its 3:21AM...

Yup 321AM. Anyway, whats up? havent writting in a while eh? Well, lets see... The staff party was this past Saturday night... Wow, what a good night, lol, man everyone was fucking wasted! Like royally. Nothing overly big happened, besides Liam getting kicked out cuz he wanted to fight one of the new guys or something, I dunno what the whole story was about, all I know is that after they finally got him to leave, April kicked everyone out and the party was over, so anyway, besides that, nothing really happend, it was a fucking fun ass time tho, like I said, everyone was fucking wasted, it was a fun time.....
But yeah, wow, 2night Dave and I went for our nightly smoke, but for some reason I did more talking 2night, and just kinda told him a hole bunch of shit... Lots of randoms, but some of it was pretty good stuff. Now that I think about it, he prolly learned alot about ME. Who I am, and who I want to be....and of corse just other random shit about myself... but yeah... anyway, im kinda straying from topic to topic here, but I just kinda had a little Epiphany......

I Will Never Give My Heart Away To Anyone Again...

I've come to the realization that Im not meant to be with any one person for the rest of my life... Its just something that I dont want, and I dont think I need.

I see too clearly the concequences of what can happen...

Its not worth the suffering to lose someone soo close to you,

To break your heart...

Soo long to heal from this pain.

Its not worth it.

I can go forever without sharing my heart with anyone again,

Because I know I will never get that part of it back when everything comes to an end...

Its a part of your heart you will never get back.

Just a sad, dark, dead part of your heart that is now Black.

I put too much of my love into what I think is love.

Only to get rejected, pushed away...

I am a strong person. I can, and have Endured many painfull things,,,

But one thing I cant endure again is my heart being crushed...

Its not only avoidable, but sensible...

Why get into something that will not last?

Ohh yeah, I also talked to Dave a bit about how I believe in Destiny, not Fate.... Now first I must explain what I think the difference is.... Im not sure if this is tottally accurate, but if not, and the 2 words do mean the same thing... I just suck. the end, I dunno, but yeah, just hear me out...

Fate.... Fate is a specific thing... if your fate is to die in a plane crash, then you'll die in a plane crash...

Destiny... Destiny I think is more vague and blurry... I think Destiny is more open to non-specifics... If your destined to die in a great tragedie, it could be anything, a plane crash, car crash, whatever.... Anyway, I know those are kinda shitty examples, but just try to compare the differences in your own life....

I do believe that I'm Destined for great things, but I dont think Fate has a specific for me. I know great things I want to do, but I do not know if Im specifially destined for a specific thing... Anyway, this subject is extremely hard to try to explain by typed words... If ever you feel like hearing my explination, it'll prolly be alot clearer...

So yeah besides all that, I think I either have cancer, or a tumor... I have this strange bump on the back of my neck. At first I didn't really worry about it, just cuz, who cares... but it hasnt gone away yet, and its been there for quite some time now... I cant really remember when I first noticed it, but Im sure its been there for a good 3 weeks now.... So yeah, thats kinda on the back of my mind all the time now....

Dave and I also talked a bit about life alterning experiences... And I think I raised a few very good points.... - If a person has a life altering experience It will always make them stronger!. No matter what happens, good or bad, the person will only become stronger in time from it... I compared this statement to my life and specifially some of my life/death experiences.... Since im sure anyone whose reading this has read blogs from last year knowing about my "suicidal attempts" if you will... Back to my point here.... From myself going through that experience of "all time lowest point" has only made me such a stronger person. I told Dave about it, but I honestly DO NOT Regret 1 time that I tried to kill myself... not 1. If I could go back in time and stop myself from it, I would NOT. I can recall every memory of each even as clear as crystal, and im glad that I experienced every second of it. Going back and looking at it now, experiencing these life altrering things makes you appreciate the fact that you got through it.

