its 3:21AM...

Yup 321AM. Anyway, whats up? havent writting in a while eh? Well, lets see... The staff party was this past Saturday night... Wow, what a good night, lol, man everyone was fucking wasted! Like royally. Nothing overly big happened, besides Liam getting kicked out cuz he wanted to fight one of the new guys or something, I dunno what the whole story was about, all I know is that after they finally got him to leave, April kicked everyone out and the party was over, so anyway, besides that, nothing really happend, it was a fucking fun ass time tho, like I said, everyone was fucking wasted, it was a fun time.....
But yeah, wow, 2night Dave and I went for our nightly smoke, but for some reason I did more talking 2night, and just kinda told him a hole bunch of shit... Lots of randoms, but some of it was pretty good stuff. Now that I think about it, he prolly learned alot about ME. Who I am, and who I want to be....and of corse just other random shit about myself... but yeah... anyway, im kinda straying from topic to topic here, but I just kinda had a little Epiphany......

I Will Never Give My Heart Away To Anyone Again...

I've come to the realization that Im not meant to be with any one person for the rest of my life... Its just something that I dont want, and I dont think I need.

I see too clearly the concequences of what can happen...

Its not worth the suffering to lose someone soo close to you,

To break your heart...

Soo long to heal from this pain.

Its not worth it.

I can go forever without sharing my heart with anyone again,

Because I know I will never get that part of it back when everything comes to an end...

Its a part of your heart you will never get back.

Just a sad, dark, dead part of your heart that is now Black.

I put too much of my love into what I think is love.

Only to get rejected, pushed away...

I am a strong person. I can, and have Endured many painfull things,,,

But one thing I cant endure again is my heart being crushed...

Its not only avoidable, but sensible...

Why get into something that will not last?

Ohh yeah, I also talked to Dave a bit about how I believe in Destiny, not Fate.... Now first I must explain what I think the difference is.... Im not sure if this is tottally accurate, but if not, and the 2 words do mean the same thing... I just suck. the end, I dunno, but yeah, just hear me out...

Fate.... Fate is a specific thing... if your fate is to die in a plane crash, then you'll die in a plane crash...

Destiny... Destiny I think is more vague and blurry... I think Destiny is more open to non-specifics... If your destined to die in a great tragedie, it could be anything, a plane crash, car crash, whatever.... Anyway, I know those are kinda shitty examples, but just try to compare the differences in your own life....

I do believe that I'm Destined for great things, but I dont think Fate has a specific for me. I know great things I want to do, but I do not know if Im specifially destined for a specific thing... Anyway, this subject is extremely hard to try to explain by typed words... If ever you feel like hearing my explination, it'll prolly be alot clearer...

So yeah besides all that, I think I either have cancer, or a tumor... I have this strange bump on the back of my neck. At first I didn't really worry about it, just cuz, who cares... but it hasnt gone away yet, and its been there for quite some time now... I cant really remember when I first noticed it, but Im sure its been there for a good 3 weeks now.... So yeah, thats kinda on the back of my mind all the time now....

Dave and I also talked a bit about life alterning experiences... And I think I raised a few very good points.... - If a person has a life altering experience It will always make them stronger!. No matter what happens, good or bad, the person will only become stronger in time from it... I compared this statement to my life and specifially some of my life/death experiences.... Since im sure anyone whose reading this has read blogs from last year knowing about my "suicidal attempts" if you will... Back to my point here.... From myself going through that experience of "all time lowest point" has only made me such a stronger person. I told Dave about it, but I honestly DO NOT Regret 1 time that I tried to kill myself... not 1. If I could go back in time and stop myself from it, I would NOT. I can recall every memory of each even as clear as crystal, and im glad that I experienced every second of it. Going back and looking at it now, experiencing these life altrering things makes you appreciate the fact that you got through it.

When I look back on my life and try to find my all time Lowest point, I can find it easoly.... Like my all time most down, depressed, just downright shitty mood. My Rock Bottom as you might call it.... It was just after the best summer of my life... When I moved to Adams place on the Trans Canada..... Now Adam if your reading this, please dont take affence to that, it was in no way your fault,or in anyway really ralated to you. But yeah..... When I look back I can find 2 times of extreme depression... 1 was in high school, the first time I really tried to kill myself, I was pretty down at that time, but nothign really compared to those 2 months at the Trans Canada.... The only real reason I was so down was because I lost everything... Literally EVERYTHING.... When I lost Emily in high school, I still had my friends to see everyday, I still had my family to go home and see.... But when I lost Laura last year after summer, I lost it all... I was already depending on her and her alone... By that time, I had already lost my friends, I was moved out of my house to wich my brother had already left and was living in Edmonton. So who did I have to turn to? No one.... and that was Matts All Time Lowest point.... Rock Bottom... When you reach the point in your life where you have to find reasons to go living day by day.... I littereally had to wake up every day and ask myself "Why not die today?". And most days I coudlnt come up with an answer... And when you cant find a reason to live... You get very down for a very long time.... I saw the negative in everything, I saw no positive, No good, No happyness... Just darkness.Then you start looking for things to look forward to, to keep you motivated to go on..... But I had nothing. Nothing I wanted, nothing to look forward to, nothing to strive for.... Im just soo glad and happy that my brother managed to get me out of that hole... to get out of that life. If I hadnt of moved to Edmonton I might not be here 2day. I most likely would have just got more and more down to the point where I couldnt get out of it.

Anyway, just some freestyle writting going on here, I dont even know why I start going into things soo deeply then just snap out of it, but sometimes my train of thought carries me soo far before it tottally just freezes up and stops... But yeah, nothign else is really coming to me so, I think im just gonna head to bed. 4:04AM... L8a days