't know what I'd like to do as far as either work, or extra corricular is concerned.... like I don't know if I wanna stay at inotec... and if I don't I'm going to need transport to where ever I go...so.... like I've been saying for the past really long time...

Lost track of time, and everything else, had to leave...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Wednesday Night/Thursday Morning...

So its 5:35AM,,, I worked till 3 AM last night.. then when I got home, B-Rad was up. so he and I watched Blades of Glory... Fuck dude that fucking movie was hilarious! Anyway, I should be getting a shower, but I fiugred I should write something.... I get paid 2morrow, that should be nice! I know it will prolly only be a little over a grand which is gonna suck, but whatever,, I think I may start to be getting some more work soon... everyone at work seems to be quitting... so it could maybe work out in my favor for a little while.... Like shit dude,,, Next to Pat, Danilo, and Paulie,, I've been in the spray booth the longest of the rest of the people there.. I was there before Cory, Wes, Cooper, Jasmine, Aaron, J-Rod(but hes gone now) so yeah man,,, and I think Pat may leave shortly,,, Danilo, ya never now.....

So I still haven't heard back from my buddy Patty C. I know he rarely checks his e-mail, but still I'm hoping to get something back soon... I'm just listening to some Pink Floydd right now... and man it brings me back.. Shit dude, I so wish I started this blog thing way back when i was in like Junior Hight or something... Fuck dude, I've had so many good times,,, I just wish I could remember them all... Like,,, most of the times I had at Pats place, in his basement, with J-Rod, and Jamison,,, shit man, we just mostly got baked and played video games, or... watched TV... i dunno really what we did, but shit dude, it was some of the best times in my life man...

So I've been thinking... After my phone call with Tony erlyer today.... I really don't know about the military... he's really bashing it into my head not to do it!!!ohh fuck dude, I don't know what to do... all I know is, I'm going to go have a shower right now... L8a Days...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

What the FUck?

Dude... I just wish I knew what the fuck to do....


Ya know... it could possibly be because I just sat on my ass for all 10 hours of my work shift 2night, or because I've been thinking non stop about it since it happened... but holy fuck man, I thought my life was going soo good up to around a week ago... Like,. everything was going fine and well, I thought I was getting my shit together,,,, and cleaning up, I thought I was on my way to doing something usefull!!!! Now look at me.. I'm fucking miserable, , , I've made atleast 2 other peoples lives miserable... I don't know what they're going to do,, or what I'm going to do..... I had a few "realizations" I guess you could call it, 2night at work.... I'll try to explain a few now... and pick holes through them to figure out whats good and whats not...

SO ... First things first.... before I actuelly decide to do anything, or anything like that,,, I must... MUST MUST!!! talk to Teri.... I don't know why,, but I have this really weird, unsettelling feeling that she's pregnent... and ya know what,,, as much of a mind job that would be, and how crazy my life would become after that... I'd almost prefer that just so I'd know what the fuck I should do with my life from then on... That would really make things less complicated... for if I knew that she was pregnent... my choice(s) would become so fucking easy!!!! But shit dude,,, its not that easy... I mean, right now , she doesn't even want to see me(which I understand,,, its just really hard right now...)... But anyway.... I'm kinda straying off topic right now.... So yeah,, thats #1 on my to do list... find out if Teri's prego'.... I don't know, I just have this weird weird weird feeling..... Anyway....
But yeah,,, I was thinking today at work... I could move back to PEI, in with my parents for a little while,,, (take a month or 2 off to relax and clear my head a bit) during this break period, I'd like to get into the gymnastics, and do that for a while... get in some good shape... Then I was thinking when I started to run out of money, or got too bored with it,, that I'd join the military.... This would be pretty much my only option of things to do on PEI,,, plus I'd only be getting started with the military on PEI, I'd have to move else were once I was in something,,, but I'd be ready for that by then./.... Anyway.,... Thats kinda just a plan I formulated today... and really,,, it doesn't sound that great,,, but shit dude, it sounds so much better then here.... Like,,, I'm convinced that I can't work at Inotec much longer... I really can't..... It's not so much the job, or the people.... its just not what I want to do for the rest of my life... Plain and simple,,, I just don't want to do it for life.... and thats what they want,,,, and I know I could easily do it,,, but I just don't want to... i don't know how to describe it,,, but its just not me,,its not my dream job.... I think there's something more out there in store for me.. I just need to find out what the fuck it is!~!!!!!

