What the FUck?
Dude... I just wish I knew what the fuck to do....
Ya know... it could possibly be because I just sat on my ass for all 10 hours of my work shift 2night, or because I've been thinking non stop about it since it happened... but holy fuck man, I thought my life was going soo good up to around a week ago... Like,. everything was going fine and well, I thought I was getting my shit together,,,, and cleaning up, I thought I was on my way to doing something usefull!!!! Now look at me.. I'm fucking miserable, , , I've made atleast 2 other peoples lives miserable... I don't know what they're going to do,, or what I'm going to do..... I had a few "realizations" I guess you could call it, 2night at work.... I'll try to explain a few now... and pick holes through them to figure out whats good and whats not...
SO ... First things first.... before I actuelly decide to do anything, or anything like that,,, I must... MUST MUST!!! talk to Teri.... I don't know why,, but I have this really weird, unsettelling feeling that she's pregnent... and ya know what,,, as much of a mind job that would be, and how crazy my life would become after that... I'd almost prefer that just so I'd know what the fuck I should do with my life from then on... That would really make things less complicated... for if I knew that she was pregnent... my choice(s) would become so fucking easy!!!! But shit dude,,, its not that easy... I mean, right now , she doesn't even want to see me(which I understand,,, its just really hard right now...)... But anyway.... I'm kinda straying off topic right now.... So yeah,, thats #1 on my to do list... find out if Teri's prego'.... I don't know, I just have this weird weird weird feeling..... Anyway....
But yeah,,, I was thinking today at work... I could move back to PEI, in with my parents for a little while,,, (take a month or 2 off to relax and clear my head a bit) during this break period, I'd like to get into the gymnastics, and do that for a while... get in some good shape... Then I was thinking when I started to run out of money, or got too bored with it,, that I'd join the military.... This would be pretty much my only option of things to do on PEI,,, plus I'd only be getting started with the military on PEI, I'd have to move else were once I was in something,,, but I'd be ready for that by then./.... Anyway.,... Thats kinda just a plan I formulated today... and really,,, it doesn't sound that great,,, but shit dude, it sounds so much better then here.... Like,,, I'm convinced that I can't work at Inotec much longer... I really can't..... It's not so much the job, or the people.... its just not what I want to do for the rest of my life... Plain and simple,,, I just don't want to do it for life.... and thats what they want,,,, and I know I could easily do it,,, but I just don't want to... i don't know how to describe it,,, but its just not me,,its not my dream job.... I think there's something more out there in store for me.. I just need to find out what the fuck it is!~!!!!!
The only flaw in my "plan" is moving back in with my parents...... I just don't know about it... I know they've told me that I can anytime... and I know I could,,, but its just such a step back!!! I went from being totally taken care of by them,, to moved out on my own on PEI,, went totally solo, didn't need or ask for any of their help.... then I decided to move to Edmonton,to which I needed help, and they were there, but I only used the littlest bit that I needed... Then I lived out here in Edmonton for 6 months, to which I returned and lived with them,(knowing I was only going to be there for 4-5 months) then Moved back out here for 1 full year.... LIke its been 1 full year of totally being out here and away from them,, never asking or needing help from them.... and now this??? Begging to stay at their house for free for "a while till I figure things out?" I'm doing exactly what I told myself I'd never do again,, which is fall back on my parents when times get tough.... I've always told myself that I'd never do that, cuz I hate when other people do it to their parents,, its just so cowardly,, pathetic,,, I just don't like the thought of "pussying out in life" by crawling back to your parents.... I dunno, maybe I'm full of shit, but thats just my own opinion.... But as sad as that whole speel was,,, I think it's going to happen for me.... Fuck man, I just don't know what else to do... I'm convinced I don't like it in Edmonton... I need to have a forest close by,,, or be able to ride a bike.... It's not that I miss PEI,,, i just don't like Edmonton... Like, PEI is great because I know it, and I'm comfortable there....
Straying from topics.... Man,,,, I know this is all wrong.... everything is just wrong... my plan is wrong, my life is wrong, my decisions are wrong..... I don't think I should be passing up this "opertunity"(for a lack of a better word) with Teri.... She's too good to me and for me,to just give up... We make to much since together to just stop ... I think if nothing was to come out of our relationship,,, if we just decided to go our seperate ways from now on.... THAT WOULD BE A WASTE!!!! We've got so much together.... we get along, we make things work, Zoa and I are great.... Like, theres just no bad in it.... theres nothing bad about the whole thing.... except me. I'm the sole problem, cause, and reason for why things are the way they are,,, Seriously,,, It's only always been me holding myself back... I did it with Emily, with Laura,, and now with Teri... I should really just totally cut myself off from women... I'm no damn good for any of them... I always manage to fuck shit up, and make things worse for people.... I don't deserve to try to make things work with Teri... as much as I'd want them to,,, I couldn't do it,,, I'd find some way of fucking it up, and losing everything....
On another side note... I must look into EI... cuz if I could get unemployment from the time I quit Inotec, through to while I stay with my parents,, I could hopefully maybe get unemployment.... that' could be sweet for a little bit... Not sweet that I'll be using it, (because I think its royally fucking pathetic when people sit on their asses all the time and get paid for it!! fuck E.I. is soo fucking lame!!!) but that I'll be getting some income while I figure shit out, and hopefully train at a gym.... So yeah,, look into EI!!!!
Anyway,, i've ranted for long enough now.... I think' I'm going to go make some food, and have a shower... L8a Days...
