Al-Ber-Ta

Well, I just got off the phone with Dave from a 35 mins, and 58 seconds call. And from that, I do believe that I will be going out to Alberta. He assured me that I will be able to get a job no problem with him, and he pretty much has a place now, soo.... Why the fuck not? whats keeping me here? a once a week visit from Laura is the only thing I look forward to all week. And now im even wondering if its worth it. As much as I love her, she can do way better, and will soon enough. For when I leave, im gone. Maybe to never return, I think Daves plan is to come back for next summer, and depending on how his time up there goes till then, he might stay back here, but as for me, I dont know... I'd really like to escape this regular simple life(LOL SIMPLE LIFE, like its simple here, but you know what I mean. The same bullshit day after day, I really want to get away from it all and start a new life) So... Depending on how much money I save, (which should be a fair amount by that time) Im thinking its a 95% chance of me going. I havent told anyone yet, and I dont think I will, except Laura of corse, and my rents cuz they're the only ones can hold onto my stuff till we get an adress and I can pay for them to send my stuff over. So yeah, I do honestly believe that thats the plan. I'll bring my cloths and my cloths alone. Everythign else I'll ahve to pick up there. which Im really looking forward to. So yeah thats that.
Earlyer 2day I mentioned in my other blog about the funky ass dreams I've been having lately. I dunno exactly why i've been having them, well the one last night was prolly cuz I was drunk as fuck, and I woke up in the middle of the nigth and had 2 "Pain-Aid"'s, those things ar fucking strong, and I love them for it. but yeah, the dream I had last night was fucking fucked !!! It started off with me at the house, but the house was different, it wasnt finished. For some reason the upstairs was all fine, but the downstairs had no walls at all, like it was just being built. Anyway, there was a huge "brawl" if you will.... And for some reason, the only person who was on the "bad side" was Kenny, everyone else who goes to the house(Jeff, Barett, Chris, Tommy, Neale, everyone) was fighting to keep the house, but there was just soo many ppl fighting everywere, but for some reason no one was trying to hurt me, and for some reason I wasnt doing anythign either, it was wierd... Everyone could see me, and I could see them, but for some reason I coudlnt touch them, and they couldnt touch me. ANyway, after this huge brawl was finished and the "bad guys" won, Baretts family came and jsut started fixing up the house. it was wierd as fuck, like they knew it was coming and they just started fixeing everyting, and rebuilt the house. Like what the fuck!? Anyway taht one was fucked, but the dream before that... Wow.... the night before I had this wierd ass dream taht I was tied to a bed in a room i've never seen before and Laura walked in.... NOw this is where it gets good.... She was wearing some kind of school girls uniform or something, and she said she had a surprise for me.... Then thigns got really interesting as she started taking everything off... God damnit she looked soo damn sexy, anyway, eventuelly all she was wearing was 2 pony tails, glasses and high black socks(I dont know where that came from, but tahst all she was wearing....) then she said its time... then Morgan wlaked in wearing the same thing(socks and glasses:P)... then when they both got on the bed I woke up... Like what a mood killer, fuck!!!! what a dream that woulda been, lol, anyway, I was meaning to write that down the second I woke up so I wount forget, cuz damn I really didnt want to forget that metal image, cuz thats for sure never going to happen, Although Laura does have those same glasses.... hmmmmm..... anyway, thats pretty much it. And no Laura, I wasnt thinking about Morgan that way, I dont even know why she was in my dream, but you did look better, no affence to morgan, but I do like Laura more then anyone else in this world... Anyway, thats it, so till 2morrow, or maybe later 2night, im getting kinda drunk so... L8a days...,

rough nights.....

Well.... I dont think I can ever show my face at the house anymore. Man did I ever fuck up last night. All I wanted to do was drink last night, and pass out at the house, but things didnt really go as planned. Of corse I kinda got a little too drunk and for some reason topics came up, and I said way too much, I dont even know how we got on the subjects but I ended up getting kinda really emitional wiht Chris, and had to leave, so I talked to Adam online and got him to drive me home, and thats when things really got worse. I dont even know how it all started, or really what was even said, im going to check the convo right after I write this, but lets just say I really said way too much to Evan, and I know as far as hes concerned he just wants to help, but for me, it was just stupid shit that shouldnt of been said... Uhh, I dont even know what im really trying to say here so im just going to stop.
All I want to do right now is smoke and pass out and never wake up, but fuck.... I cant fucking do it. I have some weed still in my drawer, and my bong is in the closet, I have a lighter in my kitbag, it would take 2 seconds to put everyting together, and not even 2 minuts to smoke. FUCK. im gonna go have a shower, hopefully cool off a bit, then go take a nap. I'll most likely write in this later. I still have to write about the fucked up dreams i've been having lately....

Being bored is never a good thing.....

So here I am, sitting in my room at 3:45 PM, bored out of my mind, so I figure why not look through my stuff, so I pull out my drawer where my keyboard is and look under it, and see all these papers. So I look through them and most of them are Tatto and piercing papers, and of corse my report cards from grade 12, lol they're pretty sad/funny but thats not what caught my eye. Thers 3 papers that I found that I thought I through out long long ago, im going to write them on here, I dont really know why, they just kinda hit me, and made me think of the past. I know thats a horrible thought, cuz its stupid to look back, but they really hit me hard. so heres the first piece of paper. It was something I wrote when I was kinda extremely depressed(infact im pretty sure I wrote this just before I.... tired). They're just random quotes I wrote on a piece of paper...

