still here..... sadly....

Well, I woke up this mornign, FUCK. Well anyway.. Yeah I woke up this morning at 9:00AM by a phone call..... Guess who? Yeah well Laura called me this morning, I guess she read all my blogs this morning... Uhhh, if only I was thinking instead of just picked up on instinct. Cuz I was thinking about it all day, and I just wonder what would have happened if I didnt pick it up. What would she have done? Really, I want to know what she would have done.... Im thinking she would have drivin here... but I really think thats wishfull thinking.... But yeah, anyway, I guess I"ll never know now.... So yeah, I got a ride to work this morning, and man I felt like total shit!!!! God damnit I felt like a fucking zombie... I didnt speek for the first like 3 horus I was there, not even when Rob and James showed up... And of corse, every god damn person asked me what was rong (if anything). But fuck I fucking hate that!!! I hate when people ask me if somethigns rong.... OF CORSE SOMETHIGNS FUCKING RONG!!! But dont you think i'd talk about it if I wanted to? Uhh, please leave me alone!!!! I'll talk about it if I want to.... Uhh but yeah, so for mostly all the mornign I felt like total shit. But at around 2ish or so, I got Rob to run to the liquor store for me. so I just drank for the rest of the day as I worked. Lol no one knew any differnt cuz I put it in my special cup.... Oh god, I know im becoming an alcoholic. Fuck as much as I hate it. Without it, I'd be even more miserable then I am now... and that would lead to .... Well, more of last night without 2day... wiht no 2morrow... Anyway, im past that now... well for the time being... I kinda thought about it(well, fuck I thought about a shitload of things 2day during my 2-3-4hour silence) and really, the only like 2-3 ppl I'd feel 100% sorry for about killing myself would be Tony, Dave, and Laura.... I'd feel soo bad for Tony and Dave because I know they love me more then anyone else on this earth. Even more then my parents, but yeah, yeah.... Tony and Dave are the best ppl in the fucking world.... And well Laura.... I know if I did end up killing myself, and Laura found out.... I dont even want to think of what would happen, because I know she would think it was all her fault... But really, It isnt!! it really fucking isnt!!! When I do end up killing myself, it will be all my fault, my problem, my issue. So it looks bad that I might hav edone it right after we broke up.... why did we break up? Because im a fucking idiot!, It wasnt even the least little bit her fault.. It was all my stupid dicision to move, and really, I left her... I knwo that, and I dont blame her for anyting, I just dont know why she chose to end it this early... But hey, I guess she has her reasons, so im not going to say anything, infact.... Uhh fuck, no infact. I lost the best thing thats ever happened to me.haw, Oh my fucking god im stupid, No matter how many times I think about it, I still dont knwo why Im doing what im doing... Like why? why the fuck am I leaving her?! She is Perfect. Since last night all i've been thinking about is trying to find negative points to her so I can find reasons to be mad, and try to forget her... But I cant come up with anything... not a god damn thing... she was just soo good to me, and just soo perfect... LIke what more can anyone ask for? A beautiful, drop dead gorgeous woman who loves you, helps you in soo many ways.... drives you places.... Oh god, the fuckign list is endless.... like,,, fuck, why the fuck did I do this? And the worst, worst, WORST part of it all is I know its over.... Like, yeah im coming back for the summer, and even if I stay on PEI after I come back, I know thers no way in hell i'll ever get that chance again.... Its one of those Once In A Lifetime things.... and I blew my shot.... I had her, and I lost her... and shes gone forever.... Fuck.... I guess I hsould be trying to move on, but when I think about it its soo fucking stupid its funny. LIke im laughing out loud now just cuz I realized how stupid I am.... Fuck.its done and over with... but wow, shes just soo perfect.... in ever aspect... and I fucked it alll up... its just running down the drain.... fuck fuck fuck.. Uhh, anyway, im gonna start my drink.... Fuck, my fucking stupid bad fuckign habbits, but its all that can keep my mind off of her... Man I hope I dont think about her in Alberta.... Fuck I hope it doesnt happen.,... The only reason that i'd look back is her... Fuck, I hsould just put her back on the top like she used to be.... I should make her my goal like she was.... I cant put her behind me... its just not one of those things you can forget... We'll see what time does,, but really,... Ohh fuck, ok, im just repeating everying, but thats how bad I get caught up in the moment with her... really, I cant get her out of my head. I Just cant do it. Anyway, yeah, im gonna drink... L8a days....