Ya know... it could possibly be because I just sat on my ass for all 10 hours of my work shift 2night, or because I've been thinking non stop about it since it happened... but holy fuck man, I thought my life was going soo good up to around a week ago... Like,. everything was going fine and well, I thought I was getting my shit together,,,, and cleaning up, I thought I was on my way to doing something usefull!!!! Now look at me.. I'm fucking miserable, , , I've made atleast 2 other peoples lives miserable... I don't know what they're going to do,, or what I'm going to do..... I had a few "realizations" I guess you could call it, 2night at work.... I'll try to explain a few now... and pick holes through them to figure out whats good and whats not...
SO ... First things first.... before I actuelly decide to do anything, or anything like that,,, I must... MUST MUST!!! talk to Teri.... I don't know why,, but I have this really weird, unsettelling feeling that she's pregnent... and ya know what,,, as much of a mind job that would be, and how crazy my life would become after that... I'd almost prefer that just so I'd know what the fuck I should do with my life from then on... That would really make things less complicated... for if I knew that she was pregnent... my choice(s) would become so fucking easy!!!! But shit dude,,, its not that easy... I mean, right now , she doesn't even want to see me(which I understand,,, its just really hard right now...)... But anyway.... I'm kinda straying off topic right now.... So yeah,, thats #1 on my to do list... find out if Teri's prego'.... I don't know, I just have this weird weird weird feeling..... Anyway....
But yeah,,, I was thinking today at work... I could move back to PEI, in with my parents for a little while,,, (take a month or 2 off to relax and clear my head a bit) during this break period, I'd like to get into the gymnastics, and do that for a while... get in some good shape... Then I was thinking when I started to run out of money, or got too bored with it,, that I'd join the military.... This would be pretty much my only option of things to do on PEI,,, plus I'd only be getting started with the military on PEI, I'd have to move else were once I was in something,,, but I'd be ready for that by then./.... Anyway.,... Thats kinda just a plan I formulated today... and really,,, it doesn't sound that great,,, but shit dude, it sounds so much better then here.... Like,,, I'm convinced that I can't work at Inotec much longer... I really can't..... It's not so much the job, or the people.... its just not what I want to do for the rest of my life... Plain and simple,,, I just don't want to do it for life.... and thats what they want,,,, and I know I could easily do it,,, but I just don't want to... i don't know how to describe it,,, but its just not me,,its not my dream job.... I think there's something more out there in store for me.. I just need to find out what the fuck it is!~!!!!!
The only flaw in my "plan" is moving back in with my parents...... I just don't know about it... I know they've told me that I can anytime... and I know I could,,, but its just such a step back!!! I went from being totally taken care of by them,, to moved out on my own on PEI,, went totally solo, didn't need or ask for any of their help.... then I decided to move to Edmonton,to which I needed help, and they were there, but I only used the littlest bit that I needed... Then I lived out here in Edmonton for 6 months, to which I returned and lived with them,(knowing I was only going to be there for 4-5 months) then Moved back out here for 1 full year.... LIke its been 1 full year of totally being out here and away from them,, never asking or needing help from them.... and now this??? Begging to stay at their house for free for "a while till I figure things out?" I'm doing exactly what I told myself I'd never do again,, which is fall back on my parents when times get tough.... I've always told myself that I'd never do that, cuz I hate when other people do it to their parents,, its just so cowardly,, pathetic,,, I just don't like the thought of "pussying out in life" by crawling back to your parents.... I dunno, maybe I'm full of shit, but thats just my own opinion.... But as sad as that whole speel was,,, I think it's going to happen for me.... Fuck man, I just don't know what else to do... I'm convinced I don't like it in Edmonton... I need to have a forest close by,,, or be able to ride a bike.... It's not that I miss PEI,,, i just don't like Edmonton... Like, PEI is great because I know it, and I'm comfortable there....
Straying from topics.... Man,,,, I know this is all wrong.... everything is just wrong... my plan is wrong, my life is wrong, my decisions are wrong..... I don't think I should be passing up this "opertunity"(for a lack of a better word) with Teri.... She's too good to me and for me,to just give up... We make to much since together to just stop ... I think if nothing was to come out of our relationship,,, if we just decided to go our seperate ways from now on.... THAT WOULD BE A WASTE!!!! We've got so much together.... we get along, we make things work, Zoa and I are great.... Like, theres just no bad in it.... theres nothing bad about the whole thing.... except me. I'm the sole problem, cause, and reason for why things are the way they are,,, Seriously,,, It's only always been me holding myself back... I did it with Emily, with Laura,, and now with Teri... I should really just totally cut myself off from women... I'm no damn good for any of them... I always manage to fuck shit up, and make things worse for people.... I don't deserve to try to make things work with Teri... as much as I'd want them to,,, I couldn't do it,,, I'd find some way of fucking it up, and losing everything....
On another side note... I must look into EI... cuz if I could get unemployment from the time I quit Inotec, through to while I stay with my parents,, I could hopefully maybe get unemployment.... that' could be sweet for a little bit... Not sweet that I'll be using it, (because I think its royally fucking pathetic when people sit on their asses all the time and get paid for it!! fuck E.I. is soo fucking lame!!!) but that I'll be getting some income while I figure shit out, and hopefully train at a gym.... So yeah,, look into EI!!!!
Anyway,, i've ranted for long enough now.... I think' I'm going to go make some food, and have a shower... L8a Days...
posted by bebop at 5:39 a.m.
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