-I'd rather die today then live to see tomorrow.
-No words can say what someone who is about to kill themselves feels like.
-DO NOT REGRET!
-Death is the only way to escape the pain, the suffering....
-Comparing people proves only that you prefer one over the other!
-Life's not worth living
-Living is a waste of time!
-The point to life is to die
-Thinking is pointless, doing has a perpose.
-No one understands suicide
-Dieing is everyones purpose
-No one will miss you when your gone!
-They wont leave you alone.
-No one understands you
-No one likes you
-Death is the only way to be free
-Why is it soo hard to live, but so easy to die?
-Actions DO speak louder then words.
-Life is a shadow, Death is the light.
-Yelling solves NOTHING!
-No one feels the way you feel
-Getting put down by your own father is worse then death itself.
-Knowing your father doesnt love you is the worst feeling in the world.
-What keeps people going?
-Suicide ISNT SAD!!! LIFE IS!
-No one cares for you
-I'd rather suffer a horrible death, then suffer a long life.

Anyway, oviously I wasnt feeling too happy then, but that just goes to show how shitty times can be.


These next 2 pieces of paper are kinda "songs" if you will, I wrote them just after Emily and I broke up. Weirdly enough, my parents found them, and thought that I was crazy, although I cant really blame them for thinking so, they had no right to sneek through my room. But it ended up working out to my advantage because they thought I was insane and ended up not punnishing me for disappearing for 4 days. Anyway, it goes like this.....

She is Gone From Me.

Since you left me, I think only of what we could of had,

All this time spent on thinking of what could have been instead of whats real, Why do I dewll on the past? She left me flat on my ass. Dead and all alone in my corner, I watch everyone else go by, why does everything end up so perfect for everyone else but me? Why am I always the one left all alone? Why can no one comfort me? Am I meant to be alone forever?

She left me.

Not for someone new, but just to get away from me, why am I such a disease? I'd offer anything to you, I'd give up everything to spend only an other day by your side, why cant we still be friends? Do these things always need to end? It was soo perfect in the begginning, why do things get soo complicated as time goes on? If we really love each other, then why does our little indiffernces get in the way? The answers to these questions she cannot say. Why? Because seh thinks I'm high? Words speek louder then any amount of drugs can try to hide, I will always listen to you, hear you, for on one will ever love you like I do, Like I will forever...

Time will pass, people will move on, but I will lie stuck on the same place where you left me, because no one can fill the hole you left in my life when you left, I've tried to fill it, but faces of you will haunt my dreams forever!!!

Your face is everywere, if only I could getit ouf of my head, no wonder I try to stay in bed, waiting for the call that never comes, if only that phone would ring, if only I could hear your voice again, You dont know how much I miss you, if you did would it even matter? If I dropped the drugs, if I sleaned up my life, to please you, would you love me as I love you? No care for any others' opinions. Would you be with me forever?

Questions with no answers because we dont even talk anymore, will you ever come save me?

Love. They say no one can tellyou what it feels like, you just know it. We both know I dont know much, but one thing I'm positive is is that I know I'm in love wiht you. Please love me too, I'm lost without you, I am just an empty shell wihtout you. Oh please come and fill me again, come to complete me, make me whole, ohh wont you please come and save me?

Anyway, I know its just a longer more poetic version of my rambling shit, but it meant something to me then, I used to read it often, but now its going somewere else. I hope it haunts her dreams as it haunted mine for the longest time.

This one is called Let go....

Let Go

Run Away!!!! Run from all your fears

All your Hate

All your Love!

Run Away!!! Run to everything that makes you free.

Run from all those who don't believe, run from those who hate, who fear, who critisize, who don't understand, run from those who arent like you!

Why can't they understand and let you go? Just let me be free and let go. I'm all on my own and thats the way it stays... People just get in the way. So here I go, running away from all taht made me stay, I'm letting go so I can be away, away from this place I have to call my "home". Why am I stuck in this prison all alone? Why can't I be free and on my own?

Yeah, so its short, but to the point. Anyway, im out on my own now, and I ran away from as much as I can for now. I just hope when I got to Alberta that I never come back. As much as I want to come back, there's only one thing(well... person) that I dont want to leave behind, and I will come back for her. I just hope she'll be here waiting for me. But if not, I will have to move on, and start a new life, with nothing. If I can do that, Nothing will ever stop me.

Anyway, I just wanted to add as a final note " Thank you Dave!!!" When my parents found the 2 pieces of paper wiht those "songs" on them, Dave took the papers from my parents and tried his best to make sure they didnt read them again. He said they were my personal things, and if I wanted to share them that I would. I never understood why he did that for me, But if he only knew how much that meant to me... Thanks again Dave, you've always been there for me.

Damn bike....

So I woke up 2day at 4:30.... 4:30PM!!!! Well Iwas sstill kinda tired from not much sleep and shit, plus Adam and I were up till around 5:30 this morning, so I guess I did kinda need some more sleep, but still. Anyway, I started to bike in and wouldnt ya know, the only time that I was running late, my bike chain broke.... right when I was starting to go up the Cozway hill. so I got off and looked at it for a couple mins and miraculously enough my dad was driving by and stopped. so he gave me a lift to work and said he'd take my bike home and try to fix it. So after work he picked me up and said that my bike was really messed up and he did the best he could do, but I really shouldnt drive it cuz the breaks are shot to shit. which I already knew but what ever, so he gave me one of the other bikes, so for now im gonna drive that. Anyway, when we got back to the house(my rents place) mom was in bed, and dad went to bed, so I talked to Sara for about 10 mins till she went to bed, so I wrote them a little note about how I wanted to talk to them sometime, and told them that I had 2morrow and thursday off, so hopefully they'll call me sometime and i'll finally be able to get my shit off my chest and tell them the stuff i've always wanted to. Anyway we'll see how that goes... SO yeah, I guess thats pretty much all I need to say right now, ohh yeah, Cry_Wolf, CRAZY MOVIE!!!, I saw it last night with Laura, and it was fucking amazing!!! she didnt really like it that much, but I thought it was crazy, The plot was cool and everything, but who ever wrote that movie was a fucking genious!!! ANyway, im gonna look to download it soon, but im most likely gonna see it again before it leaves theatres. ANyway, thats it, so till 2morrow, im still drug free... L8a days.

day 4/5...