When I look back on my life and try to find my all time Lowest point, I can find it easoly.... Like my all time most down, depressed, just downright shitty mood. My Rock Bottom as you might call it.... It was just after the best summer of my life... When I moved to Adams place on the Trans Canada..... Now Adam if your reading this, please dont take affence to that, it was in no way your fault,or in anyway really ralated to you. But yeah..... When I look back I can find 2 times of extreme depression... 1 was in high school, the first time I really tried to kill myself, I was pretty down at that time, but nothign really compared to those 2 months at the Trans Canada.... The only real reason I was so down was because I lost everything... Literally EVERYTHING.... When I lost Emily in high school, I still had my friends to see everyday, I still had my family to go home and see.... But when I lost Laura last year after summer, I lost it all... I was already depending on her and her alone... By that time, I had already lost my friends, I was moved out of my house to wich my brother had already left and was living in Edmonton. So who did I have to turn to? No one.... and that was Matts All Time Lowest point.... Rock Bottom... When you reach the point in your life where you have to find reasons to go living day by day.... I littereally had to wake up every day and ask myself "Why not die today?". And most days I coudlnt come up with an answer... And when you cant find a reason to live... You get very down for a very long time.... I saw the negative in everything, I saw no positive, No good, No happyness... Just darkness.Then you start looking for things to look forward to, to keep you motivated to go on..... But I had nothing. Nothing I wanted, nothing to look forward to, nothing to strive for.... Im just soo glad and happy that my brother managed to get me out of that hole... to get out of that life. If I hadnt of moved to Edmonton I might not be here 2day. I most likely would have just got more and more down to the point where I couldnt get out of it.

Anyway, just some freestyle writting going on here, I dont even know why I start going into things soo deeply then just snap out of it, but sometimes my train of thought carries me soo far before it tottally just freezes up and stops... But yeah, nothign else is really coming to me so, I think im just gonna head to bed. 4:04AM... L8a days

Peaks... Alright times....

Well, I went out to Peaks last night with everyone.... Now, it was an ok night, I must say, nothing went overly rong or anything, but it was kind of boring when we all got back to the house... But yeah, man, I saw soo many people I knew there last night... shit, ok im going to try to rhyme off some names....
Kevin MacQuaid, Josh Lindsay, Tim Hutchings, Phil MacDonald, Emily Walters, Natalie Bojoix(I dunno how to speel her last name:P), Alex Mercer!, Amanda Pickard!!!, Sarah Dykerman, Morgan!!!, Robyn from work, Alex From work, and many many more that I just saw and didnt end up talking to...
Uhh anyway, I went to the beach all day.. Yeha, I just tottally lost my train of thought, and thers a few ppl talking to me on MSN, so im gonna head out, i'll write in this later... L8a days

Silent Night...

So I just got in from a little session I had on the deck.... There has to be something going out outhere... Right now... As I write this down... I dont know what, but it was creepy... The absolute dead silence.... There wasn't a sound.... No cars in either direction.... No wind.... No crickets... No sounds what so ever....... So I smoked my boul quickly.... As I finished 2 cars passed by... Straight through.... Then the silence again.... So I sat..... Sat and waited... Did not move a muscle.... Looked around with my eyes only... Did not move my neck or head.... Listened carefully.... For something.... For anything..... But nothing came... I stood and waited for atleast 10 minutes.... And nothing..... Nothing....
Anyway, I came in after that...... Came down to my room... figured I should write some shit down in my blog... thats mainly why I went for a smoke... but now I just kinda feel like listening to my music... The Discography of Tool... Fucking awsome!!! Man they rock!!!

Yeah but yeah... SO i've been staying at Mitch and Brads place often again... and the mail stilll hastn arrived!!! Mother fucker.... next time Im goingto order it and send it to my house... and the best thing is, if my dad ever got pissed, all I need to say is , "hey dad, chill the fuck out, its not weed, its called Salvia, and its fucking legal!!!!" and I wouldnt be lying, its fucking legal!! it is, we looked it up, plus theres a store on PEI taht sells it!!! fuck !!, hello!! anyway,,, the point of the matter is,. if we dont end up getting it and the web site we got it from was fautly or whatever... welll, I told Brad I'd pay for it in full.... so, its going to be my ass...

Yeah, but other then that, I dont know what im talking about... shit man... Old stems and new good hippie crack, is a good fucking combination!!