The only flaw in my "plan" is moving back in with my parents...... I just don't know about it... I know they've told me that I can anytime... and I know I could,,, but its just such a step back!!! I went from being totally taken care of by them,, to moved out on my own on PEI,, went totally solo, didn't need or ask for any of their help.... then I decided to move to Edmonton,to which I needed help, and they were there, but I only used the littlest bit that I needed... Then I lived out here in Edmonton for 6 months, to which I returned and lived with them,(knowing I was only going to be there for 4-5 months) then Moved back out here for 1 full year.... LIke its been 1 full year of totally being out here and away from them,, never asking or needing help from them.... and now this??? Begging to stay at their house for free for "a while till I figure things out?" I'm doing exactly what I told myself I'd never do again,, which is fall back on my parents when times get tough.... I've always told myself that I'd never do that, cuz I hate when other people do it to their parents,, its just so cowardly,, pathetic,,, I just don't like the thought of "pussying out in life" by crawling back to your parents.... I dunno, maybe I'm full of shit, but thats just my own opinion.... But as sad as that whole speel was,,, I think it's going to happen for me.... Fuck man, I just don't know what else to do... I'm convinced I don't like it in Edmonton... I need to have a forest close by,,, or be able to ride a bike.... It's not that I miss PEI,,, i just don't like Edmonton... Like, PEI is great because I know it, and I'm comfortable there....

Straying from topics.... Man,,,, I know this is all wrong.... everything is just wrong... my plan is wrong, my life is wrong, my decisions are wrong..... I don't think I should be passing up this "opertunity"(for a lack of a better word) with Teri.... She's too good to me and for me,to just give up... We make to much since together to just stop ... I think if nothing was to come out of our relationship,,, if we just decided to go our seperate ways from now on.... THAT WOULD BE A WASTE!!!! We've got so much together.... we get along, we make things work, Zoa and I are great.... Like, theres just no bad in it.... theres nothing bad about the whole thing.... except me. I'm the sole problem, cause, and reason for why things are the way they are,,, Seriously,,, It's only always been me holding myself back... I did it with Emily, with Laura,, and now with Teri... I should really just totally cut myself off from women... I'm no damn good for any of them... I always manage to fuck shit up, and make things worse for people.... I don't deserve to try to make things work with Teri... as much as I'd want them to,,, I couldn't do it,,, I'd find some way of fucking it up, and losing everything....

On another side note... I must look into EI... cuz if I could get unemployment from the time I quit Inotec, through to while I stay with my parents,, I could hopefully maybe get unemployment.... that' could be sweet for a little bit... Not sweet that I'll be using it, (because I think its royally fucking pathetic when people sit on their asses all the time and get paid for it!! fuck E.I. is soo fucking lame!!!) but that I'll be getting some income while I figure shit out, and hopefully train at a gym.... So yeah,, look into EI!!!!

Anyway,, i've ranted for long enough now.... I think' I'm going to go make some food, and have a shower... L8a Days...

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Starting New

Man, its just like starting all over again....this is just where I was a year prior to now.... except now,,, I don't have J-Rod with me... I'm alone..... I have the guys in the house, and my brother, ,, but man, shits just wierd now.... I don't know what it is,,, but Dave and I don't get along quite as good as we used to, ,, maybe its just the situation thats going on right now... but really, I just don't think we get each other any more..... I'm not going to get into the details or anything,, but lets just say, he's going back out with Daniel, after I told him countless times that its not a good idea... he's just going to be miserable for the next little while..... and it seriously sucks because I know he's going to drag me into it... But I think, that for the next little while, I'm going to try to be a ghost to this place... I want to start working either 5 or maybe even 6 days a week,.,, like Start going in on Fridays for a few hours, then maybe saturday mornings with Jake for a while if I can.... I'm going to have to learn a few more areas,,, but I think if I can do that, then I'll actuelly start putting in some good hours, and then I'll put in for my review... see how much of a raise I can get out of them... and depending on that,,, I'll deicde wether or not to stay here..... I may just move out on my own or something, a nice little 1 bedroom apt close to work or something.... I just feel like something needs to change..... Because I'm just plain and simply not happy with me...I feel like I have more potential.... Its like I'm finally realizing what everyone's been telling me for years and years now.... It's wierd had you realize things like that later in life.... Like, how many people have ever told you "Just focus in school, it'll pay off in the long run" seriously!!! its so fucking true, but no one listens to it!!! It's like,,, if only I listened to the people that mattered... Well, I think I'm going to call my parents sometime soon, and ask them what they think would be a good idea of something to do for a little while... You know, ya never really know, but I could realize in like 4-5-6 months that I want to be a father, and maybe I'd like to start a family.... I wonder..... think Teri would take be back if I really knew that, thats what I'd want to do? Could I convince myself,,, let alone her..... But for real man.... like,, What the fuck should I do for the next little bit??? I need to find something to believe in.... I've been saying it for quite some time now... but really its true,,, I just need something to take my full concentration and will to achieve... But what?.... You know.. The Military really could take me far... Just think of the kind of person I am... I'm super competitive... I think it would be for me... Like, I'd do my fucking best to make sure I was the best... Think they would notice that, and put me into special programs and stuff?? Because, I'm not one of those people to speak up to get what I want,,, I'm one of those people who hopes other people are watching closely enough to realize what I want and am working towards..... I just wonder if they'd see that? Uhh I wonder if I could do the military thing? I'm sure I could,,, I really think I could do it, and I could do it great!