Seein how its now 2:36AM its technically day 5, although ... ahh fuck it, you konw what I mean. So yeah, I dont think this will be too hard, as long as I stay focused and keep my mind off of it. Although I do get "cravings" sometimes, I just stop and think,,, OK, if you do this, not only will you be giving up on a promis, but you will go back to the old ways, and right now, not only do I need to save as much money as possible, but I dont want to go back to being stoned all the time, as fun as it was, its not who I want to be. I realise now that play time is over, its time to work, and start doing what I want to do for the rest of my time in life... No more fucking around, its time to dig down and start something, Its time to show everyone your not useless, that your not just some punk kid with nothing to prove. Its time... ... .... .....

Its 4AM and I have to work at 9AM....

Well, its now 4AM, im in my room, alone, and james and Adam are in Adams room trippin out on acid,lol, Fuck I wish I hadnt of givvin everything up. This could have been a wicked night, but anyway, theres nothign I can do about it now. Anyway, I got off work 2night and Laura drove me home which was wicked, but now I have to cab in to work 2morrow morning at 8:30, but its all good, I dont really mind, I got to spend just that much more time with her, so its worth what ever I have to spend. So yeah, I hope I get off work 2morrow early enough to go see that movie with her, we're supposed to go see Cry_wolf, looks reallly creepy, so I think she'll like it.. Anyway, I was on Morgans blog like 10 mins ago and she had this little quiz thing, and for some reason I took it, and it was just soo much fun that I had to make my own(ok, I was just bored and I had nothing else to do, so I made my own, just try it, It should only take a few mins of your time) So yeah, click here http://www02.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050926025114-234833 . I think you may be surprised at some of my answers, but if your not, well fuck it,its only a little quiz thing. Anyway, im going to try to sleep a bit, so I guess till 2morrow. L8a Days...

day 3....

Well I can honestly say that I havent really craved weed or drugs in general, but man I could sure go for a boul right now. I swear, every day that I stay here, the more I want to leave. Well I shouldnt say that, every day that I go to work I want to get off this stupid island. If it wasnt for work i'd prolly stay here, but for me to find a new job, and then find a place to stay, then find a way to work every day in the winter, its just not worth it. Uhh, anyway, on to last night... Last night was... interesting.... We started off by drinking a bit, we started on our Frozen White Russians. They're prety sweet but you can only handle soo much icecream, lol, anyway, Lauras stomac started to hurt from drinking, so we both stopped drinking(which I really dindt mind cuz I dotn really think I wanted to drink anyway...) Then we just went to my room and did our thing for a while till around 3 when she went home, then the wierdest thing happened... I couldnt sleep... I dont know if its the fact that I dont have any drugs fresh in my system or what, but since i've quit, I havent had one good ngiht of sleep, and I doubt 2night will be any differnt, I know I have to wake up at 8 so I can bike in for 9, and its now quarter to 1, but my plan is to start drinking and hopefully that'll put me to sleep right quick. Ohh yeah, I almost forgot,, on my bike ride home 2day I almost whipped out twice, once really badly, infact I fucked up my bike a bit, but it still drives(sorta). I kinda smoked into a devider kinda thing, anyway, long story short, I got lots of air I wasnt expecting and landed hard and broke my seat, aswell as bent both tires and my chain fell off, but I wasnt in a really good mood so I just put the chain back on and went on my way, and now im here so its all good, I just hope to fuck it doesnt break on my way into work 2morrow. Knowing my luck , thats exactly whats going to happen. So yeah, anyway, im gonna get to my push ups and sit ups, hopefully that'll keep my mind off of that beautiful stuff I call weed. L8a days...

First day of soberness....

Well I cant say 2day was a good day, but it was deffinetly a shitty one!!! Fuck my boss is a fucking dick, it doesnt matter how good of a day we have, or how smooth things go in the kitchen, he always bitches at us for the stupidest things!!! I swear he cant go a day with out complaining about something even when its no big deal. So he put me in a shitty mood in around the first 15 mins I was at work, so oviously I wasnt happy for the rest of the night. But I didnt let it get me down to the point of crashing on my soberness, Normally I would have just came home and smoked a boul and tried to forget about it. But no, I cant do that shit anymore, so, when I got home I put all my work cloths in the Laundry, and now im on this. Im going to work out a bit before I go have a shower, then im heading to bed. Anyway, I guess I should get to those push ups and sit ups. Anyway, till 2morrow, this straight edge is out.lol. L8a Days...

drugs....

Well, I think I've come to a conclusion 2day... IM going to quit drugs. I know i've said it a million times before, and I've tried a couple of times, but now im dead serious. I just realised 2day that prolly more then half of my yearly income goes to drugs. I dont make that much in a year, but stil, half not not much, is halfnotmuch. And I dont really have that to spare. So starting 2morrow(I thought I started today but I rememberd taht I took a hit of acid 2day at around 6.) im done of drugs, im going to have to sell 14 hits of acid, 1 hit of E, and like 3 grams of weed, but Im done, No more fucking drugs!!! Its too damn expencive and way too bad for my health. I know I never gave a rats ass about my health before, but going to a state of mind where I cant even think clearly isnt really helpign me. I thought it was but really it isnt, I gotta start facing my problems instead of hiding behind drugs. So, 2morrow is going to be my first sober day in.... Oh god, I dont even know how long, if I had one in the summer that would be the closest, but I dont think I had any. Anyway, I just had to write this down so I cant go back on it. Well I guess I should say all of my reasons why I should quit drugs.... here goes....
1)As much as I love to be fucked up, I used to love thinking crystal clear, and now im soo fucking stupid I cant even finish most of my sentences. Believe it or not, I used to be smart, I guess you can really tell when I started to do drugs, my math mark for grade 9 was a 95%, for my grade 10 math class I had a 65%. Coincidence?! FUCK NO!
2)Health.... Like I said I was never concerned about my health, but the way im going to quit drugs is to work out every time I think of drugs. So, every day when I come home from work, instead of smoking a boul, im going to do push ups and sit ups till I cant do any more!!!!
3)Laura.... I know she hates them, as much as she tells me shes cool with it, I know she fucking hates it, and I do too, and im finaly going to stop!!!
4)Its too god damn expencive!!! I gotta start saving some money.
5)I guess drugs are dangerouse? Yeah, I always knew that but I figured why not, and now look at me, fuck, I cant rmemeber half of the stuff I do.
6)Tolerance... Im damn sure I've built up a HUGE HUGE HUGE tollerance for weed, I can smoke, and smoke, and smoke, and bearly get high. Its not worth the money I spend... Oh god, and dont get me started on Acid or E. Well, anytime I take 1 pill of E, I get pretty hyper, but its nothign what it used to be, and as far as the acid goes... Well, lets see, I had 5 total yesturday, and I didnt feel the last 2, and I took 1 2day, and I didnt feel one little bit different.
So yeah, I guess those are my main reasons. I have others but those are the most important. So yeah, anyway, I guess thats all I really have to say. so, yeah... I quit! L8a days...