Ohh shit yeah, ALmost forgot!! but I guess Im going to have to go out 2morrow night(Wednesday night)... Cuz Barett is home and goign out... and I have Thursday off.... and Everyone else is going out... so yeah, Im hoping to fuck its going to be a good fucking time!!! Im going to get drunk!!!! But fuck, I fucking hate the bars!!!,,,, I know its prolly going to be packed, and I dont like going on the dance floor, and I dont smoke, so I just chill outside the whole time... most of the time by myself... Hmmm..... what can I do???? WE'll see how drunk I get, sometimes when Im royally drunk, I'll dance... ohhh, that never ends up well.... Ohh but shit,,, ya know what could be a really bad possibility? I kinda think if I get drunk enough and Kristen gets drunk enough, that she might try to come on to me, and I might just go for it, especially if im drunk enough to dance.... and Daves supposedly going to make his move, or try... or something... I duno, but he told me not to do anything with Kristen,... Told me to lay off, so I will, as a brother and a friend... Its all him... No C.Blockin from me... I'll try not anyway, shit, I hope shit doesn't go down wrongly...... Uhhh.. Hey.. I just saw my Work Out Schedule... I think I may do some stuff... I may be back later... L8a days...

2Morrow... A Day Off...

Yup, so 2morrow is my day off, and man, its going to be nice... well Its like 2:00AM now, and I doubt I'll be goign to sleep for a little bit... and I dunno really what time Emily's going to call me 2morrow, It doesnt really matter, cuz I'll be up and ready in no time.... But yeah I should get on to telling what i've been up to for the past few days...
OK so its sorta sunday morning now... but lets seee... Thursday after work I went to Jake and Brads place.... We just got baked and stuff but went to bed half early cuz they both had to work in the morning... anyway after they left me at their place with just Mitch I slept for a bit.... ended up going to work to get a bite to eat, but ended up just going to work 5 hours before my shift... It was ok I worked for 3 hours till around 3:00PM to which I clocked out and went to the basement and slept.... Slept on the freezer till 5 when they woke me up to go to work... So after work on Friday I went to Jakes place again and we got pretty damn baked all night that night.... nothing special happened... Then Saturday I woke up at their place and got soo soo baked all day till I ended up going to work(extremely still fried!!!).. They all knew and I didnt deny it, but it still went well, no problems, and no one shitting on me for shit I didnt do... which was cool... SO yeah, then I got a bit of weed delivered to work, smoked a boul with everyone who closed with me and then got a ride home with dad.... Yup, im pretty sure he saw me putting my pipe into my bag and into my pocket, but he didnt say anything when I got into the car so... Idunno its all good I guess.... But yeah anyway, Im gonna ask Dave if he wants to go out for a smoke... I might write later on, but doubtfully... L8a Days..

So... I get paid 2morrow..,....

And Im hoping to fuck that I dont spend 1 single dime on weed. Well atleast thats what Im going to try to do anyways.... Im going to take out 350$ right after I cash my check... 100$ to my dad for rent... and the other 250$ is going towards my plane ticket... the rest is free money, but Im going to try not to spend any of it on weed... Thats it, I just gotta cut it out with that.... Anywayu, I know i'll prolly cave by... welll Next Saturday for sure... Well, im going to have to buy a little weed for our Staff Party!!! SHit yeah, next saturday night theres a staff party at our GM (April's) Place.... SHould be a good time, and if it isnt, well im going to make it a good time, fuck yeah. If thers no life of the party.. it'll be me, for sure! I'll most likely be closeing that night, but Im going to be drinking at atleast like 7:00PM, and if Im not caught up by the time I get there, well fuck it, I'll just have to catch up there by lots of shots or something... lol.... SO yeah, im really looking forward to that... Well. I really dont knwo why I started this blog cuz I really dont have anythign else to say.... I guess im going to sharpen my knifes till I get tired enough to go to bed,... L8a Days...

GottaGoodBakeOn,GonnaRamble....GoodStory....

