Thursday, June 16, 2005

what a bad wednesday........

Well, how do I even start? I guess its 2:17AM on wednesday June 16/2005! Damnit I know whats going on, I just dont want it to being happening. I can fully see, hear, smell, feel, taste, what ever!, anything thats happening now I can handle. fuck, ok, lets actuelly try to see my day.... Ok, I wake up at 7:30 this morning to get up and bike to work. thats fine I bike to work it took only around 15 mins or so, not too shabby for the first bike of the summer. Work goes fine, just a rgular day I guess, drinkin lots of coffee and that kinda jazzz. Then after work at like 5ish, I come down here(Chris and Baretts) just to chill for a bit. Then Chris says hes got some acid if I wanna try it. Now i've always wanted to try acid, and the fact taht the opertunity came up is prolly one of the only reasons I picked 2night to do it. But anyway thats beside the point, so I took a hit and a half at like 5:30, then 6 rolls around and we(Chris and I) decide to finish off our acid, just to what ever... So I take the rest of mine,(like rougly 3 hits) at 6, and from 6-9sh I felt pretty good, like I was climbing the walls and all that crazy shit, gettin on the roof, just running around and shit, havign a pretty good time. Then, I dunno, The rest of the day just kinda unfolded infront of me. It's wierd cuz now Im just looking at everything a bit differntly, like I went outside for a good half an hour or so just by myself, outside on the deck thinking.... about anything really, just life and why im here, like what is the point to life? You are born, you do what ever you really want to do, but for what? why do you bother to do anything, because everythign you do will mean absolutely nothing. Honestly, what effect on this world, planet, galaxy whatever, what did you do to fuckign change anything? Nothing! theres no point, anything extraordinary or anythign you do, means nothing, once your gone, what else matters/ what else happens, you dont know... soo lost...huh, I cant wait for work in a couple of hours, I kinda wanna confront my fears and just go and talk to her, apologize again, but really gotta say some things, it could just be me, but I guess I really gotta talk to her about some things... Some things just should be known...uh, so how was my first night on Acid? huh, it wasnt what I expected at all! I thought it would be more trippin out and seeing soem crazy jazz!!!! but no, its like E except a bit different. I dunno, I cant really explain it, but lets just leave it at its not what I thought. I guess it'd be ok if you were in the right atmosphere, which I think im getting into now, im just becoming one with what ever im doing, and right now its typeing, and im doing a not too shabby job, considering I can bearly read, this isnt soo bad at all... Of corse it just random rambles... but atleast I can somewhat control it into words. Anyway.... I dont knwo really what I even started this, I guess it was something to do, its now 2:30, I know I havent been typing for that long, but its just been on random crap, and I bet by now im just repeating it all. Wow its kool, I guess I just realized that im typeing everything im thinking as fast as I can think it right now. So everything i've been thinking is now down on this "web site" that NO ONE EVEN KNOWS ABOUT!:P what the fuck am I doing, no ones even reading this/gonna read it. lol anyway.I hope no one else is coming back here, cuz If I try to go to sleep now im not gonna wanna be woken up. Im really just out of energy, im totally dead right now, usually drugs and shit dont hit me cuz I dont let them, but this is just retarted, like im just giving in I guess, bad night of just nothing going my way, and me finally realizing it. My life has been tumbleing downhill for a long time now, even since grade 8 my lifes just took a noze dive into shit. School just died... oh god dont even start on school, fuck im such an idiot. Im not going to fuckign graduate high school. thats the saddest fuckign thing ever, how fucking dumb do you need to be to fail? 3 fucking years at bluefield and I still dont have a high school education, what a fucking idiot. what the fuck are you going to do with your life? whats your purpose? why see 2morrow? whats there to look forward to?nothings worth it.fuck, I cant fucking believe that, uhh god, girls!!!!! uh, nothing but trouble, I know everyones always told me just cuz I fall for them way too fast and put too much into it. but what can I say? im sorry but I get involved. shit just happens, I cant control how I feel, and I know I shouldnt just cuz.... well fuck ovious reasons, why the fuck should anyone be wiht me either? what the fuck do I have to offer? what can I do for you? Nothing, im sorry but im a mistake in life.well, now after my bathroom brake, no one is up in this house, someone just left. chris is in bed, I think barett is too, but I think im just gonna go to bed. I know i've rambled long enough, so wiht that, I guess I must go., fuck, im gonna go somewere, I may get some subway or something. uhh, well im out, fuck....2:40


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