Ok, lets try a sober recap....

OK, its Wednesday at 1:57PM. I woke up at around 1:00PM 2day. Ok. soo... Monday.... Monday was my day off so of corse I slept in all day, and eventeully I went to my rents place for Supper, that was kinda cool, and very sweet to have a home cooked meal for once. Then before I even left there, Emily called me... Oh god, I really did not see that comin, So she picked me up from my rents place and we went back to my house. We ended up talking for like a couple of hours, just about random shit and stuff, it was kinda hard to do again, but I thought things were all good. Then like halfway though her visit she says she forgot something in the car that she had to give to me, so I waited for her to come back and she walks in with one of those huge yellow envolopes. So I asked her what was in it and shti and she told me that I wasnt allowed to open it till she left and stuff. So I told her I wasnt even going to open it and just through it in the garbage cuz I didnt want anything back that I gave her. Anyway, for some reason I kinda did want to know what was inside, so I went to the bathroom and "sneakely" took it with me and opened it up. And what was inside!? Every single note I gave her, along with stuff that she wrote in school, for schoool, about ME!!!, and the like only 1 picture we had of us 2gether. Ha, it was either a photocopy, or she printed it out on her comp cuz it was all red and stuff. Its sad cuz I have that same god damn picture on my computor in full color. I know she ripped up her real copy after we broke up, cuz she told me, but I know that mine is still at my rents place in my old room. I just cant wait to go back there and rip it up. Anyway, so yeah,,,, then she starts going on about little shit everywere, just stupid little shit that I really didnt want to hear/talk about. Then after all that shit, when she leaves she asks me for a hug, cuz she "prolly wont ever see me again". Fuck off, your god damn right I'll never see you again. Fuck. what a fucking bitch, why the fuck did I need all that shit? Come on, I was really happy just not thinking about it. Now its right in my face. Well you know what Emily? good for you, im glad you moved on and all that shit, just dont rub it in my face, Im having a rough enough time as it is right now. Anyway, for some stupid fuckign reason I red through the shit she wrote once, and only once before I though everything out. I didnt bother reading the notes I gave her, fuck that, whats the point. But hey, I guess I did get something out of the whole thing... Thats one loose end that I dont have to fix before I leave, fuck that, everythings done to me when it comes to her, as far as im concerned I never have to see or speek to her again. So I guess I should say thanks, thanks Emily for ripping my heart out.
Anyway, enough on that subject. So yeah, yesturday was interesting, I know I tried to explain it in the last blog I wrote last night, lol, but I red it this morning and it really doestn make any sence at all. So here goes.... Yeah I woke up at 8, worked at 9, that was alright just doing prep at shit, then James came in and I tempted him with some acid, but he refused, so I figured why not take one, so I took one at around 11:30 or so, had a good little blast with that for a while, lots of crazy shti happened, like all of us in the kitchen to goof off and shit, it was awsome, then around 2ish James and I clocked out and we all went outside to hack. Then I took an other hit and we all hacked for a while, then James and I went to the bar to chill till 5 when we had to clock back in. So we were bored as fuck just sitting there doing nothign, so I tried to freak him out by stapleing my arm, lol, they thought it was the acid, but it really doesnt hurt that much, so after I freaked James out for a bit, and showed Rob, we went back on clock for 5, and worked the rest of the day. Durign that time we lost the keys to the basement so I climbed over one of the walls to the storage room( really cool shit on top of ceiling tiles, kinda tight quarters but still..). Then I guess the only other cool thign that happened was taking an other hit at around 6, had a good rest of the day, then when we closed at like 10:10, Rob, Dawn and I enjoyed a beer and a bowl before I raced home in a fucking rainstorm!! Fuck it poured last night!!! like I mean rained hardcore!!!! anyway, I was dripping dripping wet when I got home, then took 2 more hits. So that was 5 all day, but I dont think I shoulda took the last 2 cuz I dont think I really even felt them. Anyway, so yeah, thats prety much a good recap of the last 2 days. Oh yeah, well I guess I forgot to mention Adam and I smoked a boul too when I got back and played Halo 2 till around 3, and we ordered pizza. But yeah, thats all thats it. Now I gotta bike into work somewhat early so I can buy some fucking shoes!! god damnit I need some new shoes. So yeah, thats the plan for 2day, so there goes... Anyway, Im gonna go get play some Xbox with Adam, L8a days...

What an interesting day....