2:31AM.... I just got back from a little "excursion".... Well atleast my intentions were good... See I had a plan To go out and just explore,,, Do some recon... Smoke a boul.... So upon stealthely sneeking out of my house without making any sound I creeped down my long driveway down into the streets cheking in all directions for any "unusual" objects... As my analysis reached the house direcetly paralell to Park St. I saw a figure... This figure seemed to be sitting down, she had long blond frizzy hair.... her head burried in her arms and knees as shes sitting, sulking, crying.... For why?... No time to this as 2 figures appear from the front door of this house... They're talking, just making small talk about going home as they walk toward this sulking girl at the end of the driveway.... I walk by from the other side of the street going perpendicular to their position,,, they manage to pic up the sad blond frizzy haired girl and bring her to the car just as I passed into the trees and got cover enough to be hidden... as I watched they drove away rather causually,,, turned left on the highway... Nothing else came of it...... So my endeavor continued... As I walked down this almost pitch black gravel trailway, I realize that with my ninja boots on I make close to no noise at all . . . ..... no noise at all....... as I step onto the bridge I realize if anyone or anything would try to approach me I'd hear it from a good 50 feet away... The night is still and quiet,,, Only the soft sound of the blowing wind through the trees.... The soft crackling sound of the water crashing over the rocks in the small brook beneath me feet.... I pull out my pipe and start look around one last time before I start my concentration on my hands,,,, but still my ears stand sharp for sounds for anything out of place....I cover the lighter almost completely so no light escapes into the night,,, making sure not to reveal my position to anyone.... or anything..... As I take a few puffs I start to panic.... My sences slip for only a moment and all is lost... I cant concentrate... my sight and my sounds are off... the smell, everything is gone from me... I grow weak and stale with senceless thoughts as I slowly put my pipe and other effects away.... I calmly start to pull myself back together as I start focusing on what I now must do...I steady myself as I close my eyes and listen only... Listen to Everything.... Listen to the sounds of the brook,,, The Trees,,, The Wind... My Ears are steady,,,, I open my eyes and and start to focus my eyes... Looking up from the pitch black streets into the perfectly light streets seems almost perfect for an ambush.... As I clear my eyes with my fingers so to get a crystal clear view of everything I start walking slowly making sure not to make a single sound..... I gaze behind myself every 3 to 5 paces making sure no one or nothing is following... I now see up and down the street... there's nothing in either direction... Nothing, not even the sound of a car going up or down the highway only some 100 meters away.... I move on.... I calmly walk up the street and as I come to the corner I hear it... 1... maybe 2 cars coming from the rear... I start to sprint to my ditch where I jump in and hide... Its only 1 car,,, but it slows down after it passes me some 40 meters away.... I sit and wait for someone to get out... but nothing, they just stop for a few moments then roll off.... turn left down the highway.......I get up slowly and walk up the long driveway on the right side of the cars... I now see the cat coming towards me from the opposite side of the deck... I site on the steps as she rubs her side against my back.... I pet her for a few minutes and decide to go in... Letting the cat in first, I close the doors and lock them as quietly as possible then scale down the steps 2 by 2 trying to make little to no sound..... then I arrive back to my Lair..... My beaten up and shattered Lair...... To these strange and demented thoughts... What next will come? Will these nightly excusion continue? Will they expand and become somthing more?..... When? Why? How?.....



Woww man,.... I have no Idea where all that just came from... but yeah... dude, its loosly based on a true story... happened..... really did.... anyway, 3:09... Im gonna start another post

A Real Piss Off....

You know.... Have you ever told someone specifically not to say a certain thing or things because it affends you, and have that person through it in your face like its nothing? Well fuck. For Fucks sakes... Im soo fucking pissed right now its hard to even start explaining what happened.... But fuck....

Anyway, what happened was I got off work and went down to Jake and Brads place just to chill like always... and we went outside to hack and durring, Brad said somethign that really pissed me off, but I just mentioned to him how I didnt like him using those "words" and my opinion on it, and he very well know how I felt about the whole thing, and then he just fucking through it all out there, fucking just dropped the line..... And fuck.... I was soo fucking pissed, I couldnt even hit the fucker (although I wanted to soo fuckign bad for the prick to even say suck foul fucking language....) anyway, all I did was pick up my hack, went inside and got my shit, didnt say 1 fuckign word to him, or anyone..., just walked.....
..
Walked back to Mikes where I waited for Kelly M to gett off work and give me a lift home.... and here I am, at home... pissed., but tired and stoned. Still fucking pissed at that shit tho...... Uhh god... anyway, Im going to go have a shower, then prolly some sleep... shit. L8a days...