Uhh,, So I'm smoking the last little bit of my weed right now... and I'm thinking maybe now I'm ready to quit.... I'd like to start working out a bit daily, and start stretching alot again.... that would be great... maybe even start running..... I just want to start feeling better... that would be great!!! I just need something to change!!!!!! I know I must have said that a million times by now,, but its true.... I really do....seriously, what should I do? Should I move back to PEI for a while??? Like, really what would that accomplish me tho??? what would I do there? yeah I'd like to take a little break from everything, and just go there to relax for a little bit... but then what? what would I do from there? I'd be broke with no job, or not a good paying job anyways.... at my parents place.... So, either I'd need to come back here to Edmonton for while... or save money before I go... but to do what?!?!?! GOD DAMNIT!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!??

I gotta find something.... L8a Days...

J-Rod's gone....

Yup, its official... We dropped J-Rod off at the airport 2night... he got on his first plane around an hour and a half ago....fuck man,,, he and I had a little chat before he left..... just told each other we were gonna miss each other,,, and he thanked me for bringing him out here in the first place,, which was really cool, cuz I was starting to feel bad because of all the shit thats happened,,, but he said it was all cool.... So that felt really good.... We talked about what we were both going to do... and we may see each other soon rather then later... I talked to him about possibly joining the military,, he said he was thinking about it too,,, so hopefully we could maybe do that together sometime.... I'm going to start saving some money now I think....... So yeah, man, I don't know whats going to happen in the next little while... I'd really like to figure it out soon,,, but we'll see how it all unfolds.... this may be good for me... I dunno,,....

Anyway, I'm gonna head out... till later... L8a Days..

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Wow....

Wow man,,,, fuck, what a wierd feeling I'm feeling right now... It just hit me whats going on right now...Man,,,, I've been up for the past 2-3 hours now,,, its now 7:25AM... Man,,, what the fuck is going on???? Like, its been 1 year and 2 days since J-Rod and I got here...And now he's leaving... its almost like me starting over again.... Like... Well, this has been fun, but now what?what the fuck do I do now? Teri's done with me...fuck.... it seems like everything that I've done in this past year means absolutly nothing.... What matters now? Teri and I had soo many good times together! Shit dude, just watching some of the videos on my computor is crazy!!! And just imagine all the moments we had that weren't on camera.... Fuck I'm going to miss her!!! Shit it just feels like I'm still just wasting time!?!?!!? Like, fuck dude, I want so bad to do this thing with Teri,,,, Fuck why can't I just man up and fucking do it!!!! I'm not doing anything else with my life.... like seriously!!! Why the fuck can't I just do it? I want to,,, But theres some small stupid part of me thats saying "wait, don't do this, if you do this you'll never be able to just up and do that ever you want..." Seriously I know it wouldn't be like that, I mean, yeah I would be tied down a bit in the sence that I'd have to live in one area for a long time, until we had enough money to move the family away... but it just seems like, if I were to do the family thing, I couldn't do "whatever" I wanted to... I know I don't do much, but the option is still there.... fuck I hate that,,,, its just like, I don't feel like I need to smoke weed when I have it... but when I don't have any at all, I crave it for some reason... Its just cuz when I have it,,, the possibility is there, so I don't crave it... but once I know I can't have it when ever I want... I get panicy, and scared.... so thats what I'm afraid will happen with Teri... I have the freedom to do what ever I want right now because I have no tie downs or anything,,, but if I were to start this family thing, I'd have to totally comitt to it and do it!!! and thats what I'm afraid of,,, losing that abuility to just leave the province when ever,,,