Well, its now 3:11AM, I woke up on tuesday at 8AM and started to bike into work for 9, it was Joeys day off and Adam got me to cover his shift so all together there was Susan(till around 12)James, Rob and I. James Rob and I were on all day and we made it a fucking sweet day!!! fuck it was wicked day, took a hit around 10 or so, then 2, then 6, then after work I biked home in the rain , that was fucking fun as fuck. THen I got here and took 2 more hits, so now im doing to 17. So after I took those 2 Adam and I played Halo 2 for a while till now, and I guess tahts all taht happened. Wowl, this seems like soo little cuz I have nothing to talk about and I really have no idea what is going on right now. Im soo braindead.lol. Anyway I did have lots of shit I wanted to say on thsi 2night, but really I cant remember much. Anyway, im going to go to Ebams world and get taht acid trip thing so I can trip out a bit before I go to bed, so l8a days....

The Used - All that I've got, decyphered Matt style...

OK, I know this is gonna sound wierd, but I was sitting at Stephs place 2night with Laura just listening to the music while she played wiht my puzzle thing. And this song came on, and I listened to the lyrics, and I could tottally relate every line with Suicide. I know thats prolly the point, but still, I kinda related it to myself... lets try to explain...

THE USED LYRICS

"All That I've Got"

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me - When you cut soo deep into your flesh, for the first couple of seconds it doesnt bleed.

Off guard, red handed - Red handed, your hand bleeds, and if your smart and want to do it, you'll have your hand dangling somewere so the blood rushes to it and thus, turning your hand red with blood.

Now I'm far from lonely - Once you actuelly cut, and it starts to bleed, you know theres no turning back so you get happy at the fact that you finally did it and its done, you just have to wait it out.

Asleep I still see you lying next to me - In my case one of the reasons happened to be sort of because of an other, Asleep as you "pass out" or "faint" you see your "desire" of what your going to miss the most, I saw her.

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me- ...

I..I need something else - Starting to have second thoughts about doing it.

Would someone please just give me ( thinking bout callin someone, or telling someone to maybe help)

Hit me, knock me out - Ok, If I dont call someone now, its all over.....

And let me go back to sleep -, What, what am I thinking, Im fucked now, I did it, and Im happy its done.. yeah thats right....

I can laugh - I actuelly did laugh at myself for doubting doing it after seeing a bucket fill up with blood.

All I want inside I still am empty - Anything you've ever wanted to do, is now impossible, all you've done yoru life, is it, its the end of the line, kinda makes you sick to your stomac, some ppl vomit, but I didnt get that bad.

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me-...

I...I'll be just fine - This is what I wanted to do and if only I was around to see ppls reactions I'd love to see how thye'd take it, I see a certain way that everyone will take it, I dunno Im fucked up, just dont ask...

Pretending I'm not - Trying to get ppl to ask me about it, so I can get ppl to tlak me out of it cuz...

I'm far from lonely - whats done is done, theres no turnign back(this is back to after you do it)

And it's all that I've got - Theres no one there to comfort you as you slowly just die.. your all alone, all you have is your thoughts... that can be good or bad, for me it was pretty harsh...

I'll be just fine ... explaind...

Pretending I'm not... explaind...

I'm far from lonely... explaind...

And it's all that I've got... explaind...

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me - Everyone remembers certain things. No way am I sayin what i liked on here.

Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat - Some ppl get really sick before they do it, or if they survive, really sick after...

I squoze so hard - This could mean either one or 2 things, A)That you squoze your cut to try to make it stop, or B) you squze your veins to build up a huge blood flow then let it go so more blood spilled at a time.... I'd rather not say what I did

I stopped your heart from beating - I thought I meant more to you...

So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..... explaind...

I'll be just fine... explaind...

Pretending I'm not... explaind...

I'm far from lonely... explaind...

And it's all that I've got... explaind...

I'll be just fine... explaind...

Pretending I'm not... explaind...

I'm far from lonely... explaind...

And it's all that I've got... explaind...

And it's all that I've got... explaind...

Yeah, it's all that I've got... explaind...

It's all that I've got... explaind...

It's all that I've got... explaind...

It's all that I've got!... explaind...

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me... explaind...

So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me - You know when you get a really nasty cut or something and its just so crazy that your, Holy shit, thats fucking huge, im fucked. this is more like, wow, soo beautifull. its just soo gracefull....

I'll be just fine... explaind...

Pretending I'm not... explaind...

I'm far from lonely... explaind...

And it's all that I've got... explaind...

I'll be just fine... explaind...

Pretending I'm not... explaind...

I'm far from lonely... explaind...

And it's all that I've got... explaind...

And it's all that I've got... explaind...

Yeah, it's all that I've got... explaind...

Phew, so yeah, everythin in this color is what I wrote, and everything in black is the song. Yeah, I dunno, I'll prolly write a blog later bout my night and shit, but really I had to do that , that song rocks. well im gonan go listne to it, l8a days...

Just random happy shit for once...sorta....

