Sunday, September 09, 2007

Starting New

Man, its just like starting all over again....this is just where I was a year prior to now.... except now,,, I don't have J-Rod with me... I'm alone..... I have the guys in the house, and my brother, ,, but man, shits just wierd now.... I don't know what it is,,, but Dave and I don't get along quite as good as we used to, ,, maybe its just the situation thats going on right now... but really, I just don't think we get each other any more..... I'm not going to get into the details or anything,, but lets just say, he's going back out with Daniel, after I told him countless times that its not a good idea... he's just going to be miserable for the next little while..... and it seriously sucks because I know he's going to drag me into it... But I think, that for the next little while, I'm going to try to be a ghost to this place... I want to start working either 5 or maybe even 6 days a week,.,, like Start going in on Fridays for a few hours, then maybe saturday mornings with Jake for a while if I can.... I'm going to have to learn a few more areas,,, but I think if I can do that, then I'll actuelly start putting in some good hours, and then I'll put in for my review... see how much of a raise I can get out of them... and depending on that,,, I'll deicde wether or not to stay here..... I may just move out on my own or something, a nice little 1 bedroom apt close to work or something.... I just feel like something needs to change..... Because I'm just plain and simply not happy with me...I feel like I have more potential.... Its like I'm finally realizing what everyone's been telling me for years and years now.... It's wierd had you realize things like that later in life.... Like, how many people have ever told you "Just focus in school, it'll pay off in the long run" seriously!!! its so fucking true, but no one listens to it!!! It's like,,, if only I listened to the people that mattered... Well, I think I'm going to call my parents sometime soon, and ask them what they think would be a good idea of something to do for a little while... You know, ya never really know, but I could realize in like 4-5-6 months that I want to be a father, and maybe I'd like to start a family.... I wonder..... think Teri would take be back if I really knew that, thats what I'd want to do? Could I convince myself,,, let alone her..... But for real man.... like,, What the fuck should I do for the next little bit??? I need to find something to believe in.... I've been saying it for quite some time now... but really its true,,, I just need something to take my full concentration and will to achieve... But what?.... You know.. The Military really could take me far... Just think of the kind of person I am... I'm super competitive... I think it would be for me... Like, I'd do my fucking best to make sure I was the best... Think they would notice that, and put me into special programs and stuff?? Because, I'm not one of those people to speak up to get what I want,,, I'm one of those people who hopes other people are watching closely enough to realize what I want and am working towards..... I just wonder if they'd see that? Uhh I wonder if I could do the military thing? I'm sure I could,,, I really think I could do it, and I could do it great!

Uhh,, So I'm smoking the last little bit of my weed right now... and I'm thinking maybe now I'm ready to quit.... I'd like to start working out a bit daily, and start stretching alot again.... that would be great... maybe even start running..... I just want to start feeling better... that would be great!!! I just need something to change!!!!!! I know I must have said that a million times by now,, but its true.... I really do....seriously, what should I do? Should I move back to PEI for a while??? Like, really what would that accomplish me tho??? what would I do there? yeah I'd like to take a little break from everything, and just go there to relax for a little bit... but then what? what would I do from there? I'd be broke with no job, or not a good paying job anyways.... at my parents place.... So, either I'd need to come back here to Edmonton for while... or save money before I go... but to do what?!?!?! GOD DAMNIT!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!??

I gotta find something.... L8a Days...


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