Wow....

Wow man,,,, fuck, what a wierd feeling I'm feeling right now... It just hit me whats going on right now...Man,,,, I've been up for the past 2-3 hours now,,, its now 7:25AM... Man,,, what the fuck is going on???? Like, its been 1 year and 2 days since J-Rod and I got here...And now he's leaving... its almost like me starting over again.... Like... Well, this has been fun, but now what?what the fuck do I do now? Teri's done with me...fuck.... it seems like everything that I've done in this past year means absolutly nothing.... What matters now? Teri and I had soo many good times together! Shit dude, just watching some of the videos on my computor is crazy!!! And just imagine all the moments we had that weren't on camera.... Fuck I'm going to miss her!!! Shit it just feels like I'm still just wasting time!?!?!!? Like, fuck dude, I want so bad to do this thing with Teri,,,, Fuck why can't I just man up and fucking do it!!!! I'm not doing anything else with my life.... like seriously!!! Why the fuck can't I just do it? I want to,,, But theres some small stupid part of me thats saying "wait, don't do this, if you do this you'll never be able to just up and do that ever you want..." Seriously I know it wouldn't be like that, I mean, yeah I would be tied down a bit in the sence that I'd have to live in one area for a long time, until we had enough money to move the family away... but it just seems like, if I were to do the family thing, I couldn't do "whatever" I wanted to... I know I don't do much, but the option is still there.... fuck I hate that,,,, its just like, I don't feel like I need to smoke weed when I have it... but when I don't have any at all, I crave it for some reason... Its just cuz when I have it,,, the possibility is there, so I don't crave it... but once I know I can't have it when ever I want... I get panicy, and scared.... so thats what I'm afraid will happen with Teri... I have the freedom to do what ever I want right now because I have no tie downs or anything,,, but if I were to start this family thing, I'd have to totally comitt to it and do it!!! and thats what I'm afraid of,,, losing that abuility to just leave the province when ever,,,

Anyway, I'm getting off of that subject for now..... Maybe its a good thing.... maybe this is a sign to start something new... It is the new start of the year... 1 full year since J-Rod and I moved here to start our life... Fuck dude... What to do now.... I just had a random thought of joining the military.... and ya know, I really think I'd like it, but I just don't do stuff well alone.... I don't know why,,,, like starting new things, I like to do it with other people,,, don't get me wrong,,, I love being by myself, and doing my own thing! but something like the military... I think I would just need that much more of a boost from another person to start...Ya know.... Now I couldn't convince my brother to do it... for some reason he doesn't want to... But I'm thinking maybe my good buddy Patty C!!! shit dude, he's in crazy shape now man... So yeah, I just finished writing him an e-mail.... Dude, I so wish I had any kind of videos with Pat in them... Fuck dude, I miss him so much man! He was probably one of my favorite friends... like over every good friend I've had,, man he was one that I was hoping to stick with for life... he's just a fucking wicked guy dude!!!fuck..... I should move back to PEI.....not just to escape from everything out here,, but to get in shape,,,, take some time away from working.... join some gymnastics... that could be awsome.... maybe decide to go to basic after a while on PEI... or after I run out of money.... Shit dude.,.. that could be a plan... I could just save here for a little while till I have enough money to take a few months off of work... then move to PEI for a while so I could get in shape, clear my mind and stuff... then join the military....
Uhh... I don't know what to do....

till later....
L8a Days...