SO wow, I woke up this morning on Neales couch at the place in town. I stayed there last night cuz I didnt want to bike home. So Chris, Neale, his girlfriend, Evan, and Tommy were there. they were all drinkign and going to the bar. So we watched Evans video on his skydive(bastard for not inviting me!) then they all left for the bars, so I a shower and shit and eventuelly they came back and said they couldnt get in cuz Chris didnt have his ID. so they all chilled with me for a while till Evan went home, then we all jsut went to sleep. So yeah, that was my night last night, but wow, this morning....I went to work pretty straight, considering I only smoked like half a joint at like 12 the night before(I forgot to mention Chris,Tommy and I smoked a joint). SO yeah I went to work and for some reason all these old memorries of shit came to me. Well I think it kinda started last night, it was wierd but for some reason Emily came to see me at work. We only talked for like 2 mins cuz I had fucking orders. But yeah she got me thinking bout the time where I went out with her, and now that I think about it, that time frame was the best year of my life. Like grade 11 was prolly one of the best years, (besides grade 8, nothing beats grade 8). LIke grade 11 man, I had Jarod as my bestest friend( we were the closest 2 friends ever, hes been the best of my best friends) , And Jamison, Pat, and Ryan were all with us, we had a sweet little group, fuck what good days..... Yeah, so I dunno, I just had a lot of little memories with each of my friends, then I thought of the best times we all had 2gether and stuff. I guess if I relaly wanted to I'd write them all down, just as they come to me, like the time Jamison and I smoked a boul then walked back to school to find Mr. MacIsacc(the Principal) waiting for us and brought us to his office. Fuck, I still dont know how Jamison his 3 grams in his pocket. ANyway, thats prolly Jamisons Finest moment by far. fuck man, Then the million times Jarod and I have had! Fuck, I cant even count the amount of times that him and I smoked weed 2gether. we'd go anywere, and smoke. then... walked somewere else, met ppl, or did something, skateboarded, Hacked, what ever, and smoked. thats all we did all year grade 11, and the summer of. Fuck, Every day with jarod was his finest moment. Im glad we had that time, and as much as I say if I could go back and decide to not smoking pot, I dont hitnk I would just because of the times Jarod and I had, I dotn think i'd be the same person I am 2day if jarod and I never started to smoke weed. Uhh, I cant go on about this, i'll just want to go smoke with Jarod again, and he doesnt smoke anymore,, so what would I do then?Fuck I wish times didnt change and ppl change, I liked everything the way it was. Uhh, fuck it, theres not a god damn thing I can do about time.... Lets see, Pats finest moment..... Well, we've had many good talks just him and I when we smoked. Fuck, I guess Pat and I have smoked a lot just the 2 of us to, not half as much as jarod and I, but still. me and Pat smoked a lot. and we always ended up talking about girls, just cuz we were the only one swho kinda dated girls in our group, Jarod dindt really do the girl thing till around grade 12, and Jamison, I dunno really, has he started yet,lol. But yeah, Pat and I were kinda more serious about things , thats what I liked about Pat, he was kinda more "mature" I guess youd say, still the coolest guy I know, and the prolly the most loyal still, to this day. Hmmm, Ryan and I had more good tiems 2gether in grade 10, sadly I know the reason why we kinda slowed down in hanging out 2gether, it was because of me smoking weed, man, I know that guy woudl be soo much fun if he ever decided to smoke weed, fuck hes the smartest mofo I know, and its prolly cuz he doesnt touch the drugs or alcohol, hes too smart for that shit. But yeah, I dunno, Ryans just a really cool guy, we just need to hang out with him more often and get him out of his house, , Someday he'll be set loose on the world, it will be a glorious day, lol, now I just sound dumb, anyway.... Yeah, I dunno what really else to talk about, I know this is prolly a wierd blog compared to the last couple, but for some reason right now im kinda happy, its wierd bu kinda cool, I feel like not smoking weed anymore just for the health reasons and shit, and how much i'd like to quit drugs, and start working out, i'd love to get really in shape, and It really wouldnt be hard, im just too fucking lazy, and thats cuz of the drugs, so fuck, its hard to try to stop, but I know i'll do it sometime soon, hopefully really soon actuelly, but yeah,. I think thats pretty much it, im gonna go check on my laundry, then see if Adams ready to leave yet or not, SO yeah, till later, L8a Days....

I dunno, kinda drunk, kinda stoned, kinda tired....

So yeah, its 4:03AM, on Thursday September the 15th. Adam and I played Halo2 for a while 2night, had a good fucking time with that, , Well, I got home at like what 11:15ish? then I started drinking when Adam got back. and we had 3 bouls all night, and my quart is only like half gone so.... I guess im not too fucked up, I just didnt eat anything in a while. Its all good, I only have to work in 13 hours.
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Wow, my mind is totally blank right now. Hahahahaha, this is one of the greatest moments in my life, All I can hear right now is my music, and I cant even think!!!, Its soo sweet. wow, wait, I gott listen 4:06Am....
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Yup, still listening to music, kinda still still stonedly not thinkign and loving it....
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Random thought as I am listneing to Slipknot pretty much full blast on my headphones.... Listening to this I feel like I could take out all of my anger and beat somethign to death, but instead I just listen to the music and enjoy it. My friend James Gallant once told me that Heavy Metal saved his life, and I can tottally see what hes saying, im sure i fI had of listened to this music when I was really depressed I prolly wouldnt of done some of the things I did. Really... Metal is a good way of getting rid of frustration. It sounds dumb but its really true. Anyway, I kinda think I could carry on a full story about my friend James Gallant... I mean the guy is fucking crazy!!! Hes like, fuck something like 24? something like that, maybe 25, but anyway the point is, He is a)A workaholic(and I mean WORKAHOLIC!!!, fuck man, he comes in to work somedays on his days off and works for free(as in doenst clock in for the work he does) and like helps out in every fucking way, hes just crazy, or dumb,lol, no hes just a workaholic. b) Hes an Alcoholic... What the fuck are you looking at? Everyone needs something to get their frustration out, mine is smoking weed, James's is drinking. If thats what he needs to do, thats what he needs to do, let him do his own thing, I respect him for everythign he does, hes a smart guy, and if drinking is his thing, then thats it, leave him be... c) Hes just a cool guy, he tottally understands what its like to be my age and in my situations... like im pretty sure hes thought about killing himself, if not he would most likely understand the thought of it. So I'm pretty sure he understands what im going through right now. So hes cool to me.. Anyway, yeah, James, cool guy.... On to music...
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Im going to the store... brb... 4:35AM.....
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Ok, back from store, its now only 4:46AM... sec, chip and dip....soo good right now....
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Tostitos Scoops, and the mild spicy cheezey dip, soiooooo goooodddd.....
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Now its on To Peanut Butter smarties... uhhhhh, peanut butter goes sooo well with chocolate, if
only it was Peanut Butter and White chocolate SMarties, it would be the bestest thing ever!!!!...

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., Well, its only 5:25 AM, but I think im gonna head to bed, fuck , im tired shit. Wait, I should wai to see sunrise, see if there was frost 2night, I doubt it tho, it was soo warm 2night, shit man, anyway, l8a days...

