Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Being bored is never a good thing.....

So here I am, sitting in my room at 3:45 PM, bored out of my mind, so I figure why not look through my stuff, so I pull out my drawer where my keyboard is and look under it, and see all these papers. So I look through them and most of them are Tatto and piercing papers, and of corse my report cards from grade 12, lol they're pretty sad/funny but thats not what caught my eye. Thers 3 papers that I found that I thought I through out long long ago, im going to write them on here, I dont really know why, they just kinda hit me, and made me think of the past. I know thats a horrible thought, cuz its stupid to look back, but they really hit me hard. so heres the first piece of paper. It was something I wrote when I was kinda extremely depressed(infact im pretty sure I wrote this just before I.... tired). They're just random quotes I wrote on a piece of paper...

-I'd rather die today then live to see tomorrow.
-No words can say what someone who is about to kill themselves feels like.
-Death is the only way to escape the pain, the suffering....
-Comparing people proves only that you prefer one over the other!
-Life's not worth living
-Living is a waste of time!
-The point to life is to die
-Thinking is pointless, doing has a perpose.
-No one understands suicide
-Dieing is everyones purpose
-No one will miss you when your gone!
-They wont leave you alone.
-No one understands you
-No one likes you
-Death is the only way to be free
-Why is it soo hard to live, but so easy to die?
-Actions DO speak louder then words.
-Life is a shadow, Death is the light.
-Yelling solves NOTHING!
-No one feels the way you feel
-Getting put down by your own father is worse then death itself.
-Knowing your father doesnt love you is the worst feeling in the world.
-What keeps people going?
-Suicide ISNT SAD!!! LIFE IS!
-No one cares for you
-I'd rather suffer a horrible death, then suffer a long life.

Anyway, oviously I wasnt feeling too happy then, but that just goes to show how shitty times can be.

These next 2 pieces of paper are kinda "songs" if you will, I wrote them just after Emily and I broke up. Weirdly enough, my parents found them, and thought that I was crazy, although I cant really blame them for thinking so, they had no right to sneek through my room. But it ended up working out to my advantage because they thought I was insane and ended up not punnishing me for disappearing for 4 days. Anyway, it goes like this.....

She is Gone From Me.
Since you left me, I think only of what we could of had,
All this time spent on thinking of what could have been instead of whats real, Why do I dewll on the past? She left me flat on my ass. Dead and all alone in my corner, I watch everyone else go by, why does everything end up so perfect for everyone else but me? Why am I always the one left all alone? Why can no one comfort me? Am I meant to be alone forever?
She left me.
Not for someone new, but just to get away from me, why am I such a disease? I'd offer anything to you, I'd give up everything to spend only an other day by your side, why cant we still be friends? Do these things always need to end? It was soo perfect in the begginning, why do things get soo complicated as time goes on? If we really love each other, then why does our little indiffernces get in the way? The answers to these questions she cannot say. Why? Because seh thinks I'm high? Words speek louder then any amount of drugs can try to hide, I will always listen to you, hear you, for on one will ever love you like I do, Like I will forever...
Time will pass, people will move on, but I will lie stuck on the same place where you left me, because no one can fill the hole you left in my life when you left, I've tried to fill it, but faces of you will haunt my dreams forever!!!
Your face is everywere, if only I could getit ouf of my head, no wonder I try to stay in bed, waiting for the call that never comes, if only that phone would ring, if only I could hear your voice again, You dont know how much I miss you, if you did would it even matter? If I dropped the drugs, if I sleaned up my life, to please you, would you love me as I love you? No care for any others' opinions. Would you be with me forever?
Questions with no answers because we dont even talk anymore, will you ever come save me?
Love. They say no one can tellyou what it feels like, you just know it. We both know I dont know much, but one thing I'm positive is is that I know I'm in love wiht you. Please love me too, I'm lost without you, I am just an empty shell wihtout you. Oh please come and fill me again, come to complete me, make me whole, ohh wont you please come and save me?
Anyway, I know its just a longer more poetic version of my rambling shit, but it meant something to me then, I used to read it often, but now its going somewere else. I hope it haunts her dreams as it haunted mine for the longest time.
This one is called Let go....
Let Go
Run Away!!!! Run from all your fears
All your Hate
All your Love!
Run Away!!! Run to everything that makes you free.
Run from all those who don't believe, run from those who hate, who fear, who critisize, who don't understand, run from those who arent like you!
Why can't they understand and let you go? Just let me be free and let go. I'm all on my own and thats the way it stays... People just get in the way. So here I go, running away from all taht made me stay, I'm letting go so I can be away, away from this place I have to call my "home". Why am I stuck in this prison all alone? Why can't I be free and on my own?
Yeah, so its short, but to the point. Anyway, im out on my own now, and I ran away from as much as I can for now. I just hope when I got to Alberta that I never come back. As much as I want to come back, there's only one thing(well... person) that I dont want to leave behind, and I will come back for her. I just hope she'll be here waiting for me. But if not, I will have to move on, and start a new life, with nothing. If I can do that, Nothing will ever stop me.
Anyway, I just wanted to add as a final note " Thank you Dave!!!" When my parents found the 2 pieces of paper wiht those "songs" on them, Dave took the papers from my parents and tried his best to make sure they didnt read them again. He said they were my personal things, and if I wanted to share them that I would. I never understood why he did that for me, But if he only knew how much that meant to me... Thanks again Dave, you've always been there for me.


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