Smart girls....

Well I 've just been talking to Evan, and I said to him some reallly smart stuff. like how smart it was for Emily and Laura to leave me.... Really tho, like what eh fuck. why the fuck should they stay with me? Uhh fuck, I just told him all about how I fucked up both of their lives..... and how better off they'd both be without me. Like really, I tottally fucked them up and myself.... I todl them both I loved them. which I did, but really,,,, what did that do? Fucked them both up... So I meant it at the time... look at me now.... I still love Laura... but what for? she doesnt love me anymore, or she shouldnt anyway, cuz fuck, What does love mean when theres nothing behind it!?!? So I love her.... whats the point? im moving away.... shes staying here and doing somethin with her life. And im glad for her!, she knows what she wants to do wiht her life... she wants to help people.... and me? what am I gonna do?1?!?! I have no fuccking clue... So far all I want to do is die... and that helps no one. so...... yeah... fuck it..thersno god damn point...no point to anything. why do these ppl go on? fucking idiots!, give it up, your going to die someday soon, just give it up, for fucks sakes, your fucking useless just liek the rest of us......hahahah, I just proved to Evan why I have no reason to live.... hahahaha, its true tho, thats the sad part, I have no real reason to live..... Friends:Nope lost all of them the second I moved out in the summer.... Family: Nope!!! Tonys in halifax, or where ever he is now in the military..... Friends:HAHAHA, my friensd all abandoned me the second summer start, wait I alsready said that... and whats left ... my girlfriend... LOL, I dont have a fucking girlfriend anymore... she left me because she ssmart... to smart for me. Fuck anyone who is smart would know to stay the fuck away from me!!!!. As much as girls are a headcase, im 10 fold.... honeslty if any girl wants to get involved with me, they're soo fucking stupid!!! get a grip~!!! IM A SUICIDAL FREAK!!!! stay away should be the sign on my forehead!!! uhh fuck it, fuck off... no one in their right mind shoudl get involved wiht me......
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Ohh yeah, about that... I was just talking to Evan and he was just sayin about how happy Laura and I looekd 2gether;.... HAHAHAHAH, fuck man, im sorry, but she convinced me too!! Laura can put on "shows" shes told me this before, but she can mak eyo uthink one thing tottally and convince you 100%~~~@!!!!< but they're just shows, thats something girls can do, convince you of things that arent true... Fuck off, god damnit just tell me the fuckign truth!!! Tell me you really love me and you'll want to be with me!!!! Fuck Laura, I FUCKING LOVED YOU!!!!! I FUCKING LOVED YOU!!!! YOU KNOW I HAD TO LEAVE.... IM SOOOOO SOOO SOOOO SORRY, BUT IF I STAYED YOU KNWO I'D KILLMYSELF. I LOVE YOU SO, BUT I CANT STAY HERE. IM SOO SORRY...im sooo god damn sorry.... I know I love you wayy more then Emily, and more then anything else.... but now its all over, all over.....oh god, im sooo fucking sorry. if I could takeeverythin back and go back to summer when it was just the 2 of us I would, and I would for fucking ever!!!!!! god damnit I loved you more then life itslef., but now look.... fuck, I fuckedeveryfuckign thing up. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK!!!!!!!!!!FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuck. fuck.my life is soo fucking fucked up right now... I hpe it never gets better an dI just fucikign die... not only would that solve my problems, but everyone elses too, they wouldnt have to fuckign worry about my stupid mother fucikign shit, but thier own too, they woudlnt have to fucking worry about me. FUCK I'VE TOLD EVERYONE NOT TO FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME!!! WHY THE FUCK DONT THEY LISTEN!?!?!!?!?!?! FUCK I SAID IT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE, DONT THINK ABOUT ME, DONT WORRY ABOUT ME, DONT REMEMBER ME!!! IM GONE!!! JUST DROP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!IM NOTHING!!!! IM FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!.. fuck, I work in fucking 11 hours.... Fuck it, im stil drunk enough to know that I gotta work... lol how sad is taht.... anyfucking way....fuck... fuck fucking work, my 2 weeks are in... who gives a shit...


I hope these scars show... so I am reminded of this time... Fuck every god damn time Ilook at my other scar all I fuckign think about is Emily,..... FUCK!!!! FUCK HER!!!!! As much as I know its all my god damn fault I lost her and fucekd everyfucking thing up with her,,, I still wish I was dead instead of seeing tha tgod damn scar every fucking day..... EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND SEE THA TFUCKING SCAR THATS ALL I THINK ABOUT!!! Emily Fucking Terpstra....... I fucked everything up between us, I know taht...and im sorry, im sorry I fucked you up..... I hope you learned from it and nver have stupid fucking sex with anyone until your married... thats what you wanted didnt you!? and what did I want? fucking stupid fuckign sex... what hte fuck!?!?!! Why the fuck did I presure this on you? FUCKIN IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!! Im soo fucking sorry!!!!! Fuck, its no fucking big deal!! sex is sex, or so im told, I still dont know, and I dont fucking care anymore!! I was going out with Laura for 5 months and I thought I'd know what iw as like., and no... I still dont, but who the fuck cares!!! I'd rather die and not experience that, then fucking force it on someone... fuck that stupid shit!!! FUCK IT!!! thers no fucking reason for it!! forcing one person to do something thye dont want to for an others pleasure..... Fuck off is what I would hav told myself to do!!!! LIke why the fuck did Amber,Emily, Laura... any of them put up with the shit I put them through?!!?!?!?! Im such a fucking idiot.... Uh fuch, I've tried to explain enough, it wont compesate for anything, but im sooo sorry, to you all.... I know it wont mean anything, but I AM SOO, SOO SOOOO SORRY!!!! I wish you all a good life, and dont worry, I will rot in hell for iternity for it all........ You have a good night... l8a days... maybe......