Long time, No blog...

Anyway, yeah, so its now Monday night,(well Tuesday morning) and Im home!!! Ha. anyway, SO yeah I guess I should start with last week.... ok lets see here...

Monday I worked 4-close, Went to Jake and Brads place for the night... Got royally baked, but I did that most of the week/weekend...
Tuesday: No work!!! I cant remember what I did on Tuesday or Wednesday, but I know I had them both off... ohh wait, no I had got called in to work on Tuesday... shti yeah, 10-8 or something stupid like that... anyway....
Thursday: Thursday started off the shittyest weekend EVER at Mikes Restaurant.... Shit man, Not only did we have little to no cooks, but little to no food!! Like in general... Anyway, Thursday night wastn too bad I guess, got out of there at like 1something then went to Jakes for the night (got baked most of the night again till I went to sleep)....
Friday: Woke up at Jakes from like 5 hours of sleep... didnt do much all day really... cant remember what I really did till work, but I went in at 4, and they were already SWAMPED with orders... and it did not stop! like really didnt stop until like 11:30 that night... anyway, fucking friday night I got out at like 1:30-2:00AM and just went to Jakes and smoked a lot!!!, stayed up for a good long time. Went back and forth between there and Neales place... Ended up crashing at Neales I think...
Saturday: Cant remember what I did for the day again... anyway, went to work at 4 again, and same as Friday... FUcked from the first step I took in the building... orders kinda slowed at like 11:00 that night, but we (Nic and I) left Mitch in the dish pit cuz he didnt show up for his shift friday night... so the dish pit was fuckign stacked in every possible fucking way, all fuckign night!!! he dindt do shit all all day, and then at like 11:30 Mitch fucking storms out and says he quits... So Nick and I look at each other and just say "FUCK". We both knew we had to do all those fucking dishs./... Anyway, we didnt get out of there till like 2:30AM!! fuck that sucked.. anyway, after that I went to Neales place and Luckyly enough Dave got some shoes for me from Kenny, so I had 1, and went up to Jakes place, where I found out that him and Chainsaw found some cid so they each had only 1... SO as you can imagine the 3 of us didnt sleep that night.
Sunday:Sunday I finally went home, at like 10AM we got mom to pick up the 3 of us(Yeah I forgot to mention but Tony was home for the weekend, although I only saw him for like 1 hour that night) So I slept for like a few hours tilI had to go to work at 4 again on Sunday... Shit that was a fucking horrible day,. It was the first every time I saw the front line but full of orders, side by side, all the way down, with like 6-7 more orders printing out of the machine... Fuck it was soo fucking busy. straight till 10, when we had to close early.. FUck me that sucked!!! anyway, Nic and I got out of there at like 12:30-1:00, then I went to Jakes place again for the ngiht... got like 5-6 hours of sleep till I got up to go to work on Monday at 10:00AM....
Monday: SO I got to work this morning at like 10:00, and fuck we were pretty fucking busy... then when fucking Supper rush came we got fucked!!! Anyway, nonstop orders till around 8 when Adam left, and I did shortly after... I went to Jakes place for like 2 mins to get a bit of weed to bring back to Nic at work to smoke with him, just for a nice calm down session to finish work, and ironically enough like 4 tables walked in at the same time, 1 being a table of 10, 2 tables of 4, and 1 of 5.... SO I helped him out till close pretty much, then smoked 2 doobies with him, and called for a ride home... Ha, and now here I am, 1:15AM finally home, and showerd....it feels great... Anyway, thats pretty much all I gotta say... I have a bit of weed, and I wanna roll a J and go outside to smoke it right now, but my dads up...Yeah wierd I know, but he said he slept alot earlyer 2day and hes not tired, so he could be up till he goes to fucking work at like6.... Anyway, Im out, ... L8a Days