Another day, another dollar....

Well, its now 11:44PM, I got home from work maybe 15-20mins ago, wiht a quart of Rum, and no mix!! Fuck I dont know whats wrong with my bank card, but it better not act up 2morrow, it said some stupid shit when I tried to buy mix at Petro, and when I used the ATM it said some shit, I dont even remember. Anyway....
So last night I got ridiculously drunk. lol, I didnt even drink that much, 7 beers, like 3 joints and a bowl, they werent really spread out in that much time, so thats prolly why I got soo fucked up, but yeah, it was good for what I can remember. I was goign to write in this bout Tony and Dave, cuz I was thinking alot about them last night, just shit that I should have told them but havent yet. Im way too sober to get into that now, i'll try in a couple hours when im hopefully drunk and stoned. ANyway, not too much has happened in the past few days really, besides my comp is a piece of shit, fuck, it took like over an hour to start up 2day, I had to turn it on and off like 5 times just to get it working, but fuck, I dunno, I wont be using it much in a bit anyway, so if theres no blog for a couple of days, its just cuz I really have nothing to say, or my comps a piece of shit and I cant get to this site, so anyway, maybe till later.... l8a days

Supposed to be drinking...

Fuck, I dont know where Adam is, but we were supposed to drink 2night, its now 9:31PM, I just got out of the shower after I biked home from work and hes still not here, he left at like 5. Anyway, im sure if we drink i'll be on here sometime later 2night. So yeah, I dunnno, whats about it, I tried to write a blog yesturday but my fucking comp froze and it was deleted. Sad too cuz it was a nice long rant, I cant quite remember what it was about, but it was long, lol, anyway, till later 2night. l8a days.

2 steps from rock bottom,

After I lose my job(which should be shortly) and I dont have enough money to pay for my rent, I will officially hit rock bottom. After that speel bout my losing my 1)Family 2) friends 3) girlfriend 4)Job 5)Home, I will have nothing, be nothing, and have accomplished nothing, I will be Nothing. worthless. Pointless. Useless.

Feelin low...

uhh, well now. where should I start here? this is gonna prolly be a long ramble... so be prepared who ever is reading this, hang on 2 seconds, I gotta chug 4 more beers and smoke a couple grams of stems as well as the last of my hippie crack which is only 4 hoots... brb.....


Welll.... wasnt that interesting.... Fuck, I just tottally told god to fuck off and shit. like, what the fuck, theres no god damn point to life. fuck.Im sooo fucking pissed right now that I cant even express it in words, like what the fuck. . ./ Fucking Laura made me think too much tonight, Fuck, I fucking hate that, one thing gets you thinking soo hard bout something serious, then youthink about other serious things, fuck, I dont like this at all. Fuck, give me a second.....


Ok, an other Apifiny, Laura... like... ok, where do I start, well I just had this little vision, it just jumps right in so dont be surprised if your lost.... like, is she in denial? or am I tottally wacked and she just cant see it coming.. Like, fuck, I really dont want things to end, but iknow its coming. If I go to Alberta even for 6 months, theres no way a girl like Laura will stay single for 6 months, it doesnt matter how much she thinks she likes me now, its not gonna happen. She'll do good for maybe 4 months at most, but shes gotta crave something by then, anyway, the point of the matter is, im pretty sure I lost her, and theres not much I can do about it, even if I decide to stay here and not go to Alberta.... uhhh, fuck, how did I manage to fuck this up that badly?like. I tired to be carefull and just kinda cover my ass when ever and where ever I could, but, I tottally fucked this up. I shouldnt of said anything about that god damn Alberta thing. fuck, I went on a god damn huntch. like fuck, Istill dont even know if this scafold thing is for real. yet I was tottally fixed on going to Alberta. Fuck, im such an idiot!, like. if I was half smart I would have lookied into it and like got pre-aproved or something before I even mentioned it to Laura. Like, fuck, w hy the fuck did I do that? I should have thought that one through a fuckload more before... And now look where I am. I was outside thinking 2night and I just realised the fallowing things....
- My 3 best friends (Pat, Jarod, and Jamison) have tottally diched me, so I have no close friends...
- I moved out of The House in Charlottetown, so I live now in Cornwall, and never see my "new" friends that I had there(i.e Barett, Chris, Kenny, Mitch, etc...)
_And now, of all last things, Im losing Laura... Now I officially have no one....
-Daves in Alberta
-Tonys in Halifax
-No ones here for me. I'm all alone.

I have a knife.. I dont want to live anymore... But still I can't do it, I try, and try and try, but I cant. even when the blood runs, I have to stop it. I dont want to , but I cant help myslef but stop it. as much as I want it to run drun, it never happens. why cant I just leave, and never come back?

I just dont know anymore....

Uuhhhh, why does life have to be soo complicated now? Uh, where do I begin.... Well fuck, I guess I should start with this whole Alberta thing. I realy dont know what I want to do bout it, and really,.. thinking bout it, isnt helping me at all. Im fucking broke now, yeah I know, fuck, I had 1200$$ and some like 5 days ago, and now im down to 440$. I had to fucking get the electricity hooked up at our new place, fuckign cost me 150$, for fuck sakes, and I might not even stay there for next month, fuck that, those guys are fuckign retarted, I could just stay at my rents place for free, but fuck I dotn want to go back there, I know it would make the most since, seing how I could save soo much money with the whole no rent and stuff, but fuck, I hate that god damn place soo bad. I might just stik it out, or I might have to anyway, fuck I dont know. Uhh see what I mean, chioices, I didnt have these when I lived at home, being out on your own really changes things, fuck, I have no one to rely on, Except Laura, and now my time with her is going to be VERY limitted, which is gona suck soo bad!!!! holy fuck, Sometimes I wish that I could move out to Alberta 2morrow just so I could get all these little frustrations out of my head, but then I think how lonely I would be without Laura, atleast living on PEI I know I could see her atleast once a week. Even that would be amazing. But fuck, if im in Alberta, i'll never see her. and I really dont want taht. but I cant stay here, cuz shes all I have,. Ohhh, fuck off, like come on, this shoudlnt be that hard of a choice, but it is, an dI dont knwo why... anyway, fuck this subject....

