Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Well now. I just got back from a little walk, and no I dont mean a nature walk. its only 3:36 AM, im not really tired, but I dont think any one of my friends are up, Lauras proly in bed right now, lol seein how she dropped me off like 20 mins ago, shes prolly long asleep. Laura, I know your going to read this prolly soon, and as much as you'll hate it, im going to reference everything that I want to talk to you about, without actuelly saying it. Not to piss you off or anything, but you'll know someday.

So yeah, Thers Lots of things I want to tell her, and I know I will, most likely soon, considering that they're ongoing events, but I really dont want to tell her, as much as I do, I really dont. Its hard to explain, but I guess the just of it is, that im.... uhh, as much as I hate to say it, scared. Im scared to tell her what im thinking, just because I honestly dont know what she'll say back, and that is what scares me. I cant fully read Laura yet, and I really dont like it. I have to know ppl, thats just my thing, if I dont know them I get frustrated and have to think that much harder to try to figure them out. I dunno, I guess im just fucked in the head, but I cant help it. But yeah, back to the whole Laura thing, dont worry, you'll find out soon enough... She asked me 2night if everything was ok, and I said yes and that she has nothing to worry about, which she really doesnt, but everythings not ok... Im not ok. Im worried, ok, Fuck, it could just turn out to be nothing, but im too caught up in it to just drop it and forget about it, uh, I guess thats why I cant sleep, but I dont want to blame my lac of sleep on it, fuck, I hate blaming my problems on things. Fuck, people do that too much, and I hate it soo much to tell myself never to do it, and here I am... doing just that. I HATE BEING HUMAN!!! As much as I try to tell myself to be what I want to be, I cant. Its soo hard to tell yourself one thing, and think the other. I want to do certain things, but I just cant fucking do it, and it pisses me off. Like why am I being such a pussy and not just talking to Laura. It could be easy, but no, I have to be a stupid fucking human, and be afraid of what she will say. Uh, I better stop now before I get too into that.

So anyway, as much of a big rant I could go into on the many subjects I just covered, I think I should try to get back on track, and get my mind out of that place. So I went to the skatepark this morning with Josh Sellar, Max, Patrick Toole, and Sebastian. KOOL GUYS! They're fucking wicked guys to hang out with, and I really do hope that we keep in touch with them not only for the summer but also through next year, they're all going to UPEI except Josh, and hes going to Hollen College anyway, so im sure we'll be meeting up with them sometime, plus I think they're movin out sometime in August, so we'll keep in touch. Speekin of moving out, shti we better get doing that fast. I gotta be out of this house by then. LOL, I was talking to my dad on the way to work this afternoon and he was going on and on about how he doesnt want me to move out, and how I should stay at this piece of shit house as long as I want to. I was holding back soo much when he asked me why I really wanted to move out. Fuck I wanted soo bad to tell him it was him, The reason why I want to move out is to get away from my mom and dad, I just cant fucking stand them anymore. I hope they realise how much I truely hate them. I know they think everythings fine and all that, but they dont fucking know who I am, they might have many years ago, but if I were to sit down with them, and fill them in on how my life is right now, they wouldnt of seen any of it coming! They would never have dreamed of the things i've done, or thought about, or anything. You'd think a parent of all ppl would pick up on theses things, stuff like all of a sudden not speeking at the house, never talking to them, only answering in yes or no's, a change in eating, the fact taht I wear the same god damn wrist band every fuckign day, the fact that I stay in my room and never associate with anyone in my family, how I stay out all night wiht my friends so I dont have to look at my rents. You'd think someone would reconize these small signs. But hey, I guess ppl just do these things for no reason, and just up and decide to move out, I guess these things just happen. But hey, I dont know, what do I know anyway? Im just a stupid kid who barely graduate(lol fingers crossed) and has nothing going for them and no plan in life, well one that anyone believes anyway. Oh god I hope it goes through. I'd love to rub it in in everyones faces, just to prove to everyone that I AM NOT A FAILURE!!! I may have nothing going for me, and I may not have any motive, reason, drive, thrust, or what ever you wanna call it, the only thing I have now, is something to prove. I know I will most likely not do it, but so help me, im going to try my hardest. If thats all I have now, then thats all I got, and I really gotta show them something.

Well there goes an other useless rant from me, Matt T Richard... Sorry for the waste of time.


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