Anyway, I'm getting off of that subject for now..... Maybe its a good thing.... maybe this is a sign to start something new... It is the new start of the year... 1 full year since J-Rod and I moved here to start our life... Fuck dude... What to do now.... I just had a random thought of joining the military.... and ya know, I really think I'd like it, but I just don't do stuff well alone.... I don't know why,,,, like starting new things, I like to do it with other people,,, don't get me wrong,,, I love being by myself, and doing my own thing! but something like the military... I think I would just need that much more of a boost from another person to start...Ya know.... Now I couldn't convince my brother to do it... for some reason he doesn't want to... But I'm thinking maybe my good buddy Patty C!!! shit dude, he's in crazy shape now man... So yeah, I just finished writing him an e-mail.... Dude, I so wish I had any kind of videos with Pat in them... Fuck dude, I miss him so much man! He was probably one of my favorite friends... like over every good friend I've had,, man he was one that I was hoping to stick with for life... he's just a fucking wicked guy dude!!!fuck..... I should move back to PEI.....not just to escape from everything out here,, but to get in shape,,,, take some time away from working.... join some gymnastics... that could be awsome.... maybe decide to go to basic after a while on PEI... or after I run out of money.... Shit dude.,.. that could be a plan... I could just save here for a little while till I have enough money to take a few months off of work... then move to PEI for a while so I could get in shape, clear my mind and stuff... then join the military....
Uhh... I don't know what to do....

till later....
L8a Days...

Friday, September 07, 2007

Still confused....

So I called Teri 2day... God damnit I was soo nervous for some reason,,,,, but anyway, I hope she can come over 2morrow night.... although I have no idea what I'm going to say!!! I've been thinking all night at work, and ever since I've been home, and I'm still not sure what I'll say... Like... If we were to break up,,, I wouldn't want to stop seeing her all together... I'd still really want to be her friend,,, i'd like to see her every now and then... I don't want her to disappear out of my life... Man, I would really love to just move out with her, but not as the father figure,,, ya know..?? Like, if we doesn't move to Nanaimo, , and she does stay here, I'd like to live with her and Zoa!!!,,, I think it would be ok if we did it as "room mates" instead of "family",,, I know its unfair to ask, its just I'm not ready for that family thing yet,,, but I still want to be with her... and I really really want to help support her! She deserves better!!! Really she does, that's why I wanted to try to support her,, realy help her... But I can't help anyone,,, I always manage to fuck good things up.... I should just get a tattoo on my forehead.... STAY AWAY!,, IDIOT AT WORK!... LIke fuck dude, I always fuck everything up... and this was going really really fucking well too!!! I just don't know how everything went from being so fucking great, to us being broken up.... like, in 1 day... how? How can I fuck shit up that badly in 1 day? You know, she's always said that she doesn't deserve me... but wow, is she totally wrong,,, its the total opposite!!! I don't deserve a perfect woman like her... She's what every man would want... The perfect wife.... But why can't I take it??? Why the fuck can't I fulfill this role as father? I want to, I really do,,, and I've been thinking more and more on it,,, Like, I know I'll never do all these crazy things I've been thinking about for years (joing gymnastics, take the bronnikov thing, start some martial arts training...) I'll just never do them on my own... Atleast if I have a family, I'll be settled down, and can start building on what I want to accomplish,,, with full support and back up from my wicked wife, and family.... I don't know why I can't just settle on this, and do it!!! I so fucking want to!!! and Teri would be the most perfect to do that with... I just know it, we get along too well to fuck things up!!! I realy think if I could commit to this, we could definetly make it work!!! Uhh, I'm getting tired, and worked up... I'm heading to bed... L8a Days...

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

...

Man.... I don't even know where to start here... Like, so much has happened in such little time,... Well... ... ... ... .. Why is it so hard to commit to something?? Why is it that I always manage to fuck things up? ? I just wish I knew if I was ready for this or not?? I know I've been the asshole to tell her that I was... and fuck, I REALLY DID MEAN IT!!!! I was damn sure that I could, Everything was set, We even decided to go check out houses to rent... And I think thats pretty much when it hit me... It really really hit me... Just like., everything came flowing to me... Every little thing of what it would be like to live as "A Father" with a family, in a house and everything... Like , ,, I don't know why,,, I was so fucking sure that if I could get that, I'd fucking go for it and stick with it!!! and now... I'm shaking just thinking about it.... for some reason I'm so fucking scared to do it.... I know how bad of a person I am to do that to Teri, but I honestly did not plan this!! I did not want to do this to her,,and I'm so sorry,,, I just need some time to think.... I don't want to end it!!! I DO NOT WANT TO END THIS!I just need to think of what I need to do,,, and how to do it, and actually start doing it!!!! Fuck,... I don't know what the fuck to do! I even tried talking to my parents, (to which they tried, they really did try,, but man, they have no idea how to handle a situation that I'm in.... No idea!!!! but anyway, atleast they have some idea of whats going on in my life now....

I wrote all that last night, around 11:30PM,,, I had to stop because there was some ppl around, so... maybe I"ll finish this sometime when I know what to do...