So I went home day.. Like home to my old house in cornwall. And oddly enough, no one was home, for the whole hour and half I was there, not a soul was in the house. I did my laundry(cuz the fuckign electricity was otu at my house) and had a nap in my old room on my old bed. And as sad as it sounds, it felt soo good, To be back at home, in my own bed... Uhh, I cant go back there again... just cant.....

Anyway, on that note I really dont want to talk anymore, I dont know what to do anymore, im just gonna go to sleep, and wake up 2morrow and go to work like every other day... Hope I can start saving some fucking money soon, so I cna get off this rock, anyway, im sure i'll ha e somethign to report 2morrow, if I can get to a computor to tell it. Anyway, till then, L8a days...

great night.....

So last night was Lauras "last night of summer". So of corse I kinda wanted to do something special, but of corse, me being who I am, had absolutely nothing planned, and no ideas of what to do. So we did what we always do: talk for a while, then go "talk" more in bed. Things got pretty interesting... lol, nope, sorry, no details. Anyway, thats pretty much all I have to say bout that.

So Lauras back to school 2morrow!!! fuck 2day is her last work day, well, during the week that is. So I really dont know how much I'll be seing her considering the crazy amount of time shes gonna be in school, let alone the little time she'll have out of school. Uhh, I just hope that I still get to see her. Ah well, time will tell....

Anyway, im just sitting at my parents house right now... Doing laundry cuz for some reason my power is out at my place, go figure, anyway, im here but no one else is, its kinda wierd. anyway, I think im gonna go cut my hair now:P. I'll be back later. l8la days

Internet still isnt up

Fuck, I payed 80$ on this stupid wireless connection shit that doesnt even work! Fuck, it sjust my comp oviously, cuz theres 3 wireless comps running in this place, Anyway,,, on to other things....
So I still havent got taht fucking info from Rob yet... kinda pissed bout that, but kinda not, I really wanted to go, but I really want Laura, and every day I jump back and forth to which one I want more.... some days Laura and I will talk at work and then thats pretty much it, and I dont get to see her outside of work, but other days(like 2day) we got along great at work, then when she was leaving, she asked if I'd call her later, so i did, then she came ober for like almost 3 hours, it was great to talk to her again, fuck, it was soo long since we could just be 2gether, her and I, with no distractions... Anyway, all and all, it was a good night!

So yeah, these past few days have been pretty laid back, not much has really happened at all, just working and long bike rides home! fuck I hate livign in Cornwal.. soo far away.... But anyway, im kinda seeing Pat and Jamison more! thats cool, I hugn out with Pat last night, and Jamison showed up later on. And 2night they called me and asked if I wantd to do something, but Laura was over and I havent spent enough time with her lately(not realy my fault). Anyway, I just hope everythings cool with her, sometimes I get the feeling that shes just staying wtih me till I leave, thats a really shitty feeling! Its wierd, cuz I soo still wanna be here, and with her, but I really think that she thinks im gonna go for sure, and I really do not know if I will leave or not, so, if I dont leave, what will be left for me? Uh, anyway, Evans talking to me, and Im kinda bord, so im gonna go smoke some hoots, then maybe if I have energy i'll go to the store,, mmmmmmm store...... l8a days

Moving/moved into the new place....

Well, I must say, I only stayed at my new place once since i'ved moved in 3 days ago, and my room still isnt set up, buty I already miss Baretts place. It was soo convinent, Plus everyone came over randomly and chilled, it was great. Now being in Cornwall, im not gonna see half of those ppl!!!I guess it wont be too shabby, i'll be able to hang out with my good old Cornwall buddies, I just hope I'm in Cornwall enough to see them, cuz i'll be at work a shitload so...
Anyway, totally lost what ever I was trying to talk bout ther so lets try an other subject shall we?Oh god, I just had a smoke not too long ago, and it did me well. Its funny cuz Im just sitting here tryping this stoned out of my mind and Darla(Baretts mom) is cleaning everythign around me, lol, Anyway, just thought it was funny thats all.
Yeah, so I started to put up my posters last night in my new room at Adams place, it was alright for a while, but for some reason I just sucked at putting them up, too me soo long and stuff. I was up till somethign like 2:00-2:30AM, then I finally went to sleep and woke up at 7:30 to walk to my rents place to dry my work cloths(Cuz Adams Dryer sucks!) and pick up my bike so I could bike straight to town!, anyway, i was dead when I got there but I only worked for 3 hours, where after that I came here(Neale and thems new place)smoked a bowl, and then that leaves me here!!!! Well i think thats all my ketching up I need to do, I'll try to get my net hooked up in my new room 2night, if not 2morrow, then we'll see... L8a Days...

Yet again, a good night gone bad...

Well, its now 12:15PM, Chris and I are just wakign up at our old place, fuck, sadly now it belongs to Neale, Tommy, Chris and Corey. Anyway, on to last night, fuck it was some fucked! It started off really well, Laura and I went to work for a second so I could talk tosomeone, then we just went for a drive parked for a while to talk and stuff, finally got to talk alot of stuff out. Then we came back to the house and talked a lot more which went really well I think, Even tho she knew that I was kinda messed up, I meant every word of it, thats just how you get on those kidna things, very emotional, anyway,,, Im pretty sure we worked mostly everything out so were both good, I think we've come to the disicion that if I can I'll be heading out West, Im not really 100% sure I want to go yet, and I told her that, but she seems to think that she doesnt want herself to be my only reason for staying, wow, i dont think that made sence, but ya know what I mean, anyway chris is trying to sleep so i'll carry this on later. l